Friday, April 27, 2012

Living at Home

Somehow living with your parents got a bad reputation. I don’t know how, and I don’t know when exactly, but being 25 and still turning keys at your mom’s house is such a no-no. Fuck that. You know what? Fuck that two times. I remember watching Good Times as a kid and JJ was a grown man the whole damn time; then Thelma and Michael grew up and stayed under that same roof. Come to think of it the one kid that ever moved out (or got written off the show, I can’t remember for sure) was Penny. Nobody was judging JJ and crew for not moving out of Florida Evan’s apartment.   
Fuck that judgment  
People seem to always look down on people still staying with their parents after a certain age. Those people tend to be women looking down on men. If you care about any judgment that women who you aren’t fucking you have about how you’re living, you’re a fool. Women won’t date men that live at home. Bullshit. Women won’t date men with roommates. Bullshit. Women won’t date men that don’t drive. Bullshit. You could be living in a lavish spot without any roommates, driving a BMW, and if you’re a lame your pussy appeal won’t improve any. Take it from the guy that used to fuck fine women on air mattresses while living in the trap.
I didn’t move out of my mother’s house
I lived with my mother until I was about 23; she got engaged and moved the fuck out. By the time she left home I was ready for the world though; I was 2 years into the job I’m at now. I was comfortable paying bills, and I was no longer blowing my cash on stupid shit and living check to check. I had no credit cards and the only debt I had was the car note I was paying on my luxury automobile. Yeah, I was clearing 40k a year driving an Acura, and living in a 3 bedroom duplex by my motherfucking self. I was winning.

Staying with my mom set me up for financial freedom
Unlike some of my peers that graduated from high school, got a job working at Footlocker, and decided it was time to break free from the tyranny of their parents, I kept my ass home. Having your own spot at 18 or 19 made you the man even if you lived in the trap, had milk crates as living room furniture, and drove a 81 Dodge Omni. Even if you didn’t go with the sitting Indian style for the 1st year in your new place route, you probably went the Rent-A-Center/finance everything route and spent the next 5 years paying off 8000 in debt for a living room set that only cost 1300 bucks. Instead of having the burden of trying to support my own household, I paid the phone and cable bill. I got a chance to stack my cash and if I did something immature and fucked my money up, I didn’t have to worry about an eviction notice sitting on my door or sitting in the dark because Pepco ain’t playing with me.

The need to be in your own 
Unless your parents set your curfew at 7p I don’t see the need to rush out of the house. You been there 18 years so far, 2 or 3 more won’t hurt you. Mom won’t let you have company? Suck that shit up; you still won’t have company if you have to move into the heart of the ghetto with junkies smoking crack in the hallways or work 2 jobs to afford the rent in a decent neighborhood. Besides financial maturity most people aren’t mentally ready for that type of freedom. People move out on their own and become Tom Hanks from “Big”. They got every game for Xbox and PS3, a TV, a Tupac poster and a futon. Look in the linen closet… one towel, then look in the kitchen cabinets… all Dixie cups and paper plates. I know a handful of people that are 30 plus that still need a mom to clean up after them. They got three month old carry-out still sitting in the fridge and laundry piled up to the ceiling in the corner of their bedroom. Being “grown” goes far beyond having an apartment lease in your name.

Stay at home for as long as need be
Jean DeGrate says independence is overrated

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Cheating: People Do What The Fuck They Want To Do

As a championship cheater assistant, I feel like somewhat of an authority on all of the out-of-pocket deceitful shit that takes place behind people’s so-called “other half’s” backs. I’ve personally never cheated, but I’ve hit girlfriends, wives, and baby mothers on several occasions. (She was going to give the pussy to somebody; I’d rather it be me.) I’ve been the alibi for homies stepping out. I’ve been the explanation of gifts from sideline dudes: “You know Jean and I go back and forth buying each other shit.” One of my female homies has “allegedly” gotten 2 flat screen TVs, a George Foreman grill, and the first two Twilight movies on Bluray. I’m a giver, allegedly.

Getting cheated on is not your fault
All of that “something was lacking at home so they went elsewhere” shit is simply bullshit. Here’s news for you: something (no matter how small) will always be lacking at home. Part of being in a relationship is learning to deal with all the shit that is lacking. If too much is lacking at home… leave. Problem solved. It all comes down to the honor of the person you’re dating. Once that commitment is made, it’s all about them upholding their word. So letting her ex eat her out after the club that one time is all on her, and when he played wingman for his cousin and ended up fucking, that’s all on him. They gave their word, and they broke it. Don’t go beating yourself up because your “other half” stepped out. There’s no need to call every man you’ve ever dated to take a poll on how you can be better so the next guy won’t cheat. If his sideline hoe licks his toes and you’re not about that toe-licking life, #LetThatBitchLickToes, and keep it moving. It’s really not half as complicated as most people make it out to be.

