You Are Ideal Side Dude Material

Like 10 days back I dropped the “You Are Ideal Side Chick Material” and I promised the male version. So here we go…

As previously stated the criteria that makes for a good side dude and a good side chick differs so greatly that I couldn’t do it in one blog. This is especially true because men would absolutely unequivocally repeatedly fuck a woman they wouldn’t be seen with in public let alone legitimately date. Women on the flipside rarely sleep with men they wouldn’t entertain in a dating capacity. In most situations a guy that’s an ideal candidate for a side position can very much flourish in Cuffing season as the main attraction. Let’s get into it.

If you appear to be a player/hoe
Women love these player/hoe types of guys as long as they aren’t the ones being played and/or cheated on. They’ll guard their hearts and open their legs while maintaining a real relationship at home. The guy that she comes home to is the man that’s good for her but the player guy just does something to her that she can’t get from her man. He’s the dessert to her main course and who doesn’t like a little dessert here and there?

If you publicly have a girlfriend and appear to be in a happy relationship
Women are petty. They like to know a guy isn’t shit. They get a kind of high from it. I used to know a girl that went to her side dudes wedding with her live in boyfriend as her date. SAVAGE. They’re not out to ruin a happy home (no Kevin Hart) just put a smudge or two on the windows. Petty shit aside; being in a relationship with something to lose makes for an excellent long term side dude and alleviates most confusion and feelings.

If you’re the work husband
Being a work husband is often a thankless job and a lot of ground work is done in an ultimately fruitless endeavor. He’s always one after work happy hour away from getting a room at the Marriott. He’s always one heated at home argument away being led into the supply closet for an afternoon delight. So close ; yet so far away. Sometimes and this is a rarity; the work husband lands into the side dude position and it’s fucking sweet. The work husband side dude has 40 hours of access to that pussy while getting paid Monday thru Friday.

If you’re the available friend that hasn’t tried it
If she calls he answers. If she text he responds within 5 minutes. It’s Wednesday at 4:59pm and she wants to hit happy hour he’s down. He’s the always there to do something fun last minute when her girls flake out and remain cool about it. He always there on the other end of the phone to kill some time. All of that somehow that translates into break in case of emergency dick; because she’s been wondering why you haven’t tried it and what it might be like. Unless he’s trash it won’t be any chance of putting that genie back in its bottle.

If you’re tricking
You ever heard the saying “whatever you’re not willing to do, someone else is”? Sure you have. That person is the trick. Typically he’s not best looking guy or the smoothest but he has that bag and he’s willing to share it for a sexual favor or two. Think of that old dude in “Set it Off” that gave Jada the strokes for little brother's tuition money. It’s a few things that her man isn’t willing to do or isn’t in a position to do and the trick is waiting because these bills ain’t gonna pay themselves.

If you’re popping
(Popping – in social or economic position to move more freely than most) Women typically cheat up financially and/or aesthetically to the type of guy they would like to date but probably wouldn’t date them in return. Think of your auntie drooling over Denzel Washington. Would your auntie date Denzel if giving the opportunity? Yes she would; leaving a “Dear John” letter for your uncle and cousins. Would Denzel date your auntie? Probably not; he’d probably call security on her if she evaded his personal space. The sky is not the limit. Women will continue to date guys in their perspective “leagues” and keep an ongoing dick appointment with the guy that’s popping. It’s like groupie logic but watered down for everyday people.

You just might be A1 side dude material
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Long Game 2017: 5 Weeks

I wrote the original version of this blog almost 5 years ago and from the male perspective. It could use a bit of tweaking because the dating game has changed radically (not really but jive like a little bit) and it should have been for everybody from the start. Let’s get into it…

Here’s how dating typically goes…

Boy sees girl he wouldn’t mind sticking his penis in. (Yes that’s how it goes every time. This is not debatable men approach women because they want to fukk them. Never in the history of man has a guy been eyeing a young lady from the other side of the room thinking “I bet she’s a dope person; I should go over there and get to know her”.) Boy sends girls a friend request/approaches her at the bar/slides in them DM’s and shoots his shot. Swish. Girl likes boy's appearance and the things he has to say then decides to give him some attention. Boy and girl begin to text and talk (but mainly text) then shortly after they set up a date. Boy takes out girl, feeds her, entertains her, and tells her his funny stories. Boy does his best to win girl over in pursuit of that puzzi. Boy will continue you to recycle this formula until…

A. Boy captures the box
B. Girl curves boy
C. Boy exhausts his resources (time, energy, money) or…
D. Boy starts to like girl

This typically all transpires during a 2 to 4 week span and options A B and C are normally a waste of time. The truth it’s really hard to gauge the level interest in a stranger in 3 weeks during the interview stage of dating. Everybody is on their best behavior, every outing their wearing the first day of school outfit and keeping all their skeletons in a locked closet hidden behind a dresser. New people are the most interesting people. New people always have all these adventures and all these refreshing views on the world uniquely based on their personal perspective. New people are so dope.

