Disrespectful Things I’ve yet to Say Out Loud (to women)

If you know me you know that I have a knack for saying fucked up shit, it’s a gift and a curse, but I’m also known for speaking my mind (they should have never gave us niggas Twitter). Over the last few years I’ve somehow managed to go without saying a few things that even I would be like “Damn son that’s fucked up” and here are a few.

Hey There Unattractive
Every once in a while I’m faced with a truly unattractive women. I might bend a hard right or left, reading a text and suddenly look, or open a door a bit too fast and there she is standing directly in my field of vision close enough to point out every imperfection. The first thing that pops in my head is the overwhelming urge to say “Hey there Unattractive” almost as if it was a term of endearment. For the entire time she is within earshot that statement sits on the tip of my tongue waiting to jump out but I’ve fought it off this far.

How Did You Get This Job exactly (to busted strippers)?
I’ve never entered a strip-club that employed all dimes (and before you open your mouth to attempt to name one shut up because you ain’t been to one either) but needless to say some strip-clubs employee a few more unpleasant looking strippers than others. Meaning a one night stand with Maya Angelou would be a more attractive offer than sleeping with one of these busted ass strippers. I’m literally dying to walk up on one these horrid creatures and ask “how the hell did you get hired in this establishment?” Did you donate a kidney to the owners first born child? Do you have a sex tape of him and a goat? Are you secretly a part owner and doing this for kicks? I really need to know what you did on stage at your audition that made the powers that be say... “This girl right here is exactly what we need to shut the game down. You know how many other clubs are looking for borderline obese strippers with bad skin and stretch marks? She’s a fucking goldmine.”

So what look are you going for with that mustache?
Some women are hairier than others, that’s just a fact of life, but some women could get a part time job at the carnival as the bearded lady every time it comes to town. Some hairy chicks might rock that slight shadow but some chicks look like the missing member of The Whispers (Google them). Baby girl I know your grandmamma and them sold you that old Negro wise tale that if you shave or wax it, it will come back thicker well I got a cure for that shave it again. Would you rather rock a mustache 365 or just when you run out of shaving cream?

I still know how to hold my tongue a little bit
Jean DeGrate hasn’t spoken... yet