The Benefits of Dating a Big Girl

Off top: I’ve never dated a big girl, mainly because I like the option of fucking with the lights on, and I suffer from a phobia of being crushed by a fat woman in my sleep. The medical name for it is “Bitch-Get-Your-Fat-Ass-Off-Me-A-Phobia”, and until a cure is found, I’ll never be able to date the Jill Scott-ish woman of my dreams. There will be no frolicking in fields of bacon for Jean DeGrate. But, enough about me and on with the blog… 

If there was ever a group of people that made a serious effort at compensating for their physical shortcomings, it’s fat women who date non-fat men. The term “pleasantly plump” was coined by a skinny dude that exclusively dated big bitches.  

There’re 3 types of fat women out here… 

1. The “I just had a baby” fat chick. (And by “just”, they mean anywhere from 3 months to 10 years ago.) These chicks don’t really consider themselves fat chicks because “it’s just baby weight.” Nope, it doesn’t matter if the kid is going to college next year. In my world, 9 months post-birth is long enough to lose baby fat. Logically so, since it took nine months to put the weight on in the first place. To these women, that logic doesn’t apply; they will use “baby weight” as an excuse forever, and because they don’t really believe they are fat, they don’t give up true fat chick services.

2.The “after high school/freshman 15/got a desk job and packed on some pounds” fat chick. This chick here used to be fine or somewhat desirable prior to the weight gain. Although she went from a size 2 to a size 14, over the last few years, when she looks at herself in the mirror, she still sees the body she had as a senior in high school. In her mind, she is just as fine as she ever was. It would take the ghost of Christmas past to reveal the truth to her. For that reason alone, she will continue to eat honey buns from the work snack machine everyday, and when she gets home, there will be no fat chick services provided to her man. This is the bitch that will sit on the couch eating a microwavable dinner, watching Real Housewives, while her boyfriend caters to his damn self.

3. The “I’ve been big all my life so people call me Precious behind my back” fat chick. She’s the genuine article. She doesn’t have the ego of those previous two bitches because there’s no delusion of who she is. She knows she’s a fat bitch. She shops at Lane Byant, instead of trying out Forever 21’s plus line for size. She skips breakfast to cut calories; like it makes any fucking difference. Very few fat bitches have that Monique type-of self esteem; deep down, most fat chicks are so ashamed. It sounds horrible, but if you’re her boyfriend, this lack of self-esteem is the come-up for you (Winning). This is the big girl of your overweight lover dreams, and here’s why… 

She’ll cater to you
Remember that Destiny’s Child song “Cater to you”, and all the dope shit they were talking about doing for their man? Of course you do, but know this: unless you’re balling out of control (and tricking/simping), you will never get a chick that isn’t at high risk for heart attack or diabetes and has a healthy BMI index to do any of that shit on a regular basis. These big girls will work a full time job, help the kids with homework, and still bring you dinner with a beer to the couch, while you watch Monday Night Football. She’ll cook anything your heart requests; just don’t request a side salad. She draws the line at salad, but steak, meatloaf, pork chops, and macaroni and cheese can be on the table every night if you please. She’ll clean with no complaints because that’s what it takes to keep her man happy. She’ll even come and bathe you “Coming to American” style, if that’s what you’re into. 

She’ll take care of you…
Like she will literally take care of you in such a way that she might be legally able to claim you on her taxes. I know 3 dudes that retired from hustling because they started dealing with a big bitch that just wouldn’t let them leave. She’d go out of her way to make sure there was nothing in the outside world he could possibly want that he couldn’t get right at home. Cable, Xbox, HDTV, flat screens, alcohol, and all of his favorite foods were always on deck. She’ll pay cell phone bills and even buy him clothes; big bitches love to dress a nigga. If you were a Blac Label type-of nigga, she’ll upgrade you to LRG; no problem.  

She is always down to fuck
She doesn’t need all that wining and dining to get her in the mood. Ya’ll could be watching Saturday morning cartoons; then you could turn and say, “Hey girl; come jump on this dick.” Before she can get the “ok” out, she’ll be giving you mouth. Rough sex… she loves it. Her body is built like an F-150; you could literally kidney punch her while hitting it from the back, and it will be all good. Kinky sex… she’s with that, too. She already knows she has to be down to do the shit the next girl (who is likely skinny and better-looking) won’t do. You can bust a nut in her ear canal, if that’s what you’re into.  

Bored with busting nuts on your skinny bitch’s back and stomach? This cuffing season, a big bitch may be the way to go.

Sidenote: Jean DeGrate STILL doesn’t date big bitches.