People do things that their mate will frown on all the damn time
If you think the person you’re with isn’t doing something you wouldn’t approve of, you don’t really know any better. It might be something as minuscule as drinking milk out of the carton when nobody’s looking, but trust me, it’s something. The reason why they do it is because what they want to do is more important than what you ask of them. And, at the same time, you’re doing something (or a slum of behind-the-back shit) yourself. Hey, nobody’s perfect. So when he/she is laid up with somebody that’s not you, its sound logic to assume that the monogamy you want is trivial compared to those back strokes he/she wants.

Rules don’t work
People love to make rules in relationships to keep cheating at bay. It’s all bullshit. There isn’t a rule, agreement, or law imaginable that will stop someone from fucking around if that’s what they want to do. Eliminating friends of the opposite sex? Yeah, that will work if you’re around your mate 24/7. Chances are at least one of you has a job so never forget you’ll never know what’s going on during the 40 plus hours they spend at work every week. If you thought you were the only person they are emailing all day from work, the joke’s on you. Oh, you check each other phones? Cool; clear that call log and delete those texts or just use one of all these other ways to communicate that technology has given us. Staying off social networks? MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter, Skype, Instagram, or whatever site people are using to find jump-offs these days… none of them have the pussy market cornered; trust me. There’re an abundance of people who are waiting for some of that “no strings attached” sex even without having to put a “@” before their name. Shit, most of the polished cheaters I know don’t do social networks at all, but they get it in like curfew. If they are down to break your trust then you know its fuck your rules.

How to stop your mate from cheating
Outside of locking them up in a house with no outside human contact and around-the-clock video surveillance, I have nothing for you. You can hire private detectives to follow them around, but either they’ll get caught in the act or get hip to the 91 Ford Taurus that’s been following them for 3 days. No cheating will be adverted. You can hack their social sites, read their emails, and even bug their phones. Still, the most you can hope for is to catch them fucking up or drive yourself crazy waiting for shit. People do what they ultimately want to do; sometimes that means making you happy, and other times that means getting in a few outside nuts.

You can’t stop a roller from rolling
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Who Told You that You Were Wife Material?

“Bitch, what are you smoking? Your pussy ain’t no better than the rest.” – Devin the Dude
Before I even get started, let me just state that there are some very marriage-worthy women out here; there’re just not a lot of them. You can miss me with that, “there’s somebody for everybody,” bullshit because folks grow old alone then die (especially women who fake shut the pussy down because they’ve been hurt or they’re waiting for Mr. Right). They just don’t put that shit in the obituaries section: “Kimberly Johnson is survived by 2 kids and 2 baby fathers, but her dead body was found after 3 weeks in her apartment.” Yeah, those stories never make the Post.
Women get engaged everyday, B.
Engagements happen so often one would think Kay Jewelers was running a “Shut her ass up” ring special. For 1500 bucks, you can get your girl a ring that would make her the envy of all her friends, all the while making her forget all the stupid shit you did over the last few months that had her on the verge of leaving you. I’m not saying that always happens, but you better believe it happens plenty. Women just love the idea of marriage. How many women do you know who have been engaged since Obama’s inauguration, with no wedding date in sight? Getting an engagement ring is like winning an AFC Championship; it sounds good, but nobody really gives a fuck unless you follow it up with a Super Bowl win. Hey, but shout out to the Buffalo Bills though.
How did you come to the conclusion that you were marriage material?
Just because you think you’re a catch doesn’t mean anybody else will go for the bait. Some of you women claiming to be wife material can’t get the dudes you’re currently dating to give you the spare key to his spot. “Baby, you can swing thru anytime you want, but make sure you call before come; I don’t do that pop up shit.” Nevermind all that “wifey” pillow talk; it’s a known fact that men will say almost anything during sex. (That’s why most women are walking around thinking they got bomb pussy now. You said, “is it good to you?” and he said, “it’s the fucking best.”) The only real proof of being marriage material is standing at the bottom of the isle in your wedding dress and seeing a dude in tuxedo waiting for you at the top of it.
Gambling with half his shit
58% of all marriages end in divorce, and with divorce comes the loss of all types of cash and assets. I’m not rich, but I’m doing ok. I keep at least 5 figures in the bank at all times. So jumping the broom only to decide sometime later down the line this shit ain’t working for whatever reason will cost a pretty penny. Just imagining having to move in with my little brother or sleeping on my best friend’s couch because the courts gave her my house and half my cash disturbs me. Bitch, you wasn’t me shooting in the gym. (Bitch, you wasn’t with me answering phones in this cubicle.) So rolling the dice on forever with you will cost any dude standing on his own two feet half his shit, and if you bring kids into the fold, up that to 75%.
What is about you that will make a dude want you for LIFE?
I know I’m getting famous for telling people they aren’t that special, but you got to have something special about to make a guy cancel his freedom under God and the law for you. So, what is it? Do you make the meanest pitcher of Kool-Aid on the east coast? Can you fold towels into origami shapes? It has to be something that will make your future groom say, “and that’s why I married your ass,” when you’re old and gray. I’m sure you know hoes (like real hoes), chicks that you don’t think look half as good as you, and an assortment of women that you can name all their faults and reasons why they should be single who just so happen to be married like shit. Why? They have something you don’t; a dude that loves them enough to spend their life with them.
If you ain’t married, you ain’t marriage material.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The Perks of Being Single

