Thursday, May 30, 2013

Dear Ladies...

Sometimes I sit at my desk and type up some of my thoughts for you ladies in letter form because I'm deep like that. Now none of these letters fill up a page but I'm sure what I have to say applies to some of my readers. Take these words, go out into the world and flourish...

Dear single ladies with multiple children,
You're not equal to women with no and or less kids. Your fertility will handicap your relationship from reaching the 1 year mark because no man wants to buy shit for you and your 3 plus children for Christmas only for them niglets to get him socks and a tie in return. Plus your son only got but one time to crack a nigga's iPhone screen trying to play Subway Surfer before shit gets real.

Dear ladies that I used to smash,
I've managed to stay in shape, dress in a respectable fashion and keep all of my teeth. I'm doing this for all  of you so when you see me in the streets and think to yourselves "I gave that man some pussy" you don't have to hang your head in shame. I expect the same from you all. If you have fallen off and see me in the streets, please don't speak; keep it moving. If you roll up on me with your busted ass I'm going to say "no I don't have any change" then carry on like you're not there. You've been warned if you fall off I can't know you anymore and I'm also unfucking you.

Dear ladies putting all your personal drama on the net
We are laughing at you. I know a few people are leaving those empty "be strong" comments on your status but others are just laughing in silence. I personally seek out ratchet bitches with drama to befriend on FB you help me through my work day. I really appreciate the niggas that are doing you wrong, your phony ass friends and most importantly you willingness to share all this stuff with perfect strangers. You're the best boo and I hope your life doesn't get any better because I'd have to delete you.

Dear ladies that are overweight
Fat is actually a real word to describe your body type. (Fat - having a body weight greater then is considered desirable or advisable) People didn't make it up to be mean to you. We also didn't make you fat; that was a full fledge commitment on your part alone. You can't be mad at me for acknowledging that your metabolism isn't equipped to deal with the amount of food you consume. It's either your comfortable with who you are or you're not.

Dear ladies the dating game has change
Since sending out DM's via Twitter and messages via FB are equally as effective as buying drinks in the club but cost zero dollars; you can expect men to put in way less effort than you may be accustom to. To be perfectly honest the pussy market is way more accessible than it has ever been due to technology so if you're not showing immediate signs of interest it's no reason for that guy not to more on. Please take your vagina off of that pedestal when the chicks above you below you on your timeline bring the same things as you to the table but don't sit on a high horse.

Because I be writing letters and shit
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

No More Kim K Slander From You Ma'am

***Not that this has anything to do with this blog in the slightest but did CoCo give Ice-T those titties back or nah? Hit me on Twitter let me know how that played out.***

I'm not a Kim Kardashian fan. I don't hate her but certainly won't be watching her shows. If she tossed me the pussy I'd surely catch it, be proud of it and brag to my friends about it. (I'd probably end every argument with "I fucked Kim Kardashian but you still fucking these anything bitches"). I respect her hustle. She turned a sex tape with Ray J into a fucking empire that got her entire family rich. Half of you women reading this blog would suck Ray J's dick on film right now if he promised to pay your rent thru the end of the year. Oh he won't have to call you girlfriend either like he did Kim. All the same women love to slander Kim; you'd think she personally wronged you all in someway. For the record she isn't a hoe because she's never been linked with anybody that wasn't claiming her unlike most of you.

So here a list of a few situations that should push a vast majority clear out of the Kim Kardashian slander game...

No Kim K slander from you if your baby daddy was in the wind when you were pregnant with his seed.
Kim is on the red carpet with her man big belly and all but you couldn't get the nigga that was hitting it raw to cuddle on the couch and watch reruns of Martin with you. Your Kim K slander is non-valid ma'am.

No Kim K slander from you if your baby daddy ain't shit.
I know a Grammy award winning rapper that rubs elbows with the likes of Jay-Z and Beyonce are heights that most will never see. So let's scale things down a bit. So if your baby daddy can't manage to hold on to a job for a year and keep his Cricket cell phone on because that $55 a month is just to much to handle... bitch relax.

