The Perks of Being Single

If you aren’t from the DC area, let me give you the rundown on a recent DC event… On Saturday, 10.30.2011, it snowed. Yeah, not that 10ft, nobody is leaving the house for a week, major power outages type of snow we got back in 2010. This snow was slight, but it had people shook. Folks were ready to cancel Halloween because Mother Nature tossed a few flurries our way. Women were on the verge of tucking away their slutty costumes and resume cuffing season. It stopped snowing, and all the women that planned to dress up as hoes for Halloween (Whoa… I mean sexy nurses and shit) were able to keep those plans intact. I’m sure all men were elated. As for myself, I was in the house watching BluRays on my 51 inch TV… alone. This is the exciting life I live. (Side note: If you’re into cartoons, “Batman: Year One” is well worth the purchase). Sometime between the night of 10.30.2011 and the next morning, I realized I’m extra cool with being alone. Like, I seriously enjoy my own company, and it bought me back to a tweet condemning people for being proud to be single. So I decided to speak on the perks of being single, especially for those that base maturity on being in a relationship.

You never feel like your time has been wasted  
You know those relationships that span years then go belly-up? Yeah, you know… Everything is all good, then before you know it, you’re four years into a relationship with someone that you can’t stand. One of the main reasons people stay in dry ass relationships is because they don’t want to start over. Folks, and by “folks” I mean “women”, always speak on how much time they've wasted in a relationship that didn’t end in “happily ever after”. Do you bitches have a relationship timeline? It’s almost as if break-ups throw women off schedule. We’ve all heard the fairytale story these women tell: in college they’re going to meet their sweetheart, be married by 25, and by 30 have 2 kids, a successful career, a puppy and house with a two car garage. So much for that life considering their sweetheart is no longer in the picture, and they are 28 with no man let alone dating consistently. You know who never says, “I wasted all that time with his no-good ass. Now I’ll never have time to find the man of my dreams”? Single women! (but not miserable single bitches; miserable single bitches are always looking for love in the daylight with a flashlight.)

You’re in charge of your own happiness   
I see pissed off people in relationships all the time, especially after that honeymoon stage. If you’re currently in a relationship that you think is the best thing that ever happened to you, I’ll be willing to put lunch money on the fact that you’ve only been official less than 6 months. Once that half year mark hits, shit gets real. People in relationships are pissed about major things like money and cheating to small petty shit like he didn’t respond to the good morning text, but he’s steady tweeting away and some nigga keep say slick shit on all her Facebook pictures. Either way, people stay beefing because their lover rubbed them wrong. Single people have half the woes and there’s not too much shit that sets them off because the things that upset them exclusively concerns them.

You can do what the fuck you want to do when you want to do it
Besides obvious shit like going home with a stranger you just met in a bar, there’s all types of things you can do without your significant other frowning on it. Tonight if you want to eat chocolate ice cream for dinner, you can without worrying about what your boyfriend is going to eat. You want to go to the club Friday? Go! Canceling date nights is cool when you are not official. Flirt, fuck, and party until your heart’s content. Aside from the dumb shit, on the realer side of things you can work on your career, indulge in hobbies, and chase your dreams without having to make room for quality time or having to worry about affecting your significant other. Leave the state to get your degree or travel the world doing odd jobs to keep yourself afloat. Hell if a $200k position of your dreams opens tomorrow in China, you can apply… if you’re single. If you’re in a relationship, you better hope 2 positions open at the same damn time.       

No judgment
Every once in a while I have a day off and have absolutely nothing planned for the entire day. Do you know what I do with myself on days like that? Not a motherfucking thing. I lay around on the floor in my living room, drifting in and out of consciousness, watching “The Wire”. I don’t even answer my phone on those days until after 6pm. None of that might be your cup of tea, but I’m pretty sure you do some weird shit that you don’t want anybody passing judgment on. And, contrary to the saying, “Only God can judge me”, there are a few other people who can openly judge you as well: (1) your mom (2) your child (3) your boyfriend/girlfriend. Your girlfriend hates your porn collection and the assortment of empty liquor bottles you have sitting on the kitchen counter.

Just remember: relationships go belly-up everyday, B
Jean DeGrate has spoken