Eight Signs He Might Be a Square

I'm very pro women dating squares. I mean they are the best type of guys. It’s too many of you good women entertaining these Future ass nigga and you need to be fucking with a Russell Wilson type of guy. Future is going to be super fun but he ain’t going to treat you like a queen and when shit gets bad he’s going to sneak diss you on Instagram. Russell Wilson would never do anything like that and he’s going to accept you and your kids as a package deal.

Now I know a lot of you women having been ignoring Squares for so long that you would recognize one if held the door for you at Starbucks then paid for your coffee because it was just a nice thing to do. So I cooked up this little list so you good women folk could be able to better identify the potential Square gentleman callers.

1. He might be a square if he’s a “real” hip hop head
Nine out of ten squares are huge fans of baggy jeans early 90’s era rap. Then think all new rappers are trash with the exclusion of J. Cole, Kendrick Lamar and some arbitrary underground rappers you’ve never ever heard of. None of that Lil Uzi Vert bullshit will never get any play in his ride and if happens to come on the radio he’ll act as if someone was pouring acid in his ear.

2. He might be a square if he refuses to buy “expensive” sneakers
A square spend in excess of $300 on a pair of dress shoes that he might wear 4 times a year and won’t think twice about it. He’d rather wear a pair of “What are those” before he ever folks over a dollar to Michael Jordan, Lebron James or whatever other popular guy is dribbling a basketball for millions of dollars.

3. He might be a square if he’s had the same haircut for years
Squares don’t change their look without damn good reason (normally that reason is a receding hairline). They are creatures of habit and with that said if he got a low cut Caesar with a neck fade on his last barber shop visit chances are that’s the same haircut he gotten on his last 200 visits before.

4. He might be a square if he works on his own car and home
If nothing else squares are handy as fuck. Well beyond changing the oil and changing a flat tire. He can put in an alternator, change the exhaust pipes, and plug the holes in the radiator all with a wench set. They know him by name at Home Depot. He replaced his own water heater as a weekend project and as I’m writing this blog he’s probably thinking of redoing his kitchen and looking at cabinet replacements.

5. He might be a square if he wears his home ownership as a badge of honor
Squares love to tell you about their ownership of property and how important it is. They’ll randomly sprinkle it in conversation like…
“I swear it’s no decent restaurants around here”
“Yeah I know, that’s why I bought my house near the National Harbor so I could be close to good food.”
He’ll always remind of the perks of owning a home like tax deductions and the ever increasing property value.

6. He might be a square if he’s somewhat pro-black
Squares are always quasi pro-black. He’ll share that silly ass slaves being sold on Black Friday meme but he’ll be in line outside of Walmart at 11p on Thanksgiving Day trying to cop a 60 inch flat screen. (After all Jamal and them aren’t selling Samsung curved TV’s at %50 off.) He’ll support black business as long as he doesn’t have to go out of his way to do it. He talks about how racist America is but he’s a Redskin fan.

7. He might be a square if he’s a techy
Squares are normally finance savvy until it comes to their love of gadgets especially non-practical gadgets. He has a drone that’s collecting dust. He has a remote control the size of an iPad with a touch screen display that control everything in his house. He’s probably the only person still using the Siri feature on his iPhone and he was the first guy with Fire Stick with Kodi on it.

8. He might be a square if he refuses to wear slim fit pants and jeans
He needs space in his pants pockets for his cell phone, wallet, car keys, that mini orange New Testament only bible, a deck of cards, a 20 oz soda, a rolled up magazine and up to 7 dollars in loose change.  The idea of joggers burdens his soul and reminisces over the days when he could buy a pair of regular sweatpants from Macy’s. He’s a dad jean aficionado and if his dress pants don’t fit like they’re fresh out of the Steve Harvey collection they’re not for him.

I just gave you the tools to recognize the square of your dreams ladies; happy hunting
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Her Sexual History Translator

I know some you guys just have to know or at least have to have a general idea of her body count and I got you fam because I speak fluent Womanese. But me personally I'm on my Mario Winans shit; I don't want to know excluding sex tapes, eating ass and of course boy, boy, girl threesomes. That's the no fly zone. So let me get the legal out of the way right fast then we can jump into it.