No Kim K slander from you if it niggas out here with your nudes in their phone but they never gave you a title.
I stay with nudes in my phone from a random jump off. I don't even know her last name but I know she has a birth mark right under her left tittie. Kim K nudes are in playboy and one of the highest grossing sex tapes in history. Your nudes on iPhone screens and may or may not have been leaked on Twitter.

No Kim K slander from you if the last 3 niggas to get the pussy wasn't your man.
You're having way too much casual sex to be slandering a woman this is consistently in committed relationships. You and your friendly pussy need to find some chill.

No Kim K slander from you if the rapper you dated never made it past of open mics.
Every 3rd chick out here has dated some sort of aspiring musician. In most cases that musician is just a local rapper with YouTube videos with several 100's of views by him and his homies. He still waiting to get on? Blew his tax return on studio time? Let Kim cook.

No Kim K slander from you if you're fat and not pregnant
Her pregnancy attire is sketchy and that's being mild mannered about it. You 24/7 365 fat bitches dishing out criticism over her weight and clothing need to stop right there. You been fat no baby needed. Go ahead heat up a healthy choice and get you mind right.

Let that millionaire have a baby with another millionaire in peace
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Hit me on Twitter @ JeanDeGrate

I Don't Pay

Shit that I don't pay that a lot of you do

I Don't Pay Child Support
Yep that's right; I'm a gainfully employed black man with a child by a black woman that I didn't marry. She has never taken me before the judge to garnish my wages or force the law to make me take responsibility for the little girl that used to live in my balls. Does that make me a great dad? Nope. Does that make her a phenomenal mom? Nope. Does that make either one of us lucky? Nope. It just makes us two adults that seriously explored the character of one another before deciding to make a baby together. No luck including. How you all ended up with ain't shit co-parents? The fault is solely on you.

I Don't Pay Sallie Mae
Yeah I did a little bit of college but unlike my other high school peers I didn't fill out any FASA forms nor did I have rich parents. Nope. The young and not great Jean paid for his solo year of higher education with cocaine. Uncle Cocaine bought my books, paid my tuition, gave me lunch money and even keep me fresh from the first day of school right up until I dropped out. I'm sure studying hard and getting a scholarship would have been the most admirable way to go but I'm just a hood nigga from uptown with internet access.

I Don't Have Any Consumer Debt
I never got up with Master Card, Discover and America Express. I never bought furniture, clothing, electronics or anything other than a car that I couldn't pay for right then and there. So here I am at 33 years old and the only bills I got are the bills that I can't stop. You know cell phone, insurance, rent and shit.

I Don't Owe the IRS
I never had any of those clever tax time tricks to balance out all the funny shit I've been doing during the year. I never had a crack-head to let me claim her kids and I didn't invent a failing business as a write-off. Look how they did Wesley Snipes and L Boogie and now they are coming for Mary J Blige's head. Just imagine how they are going to handle my talentless ass? Don't garnish my pay or throw me in the same jail I avoided when I really breaking the law because I upped my exemptions and tried to claim Latisha's kids. At the end of the day I much rather Uncle Sam owe me than the other way around.

I don't have average Joe financial woes
Jean DeGrate be winning sometimes

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

No New Friends (No Drake)

Seriously no Drake

Cuffing season is over and the 70 degree days are here. Ladies are breaking the sundresses out and the happy hours are bit happier. We are young sexy and free (well most of us aren't that young nor sexy but the free part is still valid).

The good times are here again, but what's sunshine without a little rain and that rain is the friend zone lurking behind her flirty smile. See as much as men love new pussy women equally love free drinks, meals and other outings provided by some unsuspecting suitor. Don't be that guy. Here is JD's top 5 ways to stay out of the friend zone during new pussy season.

1. If she ain't that fine ask her for nudes off top
Let's be honest every outing isn't going to end in you exchanging numbers with dimes. There will be nights when only the 6's and under are biting. Chances are these 6s won't view themselves as easy buckets but a few of them actually know their role. How do you separate them you ask? Ask for nudes. The girl that sends that face off nude back is down to... well you know, but the ones that get offended or start that "I don't even know you like that" speech proceed to deleting her number. You just saved time and money by thinning the herd.

