Sunday, March 31, 2013

Why I Blog the Way I Blog

I consistently ruffle feathers (overweight women hate me like I personally made them fat; I didn't they did it to themselves I just bought it up in a blog or 3). I even take a little bit of pride in getting these people all upset over my point of view and, more times than not, cold hard ugly truths. Shit some of you women think I hate women. I don't, I love women this is why I do this I want you to do better. I got a mother, sister and a daughter. As God is my witness my daughter will never be like most of these silly ass delusional bitches I come across. Well anyway this is why I what I do how I do it...

I'm restoring balance to the force
It's a billion plus guys on the web slanging all this simp like logic and lessons. Most of the time they don't even believe in the product they are slanging to the masses, but they do it for "likes", followers, the chance to make some cash and of course pussy. They don't make their true agendas known because it would taint  their message and of course when they are saying shit like "it's somebody for everybody" and "all women are queens" they need you to believe they believe. Nah. A lot of you are going to die alone and none of you are royalty that's just some asinine shit to make you feel better about yourselves.

I'm not concerned with alienating any pussy
For every chick that's condemning my negativity and writing off my message as erroneous bullshit, two more chicks find me hilarious and brutally honest. That's just online via blogging and Twitter. In real life were data isn't exchanged in binary code women love me. I'm good looking, in great shape, gainfully employed, an excellent conversationalist and a great dad. Women love me so much that I wear a wedding ring to keep them hoes at bay. True story.

I don't get paid for this shit
The only thing keeping me from blowing up is me. I'm not saying that in this optimistic "I believe I can fly I believe I can do anything" type of tone. No. I'm fully aware of my limitations. I got one of the biggest urban bloggers in my corner so all I have to do is give Panama a call and just like magic, instant exposure, fans and money. Instead I do this shit for free, zero perks, zero pressure and zero censorship. I'm allowed not to give a fuck and speak freely because nobody is dependant on my content or success.

You're all welcome
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Protocol for the Single Man in the Club or Bar

First off, I'm an average dude that does pretty well in the club. I'm not a local celebrity (I have 8 Twitter followers). I'm not 6'6. I'm in good shape but that has never gotten me any pussy; trust and believe by the time I get to taking my shirt sex is already guaranteed (these pecs won't be the deciding factor). I wear name brand shit but a hoe has never looked down at my shoes and said "Are those Gucci my nigga? I see you shining; I should give you some pussy". (Muscles and expensive shoes are only good for "likes" on Instagram; no practical applications in the real world though.) Good I'm glad the formalities are out of the way just in case folks think I might have a leg up on them.

Last week folks were on twitter talking about buying drinks in the club and all other types of party shenanigans. I was appalled that women really still expected men to buy them drinks in the club and I was even more appalled that niggas were purchasing said drinks.

Don't buy strangers drinks
Seriously don't buy strangers drinks it's an epic waste of money and time. Buying a drink doesn't even guarantee a conversation that will last as long it takes to finish the drink. Besides getting a "thank you" followed by her immediately turning around to focus on her friends; there are far too many variables that can go wrong with buying drinks. My personal favorite "drink buying" off set is when the most attractive member of the group gets some poor sap to buy her entire crew a round of drinks. With the cost of gas now a days who can freely afford to buy a round of drinks for a group of strangers? Oh yeah and you'll instantly be labeled a simp.

Be patience and wait for the bartender
Don't try to hail the bartender like you're flagging down a cab. Don't wave a 20 back and forth hoping he or she will notice that you are a paying customer or assume you are a big tipper. Be patience, wait and once you do get your chance to order tip in cash and tip well. That will alleviate the struggle of waiting for the bartender to serve you again because he will already know you tip well and will make you a priority.

Always get to the party late
If happy hour starts at 5 and ends at 8 show up around 630. If doors at the club open at 10 and the guest list ends at 11 show up at 12. Don't be the party starter that's the DJ's job. Don't be the first guy at the bar; that's lonely nigga's job. Walking into a dead event will kill your vibe and have you spending excessive money at the bar because in an empty party there isn't shit else to do but drink.

