Tuesday, July 12, 2011

You Might Be a Simp If...

Simping (via the Jean DeGrate dictionary) – the act of saving hoes and exhibiting characteristics of extreme Thirst; catering to the needs of females who really couldn't give two fucks about you (and vice versa for the opposite sex because women are Simps too)

There seems to be a shitload of confusion when it comes to what “simping” actually is. I guess we can all blame pop culture for blurring the definition; just look at what they did with the terms "Pimp" and "G". I see simping everyday, even from niggas who THINK they are in fact “pimping”… It seems as though this definition needs clarification being that simping is so vast. I know you probably think you’re just off your nice guy shit, but it's truly amazing how much ground simping actually covers. Here are just a few brief examples...

Dot.com Simping
Are you Mr. Direct Message anything halfway decent looking on Twitter? Is a cute avi all you need to start following a chick no matter what she's talking about?  Have you ever tweeted anything like: "What do you have a taste for? RT @KeishaSoDamnFly I really wish somebody would bring me lunch."? Does your Twitter/FaceBook friend list look like 6 issues of Smooth magazine? Have you been tagged in pictures of Jordans, Christian Louboutins, and every type of footwear in-between? Do you go thru the friend lists of good-looking women you've already befriended looking for more good-looking women? Do you consider Twitter/FaceBook free versions of Match.com? Do you still reply to your BlackPlanet messages? If the answer to any ONE of these questions is “yes”, then you sir are a Simp, and you suffer from extreme Thirst.

Office Simping
Are you the first guy to buy something from Ms. Phat Ass's fundraiser for her kids? You're allergic to chocolate, but you'll gladly buy 10 of those candy bars. Do you email/call the better-looking women on your floor when you're about to make a lunch run? Do you cover lunch when Ms. Phat Ass doesn't have any cash? We all know she's raising those kids alone; it's only right that you step up and save her… right? WRONG! Do the ladies in your office leave home without eating breakfast because they know you, Mr. Breakfast, will surely be walking in with pastries and coffee? If the answer to any ONE of these questions is “yes”, then you sir are a Simp, and you suffer from extreme Thirst.

Regular life
Do you often come to the aid of women you don't know or barely know? Have you ever bought a round of drinks for the friends of the woman you were interested in getting at in the club? Have you ever given up your seat for a perfectly able bodied woman? Have you ever done something for a woman that you are ashamed to tell your friends about? Has a woman ever invited you over just to talk, and you actually went? Has a woman you find attractive (i.e. you’ve been dying to get them cheeks) ever referred to you are her brother, but you don't share any relation whatsoever?  Do you have more than 3 female friends that you wish were something more, and you've never slept with any of their friends? Again… are you Mr. Breakfast?… I’m talking homemade French toast, eggs over easy with organic cheese, and Moet mimosas. Fuck it, if hop out the bed to make a bitch you’re just fucking a boiled egg in the morning, then not only are you a Simp, you're also a hero, and the next vacancy in the Justice League has your name on it.

If you’re feeling like a Simp after reading this… remember there is a cure…  *hands out free water bottles*
Jean DeGrate has spoken

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