2. Be in total control of the 1st date agenda
If she wants to see you it really doesn't matter what you plan to do excluding clubbing baby seals, coming over the house to chill and a candle lit dinner at a fast food restaurant. If you say let's go grab a few drinks, kick it in the park or see the new Hangover movie she should be down if she's really interested. It's those "take me here, I only really eat there, I'm tired of the movies" professional dating hoes that are trying to lean on your pockets and get a free meal up off you.

3. Ask her about her dating criteria and actually listen to her
See at a moment’s notice, unbeknownst to you of course, a female will slip you into that friend zone as soon as she realizes you don't fit enough of her criteria’s to get the pussy. It's your job to find out if you're heading to the friend zone before you make a move on her and she hits the brakes then calls you her brother. Let her go over that list of perfect mate wants and deal breakers. Likes men with beards but your goatee won't connect? Get out of there. Likes her men well-read but you only read comments on IG? Get out of there. Dates men that she considers her equal and she has her master's, 5 years into her career but you're the night manager at Walgreen's while taking online courses at Phoenix University for the last 4 years? Get out of there bro. Don't waste your time and energy trying to make a half-court shot when it's plenty of free throws and lay-ups out here to be made.

4. Do not offer up that mouth
I repeat do not offer up that mouth. It's an alarming number of you simps or whatever you like to refer to yourselves as, that offer up that mouth in hopes that it will get you to the pussy promise land. That route is not guaranteed nor is it remotely secure. You may find yourself with a face glazed in pussy juice and unfucked. Furthermore you will be labeled as the thirsty nigga that just gave her head and will be deported to the friend zone. Don't you come up off that mouth bro.

5. Don't do anything special pre-pussy
Don't loan her any money. Don't help her move (tell her you have a pencil fight championship match that day or something); just make yourself unavailable. Don't buy her any gifts. Don't celebrate her birthday; that "Happy Bday" text will more than suffice. Don't let her kids play games on your iPhone. Don't you do a damn thing over the top pre-pussy. Any of these actions will put you in the "nice guy"/push over category and women love to put the best of men in the friend zone. No good deed goes unpunished when it happens pre-pussy.

No new friend we don't do that (well maybe just a splash of Drake)
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

More of This Pop Culture Sh...

This not a blog I'm just typing shit that I should probably be tweeting

Ja Rule is home and it's Tuesday. Continue on with your day as normal.

Dear Lauren Hill,
How are you managing to pop up in my life everyday? I swear if you should have died in 2000 you would have been a legend but now you're just a crazy baby momma with tax problems. You are by far the biggest falloff in music history and I know after you do this 3 month bid you'll just become even stranger. Who gave you that 900k though?

RIP Chris Kelly but not really
I forgot you were alive and even where you were at your peak I was never sure who was the Mac Daddy and who the Daddy Mac was. "I Miss The Bus" was my Jam though but I'm pretty sure it's aged badly since I no longer have to be in the house when the street lights come on. Anyway junkies OD and died everyday B.

Charles Ramsey I see you shining
You fancy ribs and save white women sir you are a true American. You're probably destine to become the next Sweet Brown/Antoine Dodson but at least you did something admiral that getting you your 15 minutes of fame. McDonald's should also cut you a check and rename the McRib after you.

Kanye West is losing right now
You impregnated Kim and now you look like the most unhappiness guy alive. Did that prego box not live up to the hyped up folklore of wetness? Are all these fat Kim meme's getting the best of you. Either way bro you looking fucking miserable almost as if hitting that thing raw was the worst thing that happened you since you crashed the car and broke your jaw.

Mr. Cee you need to start eating dick in New Jersey.
Just cross the bridge bro. Nobody want to hear about you eating dick and getting hemmed up by the feds. You got to be more careful. I honestly forget that you exist until you caught with a tranny again.

Totally not a blog thanks for reading though
Jean DeGrate did something on paper