The Top 6 Things I’d Do If I Won the Lottery

The Mega Millions has the internet going nuts. Even some of that “Trayvon Martin” talk has taken a decline to the millions hoping to be millionaires over night. Since everybody has a “What I’m gonna do if I win” list I’d figure I’ll share mine too. You care.
 
Let’s get the basic shit out the way…
Buy my mother a house, nice car and make sure she’s straight for the rest of her days. CHECK. Put millions aside for my daughter. CHECK. Set up a trust fund for my niece and nephew for a few hundred thousand. (I mean those ain’t my kids why do they need to be millionaires too? College, a car and condo that should about cover them, right?). CHECK. Clear all of the debt of my close homies. CHECK. (If you’re wondering if you’re one of my closest homies then you’re most likely NOT.) Quit my job. UNCHECK. I’m not saying I’m going to keep working towards my retirement because I can’t chance that at all, but I won’t be getting off the payroll any time soon. People quit their jobs and go on spending sprees and cocaine binges. Not this guy; I need structure in my life.
 
Now on to that ignant dumb shit…
 
1. I’m going to give a homeless person 25k in cash just so I can follow him around until he either makes something of himself or blows it all. I’m going to assume he’ll blow it all and I’ll only be following him for 3 weeks tops before that happens.
 
2. Hirer Samuel L. Jackson or Dave Chappelle (whoever’s cheaper and available at the time) to walk around with me and tell niggas “no”. I know people are going to keep rolling up on me asking for shit and I need somebody on my team to deliver that “Fuck no nigga, get the fuck from around me” in a comedic yet ignant flare.
 
3. Get some Galaxy foamposites. I know foams are a down right coontastic shoe but the Galaxy foams are so fucking beautiful. At my current multi thousandaire status I couldn’t see myself dropping 2k on a pair off of EBay but with a few 100 million in the bank I might just cop 2 pairs.
 
4. Rent out a seedy strip club for a night and ball the fuck out. I know the strip club of choice is currently Stadium in my neck of the woods but I like my strippers with real life issues. I know the next bitch coming on stage is stripping to get her lights back on so when I set my cash out I know it’s going to her struggle instead of the tune-up on her Range Rover Sport. You ever saw the look on one of these hoes faces when you make it rain on them? You’d think it was the second coming of Christ and you can actually see her dreams coming true like finally paying off that 99 Ford Taurus.
 
5. Start the “You ain’t shit awards”. You know all of these twitpics, YouTube and WorldStar videos of people doing stupid, ratchet and just overall hood shit? I.e. the bitch from last year twerking on WorldStar and her toddler walked on camera. I would have a team of internet researchers tracking them down finding their home addresses, places of employment and any kind of contact info. I’d pop up on them, like Ed McMahon did with Publishing Clearing House, with a big ass 6 foot wide check for a grand and a bronzed trophy shaped like a pile of shit. “For your contributions against the progression of the human race the nomination committee of the “YAS Awards” decided you ain’t shit, congratulations.”
 
6. Pay a chick to pretend I’m the father of her child so I could go on the Maury show. Do to the good people at Trojan I don’t have any maybe babies floating around (damn you safe sex). Nevertheless, I’ve always wanted to go on Maury and do my personal "I’m not the daddy" speech and dance after the results are read. When I tell you I have the meanest pop lock/moonwalk/Dougie dance combo up my sleeve. Man listen, they’d probably have to bring Chris Brown out on stage to top the jig I’m going to put down that day.
 
If you won what ignant shit are you going to get into?
Jean DeGrate is wondering