Monday, March 30, 2009

JD’s list of things straight men shouldn’t do

Take pictures of themselves
You may fresh out of the barbershop with the greatest shape-up ever or just left the gym feeling super ripped and the feeling hits you to make this a Kodak moment. But before you start that bathroom/drivers seat photo shoot ask yourself a few simple questions a. is this gay? b. would I be ashamed if my friends saw me doing this and c. how cool do I look right now pointing this camera at myself? If you can live with the answers to those questions go head point and click and I hope all your pictures come out fabulous.

Using text jargon in regular conversation
Straight nameless dude (SND) - OMG she is so phat!
JD - What the fuck? (Not WTF because in real life we don’t use acronyms for everyday phrases we just say that shit)
SND - Dude she is phat
JD - Nah say exactly what you just said
SND - Oh my God shorty is so phat
JD - No say it exactly like you said it; no remix no edit say what you just said verbatim
SND - OMG she is so phat
JD - Dude are you a 17 year old white girl? Why the fuck is OMG even in your vocabulary? OMG you’re a fucking lame. Now LOL at that.

Wear skinny jeans
It’s one type of guy that can get away with wearing skinny jeans and still get respect they are called rock stars. Are you a rock star? Do you have fans? Have you ever performed to a sold out crowd? Plus if you and your girl are wearing the same size jean who’s really the man in the relationship? Dude I can see the outline of you calf muscle take that dumb shit off. It could be me but I’ve never had the urge to see the outline of my package thru my pants.

Can’t wear skinny jeans because my pride won’t fit
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, March 20, 2009

In Current New Volume II

AIG retention bonus checks
The unemployment rate is 8.2% so that like one in twelve folks with no job. Turn on CNN or MSNBC for about 15 minutes at any given time to hear about some company doing massive layoffs. In an economy were we have folks with MBA’s restocking shelves at Target and make cappuccino at Starbucks, and job fairs with 4000 plus in attendance to fill 300 positions AIG is handing out 170 million to hold on to the “Wall Street Hedge Fund creating” talent. Where the fuck would they go? The only thing less desirable than an AIG employee from the Financial Products division is probably the former CEO of Enron. In today’s economy any check other than an unemployment check is a retention bonus check. Matter of fact I’m looking at my retention bonus check right now.

Those slopes are mean have taken down a white celeb or two in my lifetime Sonny Bono, Michael Kennedy, and now Natasha Richardson hit her head on the bunny slope and died she died son (Wikipedia actually has a list of celebrity skiing deaths; Google it). I went skiing once when I was still in high school and I didn’t get fucked up but my homie Kerry Ann Phipps did (she’s white and she’s on FB look her up) and she was an experienced skier. They took her to hospital strapped to a stretcher with neck brace and all. Take it from me or those dead rich people stay the fuck off them slopes. Whose idea was it anyway to tie wood planks to your feet then slide down a snow covered mountain?

Donte Stallworth kills man with Bentley
All I can say is damn here we go again. Why the fuck do these BLACK athletes keep doing dumb shit? Do ya’ll get these million dollar deals and lose your fucking minds. Joe Flacco ain’t never ran a dog fighting ring, Brian Urlacher ain’t never shot himself up in the club, and Brett Farve ain’t never told the police he was in a rush to go get some head. On the other hand you can almost set your watch by the next dumb move a black man whose job is based on getting a ball across a line or in hoop is going to make. What good is being a millionaire if you spend it all on lawyers and court fees? I guess on the bright side you’ll be the richest dude in prison.

At least stupid athletes ain’t fucking up my economy
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Friday, March 6, 2009

Drinking Rules for the Single Man in the Club

1. Pretty women normally don't buy drinks; that's your job.

2. Never offer to buy a woman (that you don't already know) a drink who's not standing at the bar unless you have pull with the bartender. Chances are she won't follow you to the bar and she might not be standing in the same place waiting you to bring her that drink. Carrying a drink in a martini glass is just as bad as drinking from one.

3. Waving your hands in the air to get attention at the bar is one of the best ways to make you lose cool points; just wait. When you finally get the bartenders attention tip well he'll remember and the next trip to the bar won't be as long as the one before.

4. Beer, anything sweet, and anything with milk gives you bad breath.

5. Anything with citrus, gin and tonic, and vodka with cranberry gives you good breath.

6. Always carry gum or mints.

7. You should never drink anything that comes in a martini glass at least not if you're interested in women.

8. The only acceptable fruit in a man's drink is a wedge of lime or lemon in your Corona or on the rim of your cocktail glass. No cherries, no strawberries, no pineapple.

9. Before you drink your champagne straight from the bottle look at the crowd around now decide if that would be the best move. If the person standing next you is dressed like or is Jim Jones feel free to go bottoms up but if the crowd is full of blazer and button ups find yourself a glass.

10. The more you drink the dumber you sound; talk less or drink less.

11. The more you drink the more you spit while talking; talk less or drink less.

12. The more you drink the less charming you become; talk less or drink less.

13. If you stumble over your own feet more than once it's time to call it a night.

14. Never drink rail liquor so when you order that next Long Island Iced Tea or Blue Motorcycle make sure you say premium liquor. You'll thank me in the morning. (Rail liquor is those bottles of 3 dollar vodkas and 2 dollar cognacs that will give you a hang over from hell)

15. The female bartender is taken.

16. Dancing with a drink in your hand is only successful when you drinking from a bottle (beer, champagne, or whatever); so taking that Goose and cranberry to the floor is a no go. Plus if you spill a drink in Ms. Tonight’s hair she will surely become Ms. Missed Opportunity.

Have fun and drink responsibly your reputation may be on the line
Jean DeGrate has spoken