Due to the sexual non-disclosure act of 2003 it is currently illegal in all 50 states and associated US territories to ask a woman her body count. It doesn't matter if you're dating Mother Teresa of Cherokee Da Ass; all inquiries directly relating to her number of sexual partners are strictly forbidden and can possibly be met with hostile backlash including social media clap backs and questioning your manhood and insecurities. You can legally inquire about sexual acts such as threesomes, girl on girl action, and so on and so forth, but that is the extent of direct sexual history questioning.

Fortunately there's a work around and it requires a great amount of listening and estimation that will get you in the general ball park of her actual body count. Remember the American Pie "multiply by 3" rule? That would be valid if you were dating a high school senior but once she crosses that graduation stage all that shit goes out of the window and it wouldn't matter because of course you're not allowed to ask.

Ok let's get into it
First you have your known unknowns
Chances are if she's over 25 she's had a one night stand, a guy in the friendzone that temporarily escaped from the friendzone to capture the cheeks only to be sent immediately back to the friendzone and/or sex with a celebrity. (Side note - the term "celebrity" starts with having in excess of 20k Twitter or Instagram followers and leading right up to Sean Puffy Combs.) You will probably never be privy to this information so just add 1 out of general principle. She will subconsciously omit these sexual expeditions unless directly faced with them. I.E. when that random "one night stand" guy accidently comes across her Facebook account and sends her a friend request accompanied by a "Hey stranger" DM. And evidently once the story of their encounter is told to you he’ll be upgraded from "One night stand" to "a guy she used to talk to". The story will probably go something like this...
"See this is why I need to get off Facebook. People are always randomly finding me like this guy I used to "talk to" that just started messaging me. If it wasnĺt for family I would have been deactivated this shit." Add plenty of fake outrage for desired annoyed effect.

Second you have "talked to"
Talked to is very vague and the definition should be gauged on a case by case basis. Seriously "talked to" can mean something as light as "we used to text" right up to "he had a key to my apartment and two designated dresser draws", but never actually acquired a title. On average it's 65% chance he fucked and if not it's an 85% chance he came off of some "platonic" head. (Platonic head - when a gentleman caller offers up that mouth without achieving sex as the end game.)

Third you have "dated"
Dating and "talked to" often cover the same ground in the semantics division but the percentage of them actually having sex jumps immediately to 90%. So write this down for every 10 guys she "dated" 9 of them captured the vagina.

Fourth and finally you have "relationships"
The exes seem like it would be really clear cut BUT women tend to reevaluate the relationship retrospectively.  Boyfriends get deleted all the time Bih. She might have been claiming a guy 3 years ago this time; posting "Usies" and relationship goals all over social media and one day she'll wake up and deemed him "ain't shit" then delete every traces of him from IG and remove him from her pussy resumé.  (Side note - being deemed "ain't shit" doesn't necessarily speak ill of his character or his treatment towards her. Ain't shitness has been known to be labeled to guys whom have recently found love, had a child or simply stopped responding to text messages in a timely fashion. All of this is intricately detailed under the 1980 act of Once Mine Always Mine exclusively prohibiting men from ever moving on in life.) Rule of thumb for the number of relationships listed is tack on 25%.

Ok that's the math go forward and flourish but knowledge isn't necessarily power in this case
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Double Standards that aren’t going anywhere anytime soon

So a few days ago I’m scrolling thru social media and I came across a meme that read something to the effect of…

“I never understood why a woman is supposed to be a “ride or die” chick that stays with a man helping him to become the man she deserves. A man on the other hand is never told to stay with a woman while she finds herself. A man will always look for that perfect woman but women are supposed to settle for building a project.”

First off, I laughed long and hard. It was hilarious. Second I sat thought who the fuck wrote this? I really want to have a conversation with this person. If you know her please forward my info. Third I decided to write this here blog and if you were wondering yes, I will be getting back around to that meme.

We have come a very long way with gender roles and matters that used to be exclusively man or woman affairs are now for everybody. Go girl power and shit. In the words of the poet laureate Annie Lennox delivered via the vocals of Aretha Franklin “Sister are doing it for themselves, standing on their own two feet and ringing on their own bells”. Unfortunately we aren’t on completely equal ground quite yet and to be perfectly honest the majority of the remaining double standards favor the fairer sex.