So instead of meeting somebody new on Tuesday and out on the town that Friday we should slow it down. Ladies you can save some time and some undue mileage on the puzzi and fellas on the flipside you can save on these $200 dates. Everybody wins with this approach just stick with me for a second.

Rule 1 – Don’t store numbers

Seems senseless right? If you’re really clicking with somebody they’ll always be in the top of your call/text log. If you have to swipe up 3 or 4 times to find this person clearly the chemistry isn’t there. Plus if you’re in frequent contact the number will start to look familiar; you might even accidently memorize it.

Rule 2 – Actually talk on the phone and often

I know this concept sounds wildly outdated but a long long time ago phones were actually for talking. Sounds crazy right? It’s true though if you go to the Smithsonian this weekend you can catch an actual exhibit of cavemen using phones that didn’t have text nor internet capabilities. Conversations move so much faster on the phone. 30 minutes of intense texting is only really 3 minutes of phone time. Communicating without emojis may seem odd for the first few conversations, but trust me there are words in the English language to accurately express the upside-down smiley face. This will also accelerate the Q&A stage of all those ultimately pointless ass interview questions. You’d be surprise how fast you can figure out if you like someone or if they are full of shyt when you’re left with their words and no other distractions.

Rule 3 – Don’t go out with them within 35 days

The first 3 weeks are typically all bullshyt. All smiles and laughs and exchanging dope memes and YouTube links and shyt, but it ain’t real. Week 4 is typically when shyt starts getting real (kind of like the NFL when you can tell if your team is going to the playoffs or not). When you find out they like pineapples on their pizza and only eat the flat part of chicken wings because those are trash people. When you find out they are 30 but their mom had to co-sign on their car and apartment. You start seeing the chinks in the armor and that gives you a clearer view of the person outside of all the cool shyt they’ve presented beforehand. If they make it to the end of week 4 you should be working your to setting up an outing because evidently it’s more than a physical attraction popping here. It’s a vibe and shyt.

What are you on Saturday a month from now?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

You Are Ideal Side Chick Material

*Yes there will be a side dude material blog dropping before my DM’s start going off. I’ll probably drop it sometime next week. Stay tuned tho.*

The criteria that makes for a good side chick and a good side dude varies so greatly that I can’t even put it into one blog. I tried. It didn’t work. I deleted the whole thing and went back to the drawing board. So here we are.

Unfortunately, all you single ladies aren’t up to be cuffed this season or at least cuffed by the type of guy you would rather be snowed in with. Life be lifeing and shydd. Fortunately, there is always space on team side chick. Being a side chick never goes out of season. I know of a guy that went thru a wife and 2 girlfriends whilst keeping the same side chick through them all. That situation actually ended really badly; yeah that was a terrible example so pretend you didn’t read that, but side chicks are a valuable commodity and if you play you lane it’s some perks but that’s another blog for another time. Let’s get into what we came here for…

If you own several children AND you’re poor
Define poor you say? If you buy the iPhone X you’ll have to cancel Christmas is an accurate depiction. Poor women with multiple people that climbed out her vagina solely in their care aren’t exactly ideal girlfriends. Plus being snowed in with her team of crumb snatchers might be a slight notch down from freezing to death in a blizzard because kids are terrible people. This is especially true when you don’t own those kids. These women almost never have babysitters so taking her and the litter out to eat which could get pricey. On the flipside they are up for entertaining at home well after their children’s bedtime which tucks them firmly into the side chick zone.

You work nights and or crazy hours
Most people work a 9 to 5. You don’t believe me? Rush hour exist. I rest my case your honor. If you’re on the clock during vampire hours you need to find somebody else working vampire hours. If the potential bae gets off work at 5p and you have to be on the job at 10p that’s just enough time to halfway watch a movie on Netflix and fuck. Your life set up is great for lunch time sex, before work sex, and hooky sex but not much else.

You’re ugly
There’s somebody for everybody? Yeah that’s a lie. Every time an ugly chick lands herself in a legitimate relationship an angel gets her wings. It’s in the bible right between God being cool with slavery and telling folks not to eat shrimp. Amen. Despite this new found level of bravado ugly women tend to display men still ain’t checking for them. BUT… men will fuck pretty much anything and ugly women definitely fall under the category of anything. If you’re a not so attractive woman that’s down to fuck then it’s plenty of men willing to visit you in the wee hours of the night after the club with a fifth of Patron and beef patties from 7-11 on deck.

