The Day My Man Didn't Show Up To the Party

...and by "my man" I mean my penis

...and by "the party" I mean sex

In my time I've successfully friend zoned a few women some post cheeks but mostly pre-cheeks. This blog is in reference to a woman who went ended up in the friend zone against her will and pre-cheeks. Why you friend zone her you ask? She was cool as ice water but her body did zilch for me like nothing at all. Well anyway on with the story...

She was an opportune homie hook-up
Let's call her Cheryl. Her usefulness came at the perfect time because as I was adding her into rotation the girl who was damn near my girlfriend was moving away (Sheds thug tears). Welp. I knew I would need her and a couple others to fill the void that was being left behind. Man shorty stepped all the way up she was scooping up from the office after working crazy hours with food in hand because she knew I wasn't eating on the clock. Sometimes she'd drop me off at home sometimes she take me to her crib and once I hit that door... comatose every single time. I wasn't even going to pretend like I was slightly planning on fucking.

Then Cheryl got a plan
For a smooth 2 to 3 weeks I was able to avoid her trying to put the moves on me and as I kept hitting her with the same ole two-step she got hip then came up with a plan. One day Cheryl just kept calling me at work to asking if I was tired and did I sleep well the night before; I had no idea what she was leading to so I just kept replying I'm ok. She showed with 2 of the big cans of Red Bull. Fuck it, I guzzled them both and tried to get my mind right. After all in my mind she was more than due (men's friend zones unlike women's friend zones are often easily escapable with persistence, probably won't end in a relationship but fucking, yeah that can happen). She had reached the point where she could rightly invoke "courtesy cheeks". We got back to her place with Red Bull flowing through my veins and she was putting her laughable moves on me. I was almost ready, almost had my mind set to embark on the feat until... she started taking those clothes off. She had some B cup titties at best and her body went straight up and down it wasn't a curve in that thing; she was built like a rectangle. My man went from semi-hard to Play-Doh flaccid in 8 seconds; an entire Cialis commercial played in my head as I copped the sleepy plead one more time. A few times during the night she'd reached to see if she could fine the morning wood but there was no lumber to be found.

I'll give it another shot
In the morning I felt so bad for her. I didn't even want her to drop me off at work but I still allowed it. The next night I didn't even get up with her I got up with one of my other joints just to see if everything with me was ok. Just as I suspected everything was working just fine. I was actually backed up because I was given Cheryl so much of my clock due to her convenience (don't judge me), so I end up going for a 3peat that night. I still bad for Cheryl; she had done so much I needed to give her the stroke just so I could have a clear conscience. Then it hit; I'm going to get drunk. That drink should have me where I need to be. I've seen some of the sketchy bitches I've smashed the morning after drinking heavy. Tequila was all I needed and I cursed myself for not thinking of it earlier. She came to scoop and the first stop was liquor store. Before we could pulled out of the liquor store parking lot I was already half way thru my first drink. By the time we got to the movie theatre I was half way into the 5th of 1800 and I was lit. Throughout the movie I was taking a "maintain my buzz" shot every 30 minutes on the dot. When got back to her house I was ready to shut it down. Before I could even fully get undressed she started in with that mouth. I was ready; I could have knocked a lamp off of a coffee table. She rose up to finish getting undressed then the moonlight hit that subpar body and before I could even get the condom on I was holding a wet noodle. I tried to suck on them shitty little titties, I tried to think of more attractive women I've bedded, I even tried to hype my dick up by tugging on it, but nothing I could do in Cheryl's presence would bring him back to life. That night was the second longest night of my life; morning couldn't come fast enough. After that night I had to give shorty her space. I originally thought my penis had failed me but I really failed him by subjected him to such a situation.

JD can't be fucking for favors and shit
Jean DeGrate has spoken