Let Me Get That Up Off You

***Shout out to Panama Jackson of VSB I stole this blog from him***

Friday I was doing my daily visit to verysmartbrothas.com and my man Panama (I can say my man because I actually know this guy reallife.com) was talking about all the things he gave to females that he wish he could get back. I got to thinking; it’s a gang of shit that I’ve doled out to chicks over the years and how much I would love to have all that shit back.

Those 8 hours of sleep I gave up fucking with you
Girl from FaceBook, which I had something like a one night stand with, (and for the duration of this section you’ll be known as FBG). FBG I thought you had something I stayed up on the phone with you until 4am like I didn’t have to go to work the next morning. The next day I was drowsy as fuck doing a half assed job and spent most of my day sneaking naps in but I was cool with it because you seemed cool as shit. That following night you went from stand up chick to part-time roller with the help of a few glasses of Patron (you’re my nigga). I’m not mad that I got the pussy easy I’m mad you hyped that mediocre pussy up and I went to work a second day sleepy as fuck again. The silver lining is, that episode made a great story to tell the homies, many laughs were had thanks to you.

My Ricky Williams authentic jersey
Phat Butt waitress/stripper from the Rogue, after 2 weeks of trying to catch up after our initial outing I finally got up with you. You came thru the house at 3am and our options were limited so I had to do what I had to do. As soon as the deed was done you asked for a T-shirt to put on but not a single T shirt in my entire wardrobe could cover that phat ole ass. The longest items of clothing in my closet were a Ricky Williams’s authentic rookie jersey and trench coat. For a hot second I almost handed her that trench. The jersey went just one inch under them ass cheeks. When the sun came up she tossed those jeans on and walked smooth out of my door with that jersey on her back. Then she moved to GA on my ass. Not that I was ever going wear that jersey again but it was my first authentic. I copped it when jerseys just started getting hot. Now she’s probably in GA cutting grass and doing house chores in my shit. FedEx me that shit if you’re reading this.

My broom, dust pan, mop, wrench, hammer and 2 60 watt light bulbs
I had this ex from when I was in senior in high school, our relationship lasted all of about 2 months but we kept fucking off and on until she started borrowing miscellaneous shit and never bought any of it back. One day out the blue she calls and...

Ex - Hey where are you?
JD - I’m in the house working out what’s good?
Ex - You got a broom and dust pan I can borrow for a few hours?
JD - I guess (clearly confused why anybody would want to borrow a broom if they lived on the other side of town)
Ex - Cool I’ll be there in 20 minutes (On that ride she had to pass at least 6 spots that sold household items)

Almost 17 minutes later she was at my door 2 minutes after that she was walking back out my door with the broom, dust pan and a mop in hand. I never even noticed she had my broom and shit until one day I had to sweep and couldn’t find it. No biggie I ran to CVS and bought a new one. About 3 weeks later I get another call from her asking for a hammer, wrench and screwdrivers. She comes thru gets the hammer and wrench then rolls out. The very next day she calls for the light bulbs gets them and dips then just as she’s walking out my man Slick is walking up and says to her “You finally bringing that broom back huh”. She ignores the shit out of that man and keeps it moving. I called her cell on the spot to ask about my broom and shit and all she had to say was “Why you acting all petty over a fucking broom?” I had to cancel her on the spot she was stocking her house with my shit like I was her personal Free Home Depot. That mop she got off me was tight as shit it had a little ringer thing at the bottom of the mop so you didn’t have to stick your hands in the water.

Hey ladies if you out there hit me on FB I need that up off you
Jean DeGrate has spoken