You’re a dot com thot
You IG “models”, Snap Chat divas and FB attention whores out here living for likes that never actually turns into a check are a special breed of woman that’s extremely hard to take seriously. Your titties and ass are always out and your Cash App info is in your bio. You’re probably not a hoe but it’s not worth the gamble. You’ll make a much better fuck buddy in a no strings attached type of situation than you would with an actually girlfriend title and having to witness the world thirst over you.

You have a reputation
And by a reputation I mean you’re a hoe. You’re a hoe; it’s common knowledge you’re a hoe. Your mileage comes up in your HoeFax. You’re not Kim K and the dudes you run into aren’t Kanye. So until you move to Atlanta, where hoes go to retire, you’re either going to take a sidechick position or deal with a dude from out of town that doesn’t know any better.

Act quickly positions on the better rosters are filling fast
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Jaded Good Guy

There are two types of good guys in the world…

First we have the genuine good guys. The guys who are good-natured because that’s who they are from head to toe; they are the good Samaritans, the gentlemen and the beacons of chivalry. They do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing. Unfortunately we aren’t gathered here today to speak on those fine men carved out of the highest grade of moral integrity.

Nope.

Today we are here to talk about the other good guys. The guys that move the way they move to receive a certain response; a prize that exceeds the “that a boy” pat on the back. The “if I do XY and Z then woman should like me” good guys; the pseudo good guys. Honestly I love those guys. They’re the best type of guys because they are so fucking jaded.

Let’s get it started.

Somewhere out there is the “good guy” handbook; it contains all the required criteria to obtain good guy status. Loving his mother, keeping a job, paying bills on time, “respects” women, he’s good with his hands, has a good credit score, involved some sort of organization with other men of perceived high quality, gives spare change to the homeless and so on and so forth. He’s not trendy because he never wants to be mistaken for a new nigga; he’s never been to jail because it would jeopardize his good guy status. He doesn’t say or post racy things on social media because his family are his friends on Facebook. He always pays for dates because that’s what good guys are supposed to do. He’s been following the good guy guidelines waiting to receive his good guy blessings, and by blessings I mean a bad bitch that is sick of dope boys, fuck boys and playboys. He’s waiting for the bad bitch to recognize his goodness and realize he’s the man she never knew she needed then live happily ever after.

Pseudo good guys are perpetually attempting to date up, aesthetically speaking of course, on the good guy grading curve. “Good guys” rarely exceed a 6 out of a possible 10 rating. If a pseudo good guy is 4 the grading curve “should” allow him to successfully date 5, 6 and 7’s.  If he’s a 6 he “should” be able to bag 8’s and 9’s. You get the gist right? Right. Regrettably, it rarely pans out like that. Instead of landing themselves in a relationship; they more times than not end up in the friendzone, the play brother zone or even worst the temporary simp zone. (The temporary simp zone is when a female juices everything she can get out of man without compromising herself sexual, but of course this is only good for a limited time.)

And the problem lines here…

Even though history has taught us that women may not be the best judge of character they have been impeccably good at keeping pseudo good guys out of the pussy promise land.  These fugazi good guys typically come off creepy or disingenuous or both. Imagine seeing a grown man standing at the fence of a playground looking at the kids doing the Birdman hand rub. Ok not that creepy; but take that down about 4 notches and you’re locked on the pseudo good guy vibe. They try extremely too hard to win women over with their efforts but, lack charisma and overall personality. Their entire lexicon is a patchwork of sayings they assume will make women like them because they’ve seen it successfully used elsewhere. When the “copy and paste” vernacular accompanied by all their “good guy” credentials repeatedly fails to turn into anything fruitful they become bitter.  Pseudo good guys can’t see their flaws. They only have their checklist as a reference point and if they’ve followed the rules they can’t understand why they haven’t won. They question the integrity of women because they are good hard working men who are constantly looked over for men who they deem to be of less character and self-worth. You know, because bitches don't really want good men and shit.  In their eyes women keep choosing guys that leave them with broken hearts and turn them into single mothers. They’ll take the one story Mika told them about Andre from 3rd street that gave her a son and now he’s doing 140 years with the possibility of parole in 2064 and blankets it over every woman that’s turned them down. The pseudo good guy is jaded as fuck because bad bitches be choosing but they never choose him.

The pseudo good guy is really a fuck boy that never got in the game
Jean DeGrate has spoken