Men be lying

Yup we are dishonest and I know you know this but probably not to the full extent so let me put you on game right quick.  Men lie. That’s what we do. We lie to make women feel special. We lie to give the illusion of common ground. We lie to seem better than what we are. And believe it or not none of this is malicious; well at least our intentions are not to be malicious. And this is what we lie about the most…

1. His ex

It’s rare that a man will take the blame for the deterioration of his last relationship or at the very least he’ll misconstrue the facts to justify his wrong doings. In actuality he’ll paint the image of his ex being the bad guy. It doesn’t matter if he cheated on her, beat on her and neglected her.  He’ll also paint the image of her wanting that old thing back further adding the myth that he’s a greater catch than he is.

2. Common interest

Men are the originators of being about that “me too” life they just do it in a less obvious way. Remember when Vanessa Bell-Calloway was telling Eddie Murphy “whatever food you like” and “whatever music you like” in the beginning of Coming to America? Of course you do it’s an American classic. Guys have that same energy but do it in a much smoother way. Half of his battle to winning women over is making it seem like him and the women of his interest are long lost kindred spirits. Guys ask open ended questions, discovery your interest and instantly morph into the man of her dreams. Now ya’ll read the same books, listen to the same music and eat the same foods.

3. Being treated well

Men love to act like Oliver Twist. You know the orphan born in a workhouse who never knew an act of kindness? Y’all fucking with Charles Dickens right? Anyway we love to act like motherfuckers never loved us; no Drake. We love to pretend like we’ve been mistreated and used by every woman prior to meeting the new woman.  The new woman comes along and everything she does is magic.  If she shows up to his home with a flat half empty bottle of Rock Creek grape soda he’ll act like she bought him some of the wine Jesus made at the first fish fry. If she offers to pay the tip on dinner he’ll act as if you just offered to pay off his student loans. Every small gesture, every nicety and every time she takes his empty dinner plate to the sink is a whole new experience for him. (Which in turn changes into entitlement issues down the road but that’s a different topic for a different blog.) In a nutshell we lie and make a big deal out of basic shit; you know like when you child shows some trash ass art they made.

4. The quality of your vagina and your cooking

If neither your vagina nor food is trash; I mean both just have to be ok we will act like it is the best thing we’ve ever experienced. Why you ask? Because we want you to feel special and it isn’t anything else to it.

5. His situation

Men have problems with transparency. You want us to keep in 100 and counteroffer is 87 at best. We’re going to omit shit, conveniently forget shit and straight up lie about shit. Like his baby mother is crazy and bitter but omit the fact that he made her crazy and bitter because he sold her a dream, knocked her up and turned her into a baby mother. We’ll forget to mention that we live in our homies basement instead of an actual basement apartment. We’ll forget to mention we got our Benz at auction with 193k miles on it and it’s on its last leg but we keep the rims clean. We will forgot to mention pretty much anything that will make a woman look at us sideways and potentially be a deal breaker. Then we just lie about the other shit if you back us into a corner and by in a corner I mean ask any direct questions.

We be lying and you will deal
Jean DeGrate has spoken