Everybody is a fucking model
Just because you took some half-naked pictures and posted them on FaceBook or some folks retweeted you on #TittyTuesday, doesn’t make you a model. It makes you a nothing ass chick, with decent ass and titties, who has the time to partake in random bathroom photo shoots. Trust and believe; those blotchy ass cell phone pictures will not earn you a spot on “America’s Next Top Model”. I'm sorry pumpkin; that's just the way it is. Even you chicks with the halfway professional photos (you know this ones your cousin’s friend’s boyfriend took with his Kodak digital camera?) don’t have a chance. Yeah, I see you. I might even like your picture or throw you a twitter compliment, but you’re still not a fucking model. Please don’t let these thirsty niggas have you thinking you’re something when you’re not.
Body part profile pictures
A headshot from a funny angle (slightly to the left, with your head tilted, and your cell phone adjusted to 32.5 degrees), or a picture of only your ass or titties… with no full body shots only tells me one thing: you're probably busted and very attention deprived. I could be wrong, but I'll take my chances. You won't trick me.
Preaching rollers on FB and Twitter
Yesterday, a half naked chick got retweeted on my timeline saying, “God only gives you what you ask for so be careful what you ask for.” What bible scripture is that? It might be right under, “Only God can judge me,” in the book of Thug verse Ak-47. Even worse are the bitches who stay tweeting about sucking dick Mon – Sat, but switch to tweeting from church on Sundays talking about “Awesome sermon. Pastor Joe just inspired me with the word.” Stop it 5! I don’t want to see any positivity out of you whore-ish bitches; just stick to showing your private parts on the internet. That’s what we follow and befriend you for anyhow.
Busted ass bodies in bikinis
If you’re an Ashley Steward shopper, please don't put that Monique-esque body in anything Victoria’s Secret and post it all over FB and Twitter. Victoria might sell you a 44DD, but I guarantee she wanted you to keep that secret to yourself. You have no right to unleash that shit on the world. If that stomach is not quite flat or the stretch marks aren't as faded as you hoped, stay off the beach, and if that isn’t possible, throw a cover-up on that bitch. I’m just saying, overweight chicks should know their limitations. Two words; one piece.
Folks getting tagged in pictures of fake Nikes and Louboutins
This is all a direct result of The Thirst. Every third person in your friends list is a pretty chick posing with her ass poked out wearing lace boy shorts. You know you don’t know those bitches, but their pictures were so nice, you just had to send her a friend request. Newsflash: These bitches are not real! You’d think you’d get hip after you got tagged in the first picture of hot pink Jordan pumps. But no, even the coons I grew up with often let The Thirst overpower good judgment in search of dot.com pussy, and now my FB News Feed looks like a page out of an Eastbay catalog.
If I offended you, I probably meant to. Stop the Dot.com foolishness
Jean DeGrate has spoken
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