Manage your drunk
Know your limit and not because you might drink and drive and kill yourself clearly this blog isn't about your safety. It's thin line between slightly buzzing turned up guy and the bouncer is about to throw you out of the club and watch you land on your face wasted guy. Don't be the latter.

Oh none of this will get you any girls but it will keep you from alienating them
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Monday, March 18, 2013

Why Black Women Aren't Getting Chose

Side note - I exclusively date black women but I will and have totally fucked the shit out of a chick from another race.

Yesterday my homie Harry had me watching some documentary about black men in Brazil. Pretty much it was focusing on a group of lame ass black men that ran off to or frequent Brazil for a "better" class of females. They weren't getting it popping up here in the US, so they hopped on a plane to get popping down there. Just by watching these guys I could tell that either they would have to become sugar daddies or outsource to another race to date the caliber of women they were interested in. Anyway this foolishness got me to thinking why black women aren't getting chosen like they used to. Here's the Jean DeGrate theory...

Admittedly the dating climate has changed because men and women are now more equal they have ever been. With this equality comes pros and cons and black women tend to overlook the cons all whilst trying to capitalize on the pros. The black man is no longer an authority figure but still is expected to be a provider and protector. With that said black women don't behave in the way they used to but still expect to be catered to as they were living in a pre-equality culture. He will pay the bills but he won't call any shots.

Big time attitude
We watched these reality shows and sitcoms where black women are often displayed as sassy, uncompromising and argumentative. That persona is not too far off base. More times than not, black women are never wrong and require the last word in every debate and/or argument no matter how meaningless the topic may be. Vagina logic often over powers rational thought and somehow makes them above blame and prosecution for their faults.

You don't have to get on to get a white girl
Unlike back in the day when a black man needed to have all types of cash and status to get a white woman an average Joe can go out and get him a quality white bitch right now. And by right now I mean tonight at some random happy hour. Racism is still alive but it's surely not as strong as it used to be, so the requirements on dating outside of the race have lowered greatly. You want a Latina? Go and get you one. You want an Asian? Go and get you one. You want a white girl? There all over the place pick one start a conversation; ask her did she vote for Obama. Chances are when you're walking down the street with your new white girl the only ones that will be giving you dirty looks are the unchosen black women.

Black women are fat (a BMI of 25% or better)
(Let's face it; the looks of a potential are far more important to men than they are to women. That's why women wear make-up and revealing clothing while men wear Jordan's and T-shirts.) 4 out of 5 black women are fat and 66% of these fat chicks have high self-esteem. So let's break this math down a little better; out of 100 black women 80 of them are fat and out of that 80 you got 50 of them that think they are the shit. (Don't believe me? Please look this shit up on your own). I blame the bulk of this hubris on the misuse of the term "thick", but at the same time mirrors don't lie and a size 14 is size 14 no matter how you try to disguise it. Nobody is out here tracking down cocky fat bitches to settle down with. "I love over confident over weight black women" - No black man ever

Black men have ample options these days and solid reasons to stray from the sisters. Having matching skin tones isn't exactly a huge selling point when most dudes are already on light skin women heavy. Let's be honest black women aren't the only show in town anymore and they aren't exactly crushing the competition either.

Black vagina gets outsourced everyday B
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, March 14, 2013

JD's New Chick Dating Protocol

So I'm chopping up with my homie Naomi and she tells me she was on the phone until 230am with some new nigga that has never gotten the cheeks. First thing that runs thru my mind is what the fuck was this man thinking staying on the phone to that hour with work in the morning. Oh fuck that, it's no way I'd be walking into the office with my eyes stop sign red because I've been up on the phone just shooting the shit. Nah. No way. Then I realized I've never blessed the world with my new chick dating protocol because as men we need to do better.

1. Can't be on the phone at an hour that I'd flip out if you were to call at
Look here I'm grown I got work and shit in the morning. I can't be rolling up into the office tossing back red bulls just to keep my eyes open because you want to chit chat to the wee hours on the morning. I'm not about that up all night life without an adventure or some pussy for my troubles. We got to be off the phone by midnight or I'm going to need directions to her residence.

