Thursday, January 6, 2011

She Fine but Only in Her Mind

There’s a chick in my office who thinks she looks like just Amber Rose, and she will say it to your face. Funny thing is… she would if Amber was 15 years older, unattractive in the face, skinny and built like a number 2 pencil, had poorly aging skin, and dressed like she ran through the closet and put on everything she touched. Yeah, the woman in question is uber light, and yes, her hair is cut low and bleached blonde. But, that doesn’t make her Amber Rose just like an iced-out grill, skinny jeans, and facial tattoos won’t make me Lil’ Wayne.

I said all that to say… some women are extremely delusional when it comes down to their own appearances. I blame this on Adobe Photoshop, camera phones, Black Planet, FaceBook, MySpace, Twitpics, dudes fucking subpar chicks (ok, I can take a little blame here, but that’s another blog), and most unattractive people being able to fight well. (Fact: Most ugly motherfuckers can throw those hands. Just think about it; who would you break bad with first: a Rick Fox look-a-like or an Omar from “The Wire” looking-ass-nigga? My money is on Omar.)

I put chicks in 5 categories (Side note: please don’t ask me to rate you; you might fuck around and get your feelings hurt)…

(1) Fine: Pretty much self-explanatory, but I’ll still elaborate. Flip to the “Eye Candy” section of double XXL. This female normally hits all the checkpoints to make the fine criteria: cute face, great body, nice hair, good skin, etc… Pretty much a girl that looks good enough to make a nigga run across 4 lanes of traffic during rush hour to try to holler.

(2) Nice: This is the chick that’s not hitting all the fine checkpoints. She’s not exactly “Eye Candy” material, but more than good looking enough to be seen in public without any backlash or somebody thinking her male suitor has low self-esteem.

(3) At least (Alise): This is the girl you look at and say well, “At least she’s cute.” or “At least she got a phat ass (or just any feature that might balance out her imperfections).”

(4) Maybe (Maybe Baby): These are the chicks whose winning feature or features can’t quite be pointed out they aren’t quite yet hideous, but they aren’t easy on the eyes either. When you look at them with a man on their arm, you say, “Maybe they’re just friends,” or “Maybe she just had a kid,” or “Maybe got some bomb head” or “Maybe he just like big girls”. You’ll find yourself just reaching for reasons why.

(5) And… finally the Must Have (Busted Baby): This chick is clearly busted… meaning no highlights, just all rough terrain. This is the type of chick that tells you she has 2 kids, and you say, “How?” You’ll try to think of a smooth way to get her to show you a picture of her babies’ father(s). This is the “She must have some bomb credit,” or “She must have taken care of this nigga when he was in jail,” or “She must have some serious dirt on him” type-of chick. Somehow… someway… she must have something that you can’t just see from the outside looking in. Even talking to this chick over the phone is a no go.

On the real, 90% of the time, the Must Haves and the Maybes are the ones with super duper confidence, and these delusional bitches are all around us. It’s the chick with the two liter body standing in front of you at CVS talking on her cell (but really talking for the world to hear) saying, “That nigga will never get a girl on my level again,” and even though you’re thinking, “Yeah he can only go up from there,” you can hear the conviction in her voice. This busted bitch is dead fucking serious. There’s a lot of nickels running around here claiming to be dimes with egos that make Kanye West seem humble.

I think I’m going to start a busted bitch task force.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

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