Building a project mate
And yes you guessed I’m back to the meme. And yes its true men don’t typically take on projects with the exception of guys like Tyga that will date you when you’re 16 and just hold out until you’re legal. Men don’t date potential. Guys meet a woman and pretty much take her as is; there aren’t any grand plans to renovate and that’s because there is no pay off. He starts dating a girl that’s the working the register at Target and sticks in there with her for a few years and now she’s the district manager. Congrats, but when the bill comes at the end of the meal he’s still going to pay it. He’s not going retire from Metro early become a house husband. Now on the flipside when women invest in a project mate it’s a payoff (if the project is successful, I mean he might be an open mic rapper forever). He started out mopping the floor, now he’s washing lettuce. Soon he’ll be on fries; then the grill. In a year or two, he’ll make assistant manager and that’s when the big bucks start rolling in. As he climbs the socioeconomic ladder the lady in his life will directly benefit in a tangible way. She might even make her way up to house wife status.

Support
Women are cheerleaders and I mean that in a very non-sexist way. They’re here to tell you to stick with it when the road to your dreams gets rough. They’re here to listen to your trash ass mixtape and pretend like you’re spitting hot fire (no Dylan). They’ll always be there sitting in the front row rooting you. Now male support on the other hand actually involves cash, physical effort, counselling and a splash of cheering on. If you open a store; a man will invest and be there to help you unload the inventory, put up shelves, replace the lights and check for mouse droppings. That’s some man ass shit to do and that’s what is expected of us.

Splitting these bills
Equality comes to a dead halt when it comes to bills in a relationship. A man could move in with a woman with 4 pre-existing kids and would still be expected to cover half the bills at the very least. Being a man is all about bringing home the bacon and taken care of the household financially. No matter how far ahead society moves we don’t seem to be moving away from this any time soon.

Getting what you deserve
Men deserve what we earn. Nothing is given. Those are the rules on page one of the man handbook. It’s located at your local Barnes and Nobles. You win over and earn the affections of the women you want. You put in the hours to get the money to buy nice shit. Men work hard to achieve goals and the men that are handing things without putting in the hard work are seen as less than other men. Women on the other hand “deserve” things by simply existing they come to justify it. Women deserve the finer things in life even if they make minimum wage. Women deserve a good man with nothing palpable to warrant it. "I’ve dated too many lames, kissed too many frogs; I deserve my prince charming."

The ladies man vs the whore
Women lose here. I’m not even going to make the argument; unless you’re Rihanna or Amber Rose. If you are hit my DM’s.

These double standards are written in stone well into the foreseeable future
Jean DeGrate has spoken

He Just Might Not See the “Value” in You that You See in You

There are two things that I’ve said on several occasions…

1.     Dating is a selfish sport on both sides of the table
2.     You’re not as dope as you think you are

But let me elaborate…

Both of these things directly coincide. Think of your vacant boyfriend position as an actually employment opportunity and the dates are like job interviews leading up to filling the position. If a qualified candidate doesn’t apply the position should remain unfilled; in other terms don’t settle (be selfish). And on the flipside, just like in real life chances are you aren’t the only establishment he has applied for and people applying for multiple jobs are prone to take the 1 best suited. Unfortunately the best job might not be you (refer to number 2 stated above).

Anyway a few weeks back me and the homie were chopping it up because she’s getting back into the dating after about a year of sitting on the bench (and by the bench I mean her vagina is sitting on the top shelf in the back of the linen closet).  She had a handful of dates with a couple dudes. One guy was lame and she immediately released him back into the wild. The other guy was that dude. You know the guys that check all the boxes: cool, charming, good money, own home, career, car, full beard, 6’2, hairline still intact, no kids and all the other bells and whistles. And of course she was highly interested in the second guy. Why wouldn’t she be? Clearly he’s a catch. This solidly brings me to my second bullet point… (But I will be doubling back here)

You’re not as dope as you think you are

Half of the things you fancy about yourself probably don’t mean much of anything to potential suitors.  All your dreams and aspirations are dope and all but that doesn’t have much to do with who you are right fucking now. Until you become a millionaire from selling diet teas on Instagram, or whatever your mission to get that second comma in your bank account is, you’re still a mother of 2 working as a receptionist in a lawyer’s office. You might be a great mom but that’s only a benefit to your kids (and the niggas that going to eat their snacks). Cooking and cleaning is no longer woman’s work but the work of a functioning adult, so being able to push a mop and turn on the stove is no longer a much sort after skill set. I know, it sucks right?

