Last week on Black Twitter (since Black Twitter, which is primarily made up of poor people, is always debating about some money shit) folks were all in an uproar about men paying all the bills or at least a lion's share of the bills. Most of these claims were made by women who look like they weren't used to having shit anyway (ole' Sophie from The Color Purple looking ass bitches but out of the goodness of my heart I allowed them to cook). Anyway it got me to thinking what would I require in return to completely finance a household that I wasn't the only member of.
Off top... providing pussy, occasionally pushing a mop, sweeping a floor and making a meal does NOT make you a household asset. Contrary to popular belief pussy (yes, even your pussy) isn't like an oasis in the middle of a desert; truth be told the market is over saturated with easy access vagina and the stock value has nose-dived. I've lived for years (and by years I mean all my life) without a maid or personal chef and I'm just fine but my cable went out once in a snow storm and I almost lost my mind. I can clean and cook for myself but I can't entertain myself like the good people at Comcast can. Needless to say I will choose my TV over a maid/chef.
No lip
There will be no lip. I don't want to hear your fucking mouth about a muthafucking thing. TV too loud and you're trying to sleep. Why the fuck would I care I'm the only one paying bills around here. If you're taking a shower and I come in the bathroom chuck the meanest deuce, flush the toilet then leave it would be in your best interest to hold your breathe and wait until the warm cools back down again. If I'm sitting on the couch Indian style ass naked on a Sunday morning watching porn with the volume all the way up if you're going to say something you better be checking to see it I need anything. "Baby, you want some juice, lotion, wet wipes, mouf or anything?"
Sex on demand
Foreplay is optional and by optional I mean it's my option. You want to get in the mood just go look at last months utility bills. You should get wet just thinking of all the money you saved. I should be able to walk up on you all disrespectful like and rub my dick across your forehead and from there you know what to do.
Dress me
Not that lay my clothes out in the morning dumb shit I'm perfectly capable of that. I actually want you to dress me. I will lay across the bed lifelessly while you put on my socks, pants, shirt, so on and so forth. I'm 200lbs you might need to be in shape for that.
Requests due to change
Outside of my child I've never had anybody rely on me for survival so who knows all the wild shit I might dream up for the grown woman I don't owe shit to. I might be getting bathed Eddie Murphy style from Coming to America. Time, opportunity and woman looking for a free ride are a dangerous combination for an asshole such as myself.
What are you willing to do to go rent free?
Jean DeGrate is asking
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