I'm very pro women dating squares. I mean they are the best type of guys. It’s too many of you good women entertaining these Future ass nigga and you need to be fucking with a Russell Wilson type of guy. Future is going to be super fun but he ain’t going to treat you like a queen and when shit gets bad he’s going to sneak diss you on Instagram. Russell Wilson would never do anything like that and he’s going to accept you and your kids as a package deal.
Now I know a lot of you women having been ignoring Squares for so long that you would recognize one if held the door for you at Starbucks then paid for your coffee because it was just a nice thing to do. So I cooked up this little list so you good women folk could be able to better identify the potential Square gentleman callers.
1. He might be a square if he’s a “real” hip hop head
Nine out of ten squares are huge fans of baggy jeans early 90’s era rap. Then think all new rappers are trash with the exclusion of J. Cole, Kendrick Lamar and some arbitrary underground rappers you’ve never ever heard of. None of that Lil Uzi Vert bullshit will never get any play in his ride and if happens to come on the radio he’ll act as if someone was pouring acid in his ear.
2. He might be a square if he refuses to buy “expensive” sneakers
A square spend in excess of $300 on a pair of dress shoes that he might wear 4 times a year and won’t think twice about it. He’d rather wear a pair of “What are those” before he ever folks over a dollar to Michael Jordan, Lebron James or whatever other popular guy is dribbling a basketball for millions of dollars.
3. He might be a square if he’s had the same haircut for years
Squares don’t change their look without damn good reason (normally that reason is a receding hairline). They are creatures of habit and with that said if he got a low cut Caesar with a neck fade on his last barber shop visit chances are that’s the same haircut he gotten on his last 200 visits before.
4. He might be a square if he works on his own car and home
If nothing else squares are handy as fuck. Well beyond changing the oil and changing a flat tire. He can put in an alternator, change the exhaust pipes, and plug the holes in the radiator all with a wench set. They know him by name at Home Depot. He replaced his own water heater as a weekend project and as I’m writing this blog he’s probably thinking of redoing his kitchen and looking at cabinet replacements.
5. He might be a square if he wears his home ownership as a badge of honor
Squares love to tell you about their ownership of property and how important it is. They’ll randomly sprinkle it in conversation like…
“I swear it’s no decent restaurants around here”
“Yeah I know, that’s why I bought my house near the National Harbor so I could be close to good food.”
He’ll always remind of the perks of owning a home like tax deductions and the ever increasing property value.
6. He might be a square if he’s somewhat pro-black
Squares are always quasi pro-black. He’ll share that silly ass slaves being sold on Black Friday meme but he’ll be in line outside of Walmart at 11p on Thanksgiving Day trying to cop a 60 inch flat screen. (After all Jamal and them aren’t selling Samsung curved TV’s at %50 off.) He’ll support black business as long as he doesn’t have to go out of his way to do it. He talks about how racist America is but he’s a Redskin fan.
7. He might be a square if he’s a techy
Squares are normally finance savvy until it comes to their love of gadgets especially non-practical gadgets. He has a drone that’s collecting dust. He has a remote control the size of an iPad with a touch screen display that control everything in his house. He’s probably the only person still using the Siri feature on his iPhone and he was the first guy with Fire Stick with Kodi on it.
8. He might be a square if he refuses to wear slim fit pants and jeans
He needs space in his pants pockets for his cell phone, wallet, car keys, that mini orange New Testament only bible, a deck of cards, a 20 oz soda, a rolled up magazine and up to 7 dollars in loose change. The idea of joggers burdens his soul and reminisces over the days when he could buy a pair of regular sweatpants from Macy’s. He’s a dad jean aficionado and if his dress pants don’t fit like they’re fresh out of the Steve Harvey collection they’re not for him.
I just gave you the tools to recognize the square of your dreams ladies; happy hunting
Jean DeGrate has spoken
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