How to Cheat

Because anything worth doing is worth doing well

Not that I’m a cheater and not that any of you care if I am or not but I felt the need to state it nonetheless. I’ve been trained by the Jedi masters of sleeping around. Nope, not some crew of super pimp player ass guys. I’ve been trained by the best that have ever done it; vagina owners. Nobody does it better. Chances are if your girl is cheating on you’ll never find out. Anyway, let me get this started.

1. Get a side piece that knows they are a side piece

One of the worst things you can do to yourself is trying to juggle two or more relationships and keeping everybody in the dark. YOU ARE GOING TO FUCK THIS UP. You’ll laugh before the joke because you’ve already seen the new Tyler Perry movie with your main chick. You’ll mix up dates. You’ll forget to move your side chick’s shampoo out of the shower and put back your main chick’s razor and body wash. “Donte, whose “Crème of Nature” shampoo is this?” At that moment you will know the jig the is up. You will sleep much better with a side piece that knows what it is. Plus you can say shit like “Be quiet for a second this is my girl calling I got to take this” and your side piece will actually shut up.

2. Safe sex

You can be the Floyd Mayweather of getting pussy on the side but when you bring that chlamydia home shit is going to get real and you’ll really wish you were Mayweather when she’s trying to take your head off with a baseball bat. It’s going to be a no brainer that you’ve been fucking around. Her last doctor’s appointment said everything was AOK and that was 3 months ago and she’s been letting you hit it raw for 9 months. Yep all arrows will point to you. On the bright side; setting your Jordan’s on fire and carving “cheater” into the hood of your 2008 Impala with a kitchen knife will make you a legend on Twitter and Instagram.

3. Leave that social media alone

All that liking and commenting on pictures is the fastest way to throw up a red flag; even if you aren’t doing shit but liking and commenting people always assuming those DM’s are doing the most. Just yesterday a female homie told me a dude she doesn’t KNOW AT ALL started following her on IG liked a few pictures and a few days later his girl was in her DM’s asking her if her dude was sleeping with her man. Now in this case this girlfriend is a bit over the top but your seemingly saner significant other is still paying attention and suspicion will lead to you getting caught up.

4. Cash is king

Swiping creates a paper trail that you can’t explain away; especially if it doesn’t correlate with the lie you already have in place. If you went to your brother’s house to help mount his TV and setup a new entertainment center then 1 beer turned into 12 and next thing you knew it’s 7am and you’re found sleeping on his couch with crust in your eyes and morning breath. That’s a very believable story, until your credit card statement comes next month with a $42.56 charge from the Waffle House at 12:57am.

5. You don’t “own” your side piece

Don’t catch feelings. Don’t get jealous. Don’t expect loyalty. You’re cheating and it’s a dirty game. If you see that your side piece Man Crush Monday is Andre that works at the Auto Zone on MLK you just got to keep on scrolling. If you happen to run into your side piece out on a date you got to act like you didn’t even see her. Don’t send that “WYD” text. Don’t be that guy. Your time together is your time together and your time apart is your time apart.

6. Don’t give all your free time to the side piece

Slipping away every chance you can, will get you caught. Canceled 3 of the last 4 date nights so you could be out in the streets with your sideline joint and your girl will notice. If you’re a “get off at 5pm and pressing the elevator button at 4:59pm” type of person you can’t suddenly become Mr. Company Man and start “working late” 3 nights a week. When the “Why don’t we go out anymore?” and the “How come you’re always working now?” questions come the shit is moments away from hitting the fan.  If you can’t stand being around your significant other that much it’s time to break up and just be free. Your side piece is a vacation home and should be treated as that; take your ass home sometimes.

7. No Pictures

As a child I learned never to take pictures with guns, drugs or side bitches. 25 years later it’s still valid. Don’t let her take no selfies in your car even if you’re not in the picture; remember your son’s car seat is. Matters of fact don’t let her take any selfies anywhere: not in your bedroom, not in your bathroom, not in your living room. Don’t even let her take pictures of her food for the Gram when you’re out with her; don’t nobody give a fuck about that jambalaya pasta from the Cheesecake Factory anyway. You don’t need a stockpile of nudes. She sent you a nude? Cool, look at it for 30 seconds then delete it. All that shit is evidence. You’re not making a memory book you’re having an affair. Be a fucking adult and stop making Kodak moments.

Now go off into the world and unfaithfully flourish
Jean DeGrate has spoken