How to Cancel That Nigga

“It’s rules to this shit. I wrote me a manual.” – Biggie “The 10 Crack Commandments”

Women have a nasty habit of letting a dude hang around way… way… way after the relationship has died. For example, I know chicks that still pick up the phone for dudes they can’t stand (or at least they claim they can’t stand). I know chicks in relationships with dudes they hate, like that “consider fucking his best friends” or “suffocating him in his sleep” type of hate, but still hang in there off some Sam Cooke shit… but a change ain’t coming. I’m kind of an expert on this cancellation shit. (Please refer back to my “Perks of Being a Prick” blog.) So since most women seem incapable of cancelling niggas on their own, here’s the Jean DeGrate guide to cancelling that nigga…

Step 1: Keep track of the dumb shit

Chances are this isn’t the first time you’ve wanted to tell that nigga to kick rocks, but women have a funny kind of memory; it’s like when they are happy with a dude, they forget all the shit they were previously unhappy about. So I need you to write down all the reasons you want him to be gone. Don’t forget about the time he got those parking tickets on your car that he never told you about only for you to walk out of the nail shop to find a boot on your car. And, don’t forget his “play sister” from FB was sending all those freaked out pics to his cell during booty call hours for like a month last summer. Oh, and don’t let it slip your mind that he had dinner with his ex twice when he told you he was working late, and if wasn’t for Keisha sitting at the bar, you wouldn’t have ever known. All of a sudden when some new dumb shit comes out, it’s a deal breaker as if all those things in the past weren’t. If you keep track of the dumb shit, “enough” will be “enough” much sooner.  You wouldn’t even have to wait until the lease is up because you would have never moved in with the fool to start with.

Step 2: Delete, Delete, Delete… then BLOCK

“Out of sight… out of mind” really works. Delete him from your contacts. I know what you’re thinking, but no, it doesn’t matter if you have his home, work, and cell numbers and email addresses memorized. Delete it all the same. If you don’t see it when you’re scrolling thru your contacts, there will be less of a temptation to call him up. I know how you women do when you all just sit there looking at his number while debating to hit the send button or not. Block his number as well; with the help of Android software and multiple apps, you can even send his number straight to voicemail without even knowing he called. Delete and block him from FB, Twitter, Google+, MySpace, and even BlackPlanet. (I don’t care if you don’t log onto MySpace or BlackPlanet anymore; make the special trip to delete his ass.) Block all of his email addresses, even the one that he set up just for party promotion spam because a desperate nigga will start pulling out all the tricks to contact you once he’s cancelled. Delete and block his mother’s numbers, his sister’s numbers, and everybody else’s number you saved when you were trying to slide yourself into his circle of friends and family. Delete all of his text messages, even those really sweet ones that you look at from time to time before you go to bed just to make yourself smile. Delete all of his old emails; even delete the ones you sent him. Discard the contents of his drawer at your house; his boxers, socks, and T-shirts all need to go. If it makes you feel better, take yourself on a shopping spree just to fill up that empty drawer with your own shit. Delete all of his pics from your FaceBook, in your digital camera, and in your cell phone. This is probably the hardest set of instructions to follow. If you leave any one of these things undone, it will probably come back to haunt you in the future. You don’t need to be randomly searching for a work email and stumble across the “I love Mario” folder in Outlook three months from now. I know it seems harmless, but 89% of rekindled flames are sparked that exact way (real talk 89% is a made up number, but it sounds good and I know of enough cases to justify it).

Step 3: Go find something do with yourself

There’s nothing like a break-up to truly let you know how much time you spent with your ex. It almost seems as if days get way longer. In order for this cancellation to work, you will need to start filling up that void quickly. The best way to keep somebody off your mind is to keep yourself occupied. Hit the gym, and if you already hit the gym today, hit the gym again…harder. Get a hobby. Take an online class or two. Go on some dates. I’m very pro “single chicks dating even if they don’t really care for the dude.” Fuck it... Fake it. You bitches be faking whole orgasms, but can’t fake a genuine conversation to get free dinners, movies, and drinks. Shit; if chicks were asking me out and footing the bill, I’d be on a date every single night. Since that’s the case for females, now that you are freshly single, it’s time to capitalize on it. And, on the bright side of things, you might even find a decent replacement, and get your lonely ass some dick.

Step 4: Ignore, Ignore, Ignore

I’ve personally witnessed The Thirst of dudes that wanted that old thing back. They call back to back to back, leave 5 minute long messages, then wait 15 minutes, and leave another one. Don’t even let those voicemails get any airtime; delete it the second it starts to play.  Thirsty niggas be leaving, “Baby, please come back to me,” notes on windshields. Thirsty niggas be calling their ex’s parents, friends, and siblings pleading their case for reconciliation.  You’ve got to ignore all that shit. When he calls from a number you don’t know, the second you hear his voice, hang up, and add that number to the blocked list. The second you give him a chance to start back up communications with you is the second he’ll start to work his way back into your life.

Your relationship is fucked up and shit almost certainly won’t get better. With these 4 easy steps, get out while you can.
Jean DeGrate has spoken