JD's New Chick Dating Protocol

So I'm chopping up with my homie Naomi and she tells me she was on the phone until 230am with some new nigga that has never gotten the cheeks. First thing that runs thru my mind is what the fuck was this man thinking staying on the phone to that hour with work in the morning. Oh fuck that, it's no way I'd be walking into the office with my eyes stop sign red because I've been up on the phone just shooting the shit. Nah. No way. Then I realized I've never blessed the world with my new chick dating protocol because as men we need to do better.

1. Can't be on the phone at an hour that I'd flip out if you were to call at
Look here I'm grown I got work and shit in the morning. I can't be rolling up into the office tossing back red bulls just to keep my eyes open because you want to chit chat to the wee hours on the morning. I'm not about that up all night life without an adventure or some pussy for my troubles. We got to be off the phone by midnight or I'm going to need directions to her residence.

2. Give her no date options
It's a 99.99% chance that if I'm going out with a new chick I'm footing the bill. With that said I'm choosing everything. I'm choosing the movie, the theatre, the restaurant... everything. If I'm paying I have to make sure I have a good time. It's no guarantee that I'll ever see this young lady ever again and nothing could be worst that going to see a Rom Com starting Katherine Heigl then eating Olive Garden on my own dime. Neither of things is of any interest to me.

3. Always play the away game
We getting up to "chill" for the first time? That will be at her house. I can't think of a good reason to have a stranger in my home; I got too much valuable shit and I sleep hard. I can't chance waking up with her gone and my flat screens missing. Plus if the sex is bad it's way easier to make an exit than it would be to kick her out. Matter of fact depending on her living conditions I might exclusively play the away game. I.e. if I can touch her TV while I lay in her bed; away game forever. If none of dishes and/or silverware match; away game forever. If her living room furniture looks like it came off the set of Good Times... you get the idea right?

4. Zero PDA
And I do mean zero. Like don't touch me out in these streets because I need plausible deniability to ever inhabiting her cooch, especially if I haven't fucked yet. Don't lift up that armrest in the movies. Don't try to hold my hand as we walk next to each other. Don't use a pet name when referring to me as we sit across from each other in the restaurant; Jean or JD will work just fine. "Boo you ever had the salads here?" "Who the fuck is boo?"

5. Pre-first date semi nudes or full nudes (it's up to her)
You women are like Decepticons these days with all the products that make them more than meets the eye (and sometimes less) literally. (I've seen a size 6 go to a size 10 after a full meal and the removal of a griddle; shits real out here.) You're push up bras, spanx, body shapers, Hollywood level makeup applications and all other types of deceitful tactics that lead men astray.  That semi nude will let me know what I'm signing up for; that 2 piece swimsuit from last year's Miami trip will do just fine. I'll also need a picture immediately after she's watched her face holding today's paper.

"It's rules to this shit I wrote me a manual" - Biggie
Jean DeGrate has spoken