What your ex owes you?

*** This excludes exes that are actually cool with each other or have kids together. And, let’s be clear, if you haven’t amicably spoken to your ex out of your own free will (not because he cornered you in Whole Foods when you were waiting in line at the deli) in the last 6 months, you’re not cool. ***
 
This really could be the shortest blog ever because your ex actually owes you…*wait for it*… not a motherfucking thing… well except that “it burns when I pee you might want to go see a doctor” call. I guess that concept is crazy to some folks since a lot us have some entitlement issues. Here is my brief list of things people expect post break-up.
 
Closure
The entire concept of closure is crazy. People want a face-to-face sit down to hear why the other person no longer wants to be with you. My personal take is they don’t want you so they are leaving the situation, case closed. Nobody owes anybody an explanation; it isn’t like your time together will go on a relationship resume and perspective mates will Google it and decide accordingly. “Oh I dated this chick; she has bad break up protocol; she ended her last two relationships via text, and the one before that she just stopped taking dude calls then blocked him on FaceBook.” That will never happen. I know some folks are going be like “that’s just common courtesy”, but common courtesy is holding the door for the person directly behind you, not having a drawn out conversation with a person you no longer want to be in your life. Nope, that’s just awkward.  What’s a polite way to say, “You make me sick, and I don’t want to know you anymore, but let’s pretend to be friends”?
 
Not Fucking/Dating your friends
If your ex fucks one of your homies, you can only be mad at one person… your homie. How can you really be mad at somebody who’s not a part of your life to pass out up on some sex and possibly more just because they hangout with you? That’s kind of selfish and overbearing to believe that you can control somebody’s sex life that you don’t even speak to. Let that man live, but your homie, on the other hand, that’s something you two might have to sort out. Trust me, if any of my exes are reading this, and we don’t even speak anyone one of your fuckable homies is fair game. Hi Kaysha, this is Jean, Jewel’s old boyfriend, if you look anything like you did in the 12th grade, hit me up I’m on FaceBook. Yup, Retro Thirst… I’m quenching it for the world to see.
 
Acknowledging your presence in public
I personally haven’t had many girlfriends, but I’ve dated enough girls to absolutely dread the “random bump into each, let’s catch up and how you been” conversation. I haven’t seen nor spoken to you in the last 5 years; please don’t run up on me in public like you have been looking for me in day time with a flashlight. I swear to sweet baby Jesus, I’m going to tell you get the fuck on like homeless man begging for change. We don’t know each other anymore so just because my penis was in your mouth once upon a time, don’t think I owe you 5 to 10 minutes of fake conversation. I’m extremely Google friendly, and my cell phone number hasn’t changed in over 10 years, you could have found me. I’m also pretty sure if I was interested I could have found you too… message. If you see me in the streets, and we make eye contact (and ONLY if we make eye contact… Don’t go screaming my name across shopping malls and shit) toss me the head nod. I’ll toss one back in your direction then keep it pushing.
 
Honorable mentions that don’t really deserve any explanations
Accepting FaceBook friend request
Following back on Twitter
Happy holiday/ birthday text and/or emails
Returning any phone calls or replying to any other forms of communication
And my personal favorite; doing any sorts of favors i.e. No I won’t hand your resume off to my boss; why on God’s green Earth would I want to work with you.
 
Think of your ex like a car you sold; once you let it go you lost all the perks.
Jean DeGrate has spoken