Wednesday, July 20, 2011

5 Instant Red Flags

The following list contains things about women that should signify immediate warning signs… and by “warning sign,” I mean, “As soon as you notice any of these things… leave that bitch alone.” (For my female readers, I can only assume most of these things are equally true about men.) 

1. She doesn't do FaceBook, Twitter, BlackPlanet, MySpace, Google+ (or the internet period)

When you Google that bitch’s name, the only thing that Larry Page (CEO of Google) responds with are “find your old classmate” ads. It’s almost like the bitch doesn’t exist. I know a lot of people that don't do social sites. 90% of them are criminals, players, pimps, hoes, shady individuals, and women with stalkers on the witness protection services level. I know some of you might think the dot.com thugs that we all know and love fit into this category, but I put those guys in same category with the dudes who take pictures with drugs, money, and guns…  Yeah, I can't take them seriously either. Honestly, if you won't even do a Monster.com profile, there has to be something gravely wrong with you, and I'm not going to stick around to find out what it might be. Last thing I need is a Mexican gun squad kicking in my door looking for you because your father stole 11 kilos back in in 88, and you just happened to be in a picture I was tagged in on FaceBook.

2. Her phone is always silent and facedown

My phone is always facedown; even when I'm at home alone, my phone is facedown. Why? Because, I have dealings with a couple of freelance freak joints. With that said, I don't know what will pop up on that screen at any given moment. Just last week I got a text from a number I don't even know, which read, "I wanna suck your dick right now." I didn't even respond, but when I saw it, I paused for a second; my daughter looked over my shoulder to see what I was looking at, and I moved the phone. She can't read yet, but hey kids these days catch on quickly; I'm not taking any chances. Now, just imagine if any girl was sitting next to my phone when that popped up; whether the girl is Ms. New Pussy or Mrs. Jean DeGrate, shit would definitely go left. At the very least, you can cancel the cheeks you thought you were about to get, and on the worst end, she could go full out psycho, and the police might have to get involved. With knowledge of the type of text messages that are liable to pop up on my phone at any given time, I'm not down to see what a female might be hiding behind her facedown iPhone that never rings aloud.

 
3. She never answers the phone, but always calls back

You ever call a chick and it goes to voicemail every single time you dial her number; no matter what time of day or night, you're going to hear that, "You have reached..." But, 5 to 10 minutes later, her number is flashing across your cell phone screen. “Oh did you just call me?” is the first thing she says as if it’s not obvious she is screening your calls. Chances are (1) she has a boyfriend so your number is blocked entirely, and she calls back ONLY if she’s not in his presence or (2) 5-10 minutes ago she was doing something (i.e. fucking) that made it impossible to pick up the phone. Almost makes you want to say, "What the fuck you been doing?" but since I just explained what she was doing, there is no need to ask… either accept the fact that you’re her side dick or leave that bitch alone.

4. She sent you a naked picture prior to you getting them cheeks

There is nothing cooler and equally puzzling than waking up to an ass shot from Ms. I've-Yet-To-Smash sitting in your text inbox. You might think you're special… Sorry dude; you're not. Chances are your homie from uptown got the same text message this morning. She has a catalog of naked pictures sitting on standby and issues them out like fliers after the club. I’m not talking about these pseudo professional shots from the dot.com model. I’m talking the bent over, playing in her pussy, taken in the bathroom mirror, Amber Rose amateur shot. You may ask yourself what made her send you the picture. The answer is simple: she's a hoe sir. Yes, a hoe (a whore, a roller, a slut), and you've officially been warned.

5. She shares her "deepest darkest secrets" way too soon

You met her last week, and without going on one date, you know damn near everything about her. You know that her Uncle Junebug is really her brother, but her mother had him when she was super young so her grandmother raised him. You can't quite remember how she worked that tidbit of information into the conversation, but you know it all the same. You know that her first boyfriend from the 8th grade got some head with her former best friend when they were in college, and she still feels a little betrayed. Now, you also know she’s crazy because any woman who openly over-shares things, which she should really only be sharing with her psychologist, is typically insane. Run. Fast.

You might want to save this list in your smartphone for quick reference purposes
DeGrate has spoken

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