If you aren’t from the DC area, let me give you the rundown on a recent DC event… On Saturday, 10.30.2011, it snowed. Yeah, not that 10ft, nobody is leaving the house for a week, major power outages type of snow we got back in 2010. This snow was slight, but it had people shook. Folks were ready to cancel Halloween because Mother Nature tossed a few flurries our way. Women were on the verge of tucking away their slutty costumes and resume cuffing season. It stopped snowing, and all the women that planned to dress up as hoes for Halloween (Whoa… I mean sexy nurses and shit) were able to keep those plans intact. I’m sure all men were elated. As for myself, I was in the house watching BluRays on my 51 inch TV… alone. This is the exciting life I live. (Side note: If you’re into cartoons, “Batman: Year One” is well worth the purchase). Sometime between the night of 10.30.2011 and the next morning, I realized I’m extra cool with being alone. Like, I seriously enjoy my own company, and it bought me back to a tweet condemning people for being proud to be single. So I decided to speak on the perks of being single, especially for those that base maturity on being in a relationship.

You never feel like your time has been wasted  
You know those relationships that span years then go belly-up? Yeah, you know… Everything is all good, then before you know it, you’re four years into a relationship with someone that you can’t stand. One of the main reasons people stay in dry ass relationships is because they don’t want to start over. Folks, and by “folks” I mean “women”, always speak on how much time they've wasted in a relationship that didn’t end in “happily ever after”. Do you bitches have a relationship timeline? It’s almost as if break-ups throw women off schedule. We’ve all heard the fairytale story these women tell: in college they’re going to meet their sweetheart, be married by 25, and by 30 have 2 kids, a successful career, a puppy and house with a two car garage. So much for that life considering their sweetheart is no longer in the picture, and they are 28 with no man let alone dating consistently. You know who never says, “I wasted all that time with his no-good ass. Now I’ll never have time to find the man of my dreams”? Single women! (but not miserable single bitches; miserable single bitches are always looking for love in the daylight with a flashlight.)

You’re in charge of your own happiness   
I see pissed off people in relationships all the time, especially after that honeymoon stage. If you’re currently in a relationship that you think is the best thing that ever happened to you, I’ll be willing to put lunch money on the fact that you’ve only been official less than 6 months. Once that half year mark hits, shit gets real. People in relationships are pissed about major things like money and cheating to small petty shit like he didn’t respond to the good morning text, but he’s steady tweeting away and some nigga keep say slick shit on all her Facebook pictures. Either way, people stay beefing because their lover rubbed them wrong. Single people have half the woes and there’s not too much shit that sets them off because the things that upset them exclusively concerns them.

You can do what the fuck you want to do when you want to do it
Besides obvious shit like going home with a stranger you just met in a bar, there’s all types of things you can do without your significant other frowning on it. Tonight if you want to eat chocolate ice cream for dinner, you can without worrying about what your boyfriend is going to eat. You want to go to the club Friday? Go! Canceling date nights is cool when you are not official. Flirt, fuck, and party until your heart’s content. Aside from the dumb shit, on the realer side of things you can work on your career, indulge in hobbies, and chase your dreams without having to make room for quality time or having to worry about affecting your significant other. Leave the state to get your degree or travel the world doing odd jobs to keep yourself afloat. Hell if a $200k position of your dreams opens tomorrow in China, you can apply… if you’re single. If you’re in a relationship, you better hope 2 positions open at the same damn time.       

No judgment
Every once in a while I have a day off and have absolutely nothing planned for the entire day. Do you know what I do with myself on days like that? Not a motherfucking thing. I lay around on the floor in my living room, drifting in and out of consciousness, watching “The Wire”. I don’t even answer my phone on those days until after 6pm. None of that might be your cup of tea, but I’m pretty sure you do some weird shit that you don’t want anybody passing judgment on. And, contrary to the saying, “Only God can judge me”, there are a few other people who can openly judge you as well: (1) your mom (2) your child (3) your boyfriend/girlfriend. Your girlfriend hates your porn collection and the assortment of empty liquor bottles you have sitting on the kitchen counter.

Just remember: relationships go belly-up everyday, B
Jean DeGrate has spoken