2. Give her no date options
It's a 99.99% chance that if I'm going out with a new chick I'm footing the bill. With that said I'm choosing everything. I'm choosing the movie, the theatre, the restaurant... everything. If I'm paying I have to make sure I have a good time. It's no guarantee that I'll ever see this young lady ever again and nothing could be worst that going to see a Rom Com starting Katherine Heigl then eating Olive Garden on my own dime. Neither of things is of any interest to me.

3. Always play the away game
We getting up to "chill" for the first time? That will be at her house. I can't think of a good reason to have a stranger in my home; I got too much valuable shit and I sleep hard. I can't chance waking up with her gone and my flat screens missing. Plus if the sex is bad it's way easier to make an exit than it would be to kick her out. Matter of fact depending on her living conditions I might exclusively play the away game. I.e. if I can touch her TV while I lay in her bed; away game forever. If none of dishes and/or silverware match; away game forever. If her living room furniture looks like it came off the set of Good Times... you get the idea right?

4. Zero PDA
And I do mean zero. Like don't touch me out in these streets because I need plausible deniability to ever inhabiting her cooch, especially if I haven't fucked yet. Don't lift up that armrest in the movies. Don't try to hold my hand as we walk next to each other. Don't use a pet name when referring to me as we sit across from each other in the restaurant; Jean or JD will work just fine. "Boo you ever had the salads here?" "Who the fuck is boo?"

5. Pre-first date semi nudes or full nudes (it's up to her)
You women are like Decepticons these days with all the products that make them more than meets the eye (and sometimes less) literally. (I've seen a size 6 go to a size 10 after a full meal and the removal of a griddle; shits real out here.) You're push up bras, spanx, body shapers, Hollywood level makeup applications and all other types of deceitful tactics that lead men astray.  That semi nude will let me know what I'm signing up for; that 2 piece swimsuit from last year's Miami trip will do just fine. I'll also need a picture immediately after she's watched her face holding today's paper.

"It's rules to this shit I wrote me a manual" - Biggie
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Thursday, March 7, 2013

What Maturity Is...

Maturity - 1.  full growth or development 2. a mature state
Mature - 1. acting or seemingly adult

Somehow (according to urban culture of course) the key principles of being a mature adult are based on child ownership, being or wanting to be in a committed relationship, owning property and of course moving out on your own. How did urban culture come to these terms? Fuck if I know. I've actually seen black mothers berate women that haven't acquired fuck trophies of their own for not knowing what real responsibility is. It blew my mind. The audacity of these bitches... sorry, I mean these unfortunate single mothers who've mismanaged their pussy and now have to face the struggle passing judgment on those who didn't make such foolish choices. (That right there is another blog for another time thought.)

Unfortunately, none of those things define a maturity. Reproducing doesn't make you a grown-up. Every living thing reproduces including bacteria so aiding in bringing life into this world gains you zero kudos on the maturity totem pole. (Also managing to keep your offspring alive and healthy isn't exactly an amazing accomplishment either.) Seeking out intimate companionship also isn't a staple of adulthood. A 40 year old bachelor (or bachelorette) who is not seeking out a mate is not a sign of immaturity. I can't even begin to understand the logic behind that train of thought. Some people don't want to settle down and get married. Anybody can buy property if funds allow it. Making a large purchase whether it has a roof and four walls or 20 inch rims and a hemi can't define you as an adult. As far as moving out of your parents place is a personal and financial preference. You don't get along with your Mom you should probably move out. You rather stay in you folks' basement and pay the cable and light bill to stack and extra 1200 a month then by all means do so. Another part of being an adult is making decisions in your best interest instead of wondering about what others may think of you. This brings me to my first point...

Being free of peer pressure
One of the being parts of actually being mature adult is no longer doing things to gain favor amongst your peers; especially so if they don't benefit you in anyway. Doing what's best for you without worrying about the judgment of others is true sign of adulthood and proof of being an individual thinker.

Being financially responsible
A lot of folks are living beyond their means trying to keep up with the Jones, having children they can't afford and all without the foresight to save for a rainy day. I know a lot of alleged adults that live check to check and not because they don't make enough to eat and save but because they splurge like tomorrow is never going to come. Having a banking account for more than online shopping and bill paying is part of being a grown up because you can't just keep storing your money under your mattress. Saving for retirement, paying for health care (if your job doesn't provide it) and life insurance all parts of being a fiscally sound adult.

