There’re certain times when I can see good reason to not to talk to a woman without knowing shit about her really. These are some of the red flags that scream, “JD just go the other way.”
1. She has a FaceBook photo album dedicated to her favorite female celebrity
This says, “Jean although you don’t know me, I have stalker tendencies. Just like I’ve searched the internet for pictures of her, I’ll Google your name to find every bit of info on you. I’ll attempt to befriend your friends and implant myself in every aspect of your life. When we do breakup, I’ll probably slash your tires and throw a brick through your windshield or pretend to be pregnant to keep you around.”
2. All of her favorite movies are Tyler Perry movies
Normally, if a chick is all into Tyler Perry flicks, she’s either an undercover man hater or delusional about what she expects out of a relationship.
3. She has on Blac Label, Baby Phat, Apple Bottom, or any of those urban brands
Unless she’s doing laundry, in the grocery store, or lounging around the house, there’s no good reason why any grown ass woman should be wearing clothes with the brand imprinted on them. Somehow, it speaks to her level of maturity. She may be 30, but her outfit says, “I’m 16, and my mommy still does the majority of my shopping.”
4. She watches large amounts of reality TV
This doesn’t really say anything bad about her, but you got to be a strong brother to sit back and dedicate your Sunday nights to “Brandy and Ray J,” “What Chili Wants,” “RHOA,” and “Basketball Wives.” (Side note: Has anybody noticed that half these broads ain’t even married? There’re all shows about jump-offs, girlfriends, and single chicks. That’s 2 hours of watching nothing but a bunch of washed-up bitter bitches.)
5. She has 3 or more kids, all by different dudes
Yeah, I know the excuse: sometimes that’s just the way of life. You fall in love; have a baby; then fall out of love; then repeat the process 2 more times. None for me… Thanks.
6. She’s extraordinarily flirty
You ever met a chick that pushes up on you so hard within the first 20 minutes of knowing her, it seems like if you whip your dick out right then and there she would hop right on it. Oh… that’s never happened to you? Sorry about that. Anyway… when it does happen to me, I immediately start planning my departure.
7. She approaches you then asks you to buy her a drink
I can’t begin to count the amount of times I’ve been standing at the bar drinking my Moet out of the bottle, and a chick rolls up on me to say, “You should buy me a drink.” Every time I’m hit with that, it floors me. You would think I was at a Kevin Hart show when I start laughing. My response is always the same, once I regain my composure and wipe the tears from my eyes: “For what?” If you can walk up on a stranger and just start requesting shit, chances are that pussy is for sale, and I’m not buying.
8. She has no back pockets on her jeans
I know this “jegging” trend is all the rave right now. (Not to mention, they make almost any slim chick look Amber Rose phat.) Although women rarely put anything in their pockets anyway, there’s something about the absence of them that just screams, “I’m really broke, and my idea of a fancy restaurant is Ruby Tuesdays.” This could just be a fucked up stereotype, but that’s just how I feel.
9. Her hair is a color that couldn’t possibly have grown out of a human head
If you have braids and 7 of them just happen to be orange, we don’t have any business knowing each other. If your highlights are purple or fire engine red, my first comment to you will probably be, “I didn’t know people were still dying their hair with Kool-Aid,” right before I walk away.
Some of this might seem crazy to you, but it all makes perfect sense to me
Jean DeGrate has spoken
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