“Everybody wants to be a nigga but nobody wants to be a nigger” – Paul Mooney.
Besides this being one of my favorite quotes when you swap the N word out with men it pretty much covers the women’s equality movement.
I’m all for women’s rights. I watched every episode of Sex in the City. I’m low key high key a feminist. True women’s equality will make life so much easier for me. I’m waiting for the moment a woman walks up to me at the bar and offers to buy me a drink only for me to consume the beverage then avoid her for the rest of the night like women have been doing to men for years. Just because you bought me a drink doesn’t not mean you own me ladies; I am a person. I am not property.
Unfortunately the women’s equality movement is really halfcocked because the fairer sex isn’t really about that life. I mean women only want the highlights of equality; the equal pay, abortion rights and all that other dope shit. I believe women should have it all but if you’re my equal you’re now a bro and you can’t treat a bro like a lady; them the rules. After all being equals means having the same privileges, rights, status and opportunities as others and if we’re the same get ready to be treated the same.
Woman beating is a dead topic
I don’t hit women. Even though it’s been a few times in my life I had to call on God to give me the strength to not smack a fucking spark out of a vagina owner. Matter of fact I’m about 5 minutes into episode 2 of Netflix’s “Ozark” and it gave me a top notch reason to beat the lead woman’s ass. (Great show by the way: you should be watching this.) The truth is women do things often that if they owned a penis they probably would have been punched in the face a handful of times in their lifetime (and of course some way more than others). Are you ready to get hit with the old one two? Are you ready to smack a man for being disrespectful and see that haymaker coming back your way? Probably not; because that would cause a fundamental revision of attitude and privilege.
Going Dutch FOREVER and splitting these bills
From the first date to the last date when that check comes get ready to fire up that calculator app because it’s going to be some addition and multiplication to be done. I hope you know those pineapple Ciroc and tonics you’ve been tossing back are $12 a pop. This brings a new definition to the term “there’s no such thing a free meal”. Going half or taking EQUAL turns on paying for outings might make Netflix and Chill a whole lot more appealing because your half of a $200 date is still $100. Dinner, movies and drinks on a Saturday night can run about $300 easy so $150 per date night is more realistic. Then we get around to co-habitation the game really gets fair. Looking for a provider, a savior, a sponsor? Looking for a man to be a man? Kiss all that shit goodbye. Welcome to new age of being roommates with benefits and carrying your own weight. When asked what is being bought to the table that answer is half. Half on the rent, half on the groceries, half on the cable, half on utilities and half on everything else going under that roof. Half. Half. Motherfucking half. On the bright side your equal pay should ease those financial woes. Yeah equality.
Chivalry is over
Chivalry is already on life support as far as most women are concern because they expect this old west style of hat tipping “howdy little lady” laying a jacket over a puddle for a woman to step on type of chivalry. The chivalry that does exist is the holding the door, giving up a seat on public transportation, carrying the groceries and the offering a helping hand when you’re stuck on the side of the road with the hood up chivalry. Equality puts an end to all of that. Get your own door, mow your own lawn, pump your own gas and forget all those courtesy extended to you by strangers because you’re of the opposite sex.
You know that thing that men have to sign up for within 30 days of turning 18 so we can be eligible to be drafted into war? Failure to register can cost a guy the possibility of government employment, 250k and up to 5 years in prison. Donny Trump is office and making new international enemies every day. There hasn’t been a draft in quite some time but with 7 months of Trump in the driver's seat I’m waiting for on some foreign power to bomb first (with the exclusion of Russia of course). Are you down to be drafted into Trump’s war for equality?
You ain’t really about this equality life
Jean DeGrate has spoken