Eliminating people from your life that pull you down
You still got your ain't shit homies around you causing more harm than good. Instead of leaving them of FaceBook and Instagram you are still allowing them to bring their stress and problems to your front door. Your ratchet homies are borrowing your money with intentions of never paying it back and dragging you into altercations that are none of your concern.

Being able to keep it 100
A lot of folks have a problem telling friends, family members and others the truth. Whether it's avoiding hurting someone's feeling or postponing the truth to avoid awkward situations not keeping it real is a sign of immaturity. You're ducking calls of people you don't want to talk to instead of politely telling them to fuck off, immature. When you're homie ask your opinion on some dumb shit she's about to do and you don't tell them straight up you're about to fuck up, immature. If you surround yourself with people you can't be honest with you're not even mature enough to pick your own friends and associates.

This is what being grown is about fuck what you heard
Jean DeGrate has spoken

PS there will be a part II

Follow on Twitter @JeanDeGrate and FB as Jean DeGrate

Friday, March 1, 2013

Girl, We Ain't Dating, Nah We Just Cracking

...And by cracking I mean fucking

Dating - a form of courtship consisting of outings and social activities done by two people with the aim of assessing each others suitability for a potential committed relationship. You know with titles and that other dope shit attached. For you internet bitches when your HIM and/or "friend" actually gets a name.

Fucking - Little to no outings, limited day time communications and of course sexual relations.

Fact - Women rarely fuck men they wouldn't date.
Fact - Men will knowingly fuck women with ZERO interest in doing anything beyond fucking.

Since women almost exclusively fuck men they have genuine interest in they naturally assume due to vaginal hubris that those men share the same feelings and this is where the line between fucking and dating gets all screwed up. I could tell you a story or 70 about women that thought we were dating only to find out we were just fucking but that wouldn't be very time efficient. So the big homie DeGrate is going to give you some guidelines to what just fucking consists of to clear up any future confusion. You're all welcome.

You never talk on the phone
Even in this day and age of text everything there is still no more efficient way of conveying large amounts of dialog other than actually talking. If you are not talking on the phone he doesn't really want to know too much about you. He'll text and keeps all phone calls under 10 minutes, baby this is just fucking.

He always plays the away game
He lives alone but your house is always the chill spot? He does a CSI level search of your bedroom to double... I mean triple check he leaves nothing behind (including the condom wrapper). He never allows the sunrise to catch him sleeping and sometimes after the deed is done he even comes out of the bathroom fully dressed (the move I like to refer to as the skeet and skate).

He always has a reason for not spending the night
"I forgot my phone charger; I can't be out here with a dead battery" "Your house is too far away from my job and that traffic is going to be crazy." "Seeing you coming out of the shower in the morning isn't going to motivate me to go to work; it's going make me lay you back down. I can't have that type of pressure first thing in the morning." Whatever it is he always has a great reason to never pack that overnight bag.

You never get premium nights
For those that don't know "premium nights" are the nights that you don't have to go to work the next day i.e. Friday, Saturday and a few Sundays preceding holidays. Before the happy hour starts and before the sun sets you already know he has plans on those premium nights that don't involve you. Either he's kicking it with Craig and them or helping his mom trap the raccoons in the crawl space below house, one thing for sure he's always busy.

He only does shit on request
He'll cuddle when you ask him why he doesn't cuddle with you. He'll call you when you send him that text asking why you two never talk on the phone. He'll like a couple pictures on your IG account when you ask him why he's paying attention to everything else but you. He'll temporarily fulfill the most basic requests to shut you the fuck up before going back to business as usual.

He doesn't acknowledge your online presence
Never @'s you Twitter? Never comments on your FB post? Never publicly replies to anything you say to him online? Always in your DM's but never in your mentions? Ya'll just fucking and he doesn't want to alienate any other possible pussy from the other bitches twatching.

If this applies to you then you now know what it is
Jean DeGrate has spoken