Know your worth

I know you hear and see this statement all the time but trust me they’re using it wrong. Somehow “knowing your worth” normally means sticking a crazy price tag on some regular ass shit. Like remember when Neiman Marcus was selling frozen Thanksgiving collard greens for $80 ($66 plus $15 for shipping and handling) and everybody lost their minds over it? For $80 you could probably feed a family of 4 an entire Thanksgiving dinner with turkey, stuffing, yams and greens included. Now I’ll stick a super inflated value on myself because of all the “dope” things about me that might not mean shit to anyone else. So here we go… Full head of hair, drives luxury vehicles, wears designer clothing, stable good paying job, never been to jail, good father to my child, I cook, I clean and never smell like onion rings.  Ok I lied I don’t clean. Now with all the things I listed I should be feeling pretty good about myself and date only bad bitches, right? Nope. See it’s a guy driving an 2002 Camry wearing a pair of KD’s and fresh black Lux-T that’s in the same lane I’m in; talking to the same women I’m trying to get at and the same goes for you women. When ya’ll take to slandering the looks of baby mothers of the guys you’re currently checking for? Those “ugly” women are in your same league. Why? Because that 2006 G37 sedan and that 2 bedroom condo isn’t making you the breakout star you thought it would. To assess your worth you have to assess your competition and please believe there is plenty of competition no matter how much you “don’t compete”.

This brings me back to my homie and Mr. 6’2

She was all ready to start picking out wedding dresses by the third date (I’m kidding but not by much) and Mr. 6’2 was just taking it easy being all casual and shit. She couldn’t understand it. She’s a good woman. The strong but let a man be a man type. She has a real job and a side hustle, about to go back to school to finish off this degree, only one kid with no baby daddy drama, living on her own, in the gym and all that other dope shit. She could have any guy right? Or so she thought. This guy wasn’t willing to give up his bachelorhood just because she thought highly enough of herself to eliminate whoever else might have been vying for his attention. Instead of seeing that she’s not the only one trying to be the only one she labeled him as a player and said he was playing games. He wasn’t.  He didn’t sell any dreams.  Welp. Her vagina remains on the shelf till this day.

None of us are in league of our own out here; keep it 100 with yourself
Jean DeGrate has spoken

5 Signs You Might Be a Reggie Chick

If you didn’t read yesterday’s post this is the follow up but I’ll give you the definition of Reggie again for you first timers…

Reggie – a term derived from regular originally use to describe a less than favorable potency of marijuana. It later was expanded to describe anything of less than desirable stature, quality, or in this instance, attractiveness.

Cool. I’m glad we got that out of the way.

I also feels like this goes without saying but I could be wrong so I’m going to say it anyway. There will be no “5 signs you might be a Reggie dude” coming because money fixes everything for a guy. Lame? Sprinkle some money on it and his personality becomes unique. Ugly? Sprinkle some money on it and his looks gain character. Fat? Short? Handicap? Just sprinkle on a few commas and a BMW M6 and everything will be right as rain. Unfortunately there is no quick fix for a Reggie female that doesn’t include surgical procedures, a makeup artist and bundles of hair from an 3rd world Asian country. Think Kylie Jenner.

So without further ado…

1. You might be a Reggie if %50 or more of the guys that pursue you don’t try to legit date you
If you’re fine or at least as fine as you think you are guys will want to be seen with you. He won’t immediately opt for the Netflix and Chill. Nah it’s going to be some dinner dates in your future. You just look like the “Just swing thru with this bottle of Mango Ciroc and see what it do” type.

2. You might be a Reggie if you don’t get premium nights
If you didn’t already know the premium nights are Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays (on 3 day holiday weekends). Pretty much the no work and/or school the next morning days. Those nights are reserved for plans with the first-rate women from first rate men. A Reggie ass dude and a Reggie ass chick can paint the town red on any day of the week.

3. You might be a Reggie if you get offered last minute plans
The basketball game starts at 8p and he calls you at 630p asking if you want to go? He says he got the tickets from a co-worker/homie/cousin that had something expected pop up and he was gifted awesome floor seats? Yeah that’s bullshit. The girl he was supposed to go with canceled and your Reggie ass was the second if you’re lucky but most likely the 4th or 5th option. Nobody wants to get caught sitting courtside on the kiss cam with a Reggie.

4. You might be a Reggie if your line gets to popping after 10p.
Being a Reggie makes you a prime candidate for booty calls. Those “WYD” and “You up” text messages that seem to all way make their way to you well after sundown are coming for a reason. Your Reggie, you’re probably alone. Why not take the shot?

5. You might be a Reggie if most of your “likes” and comments on Instagram come from women
Women are the greatest cheer leaders. They’ll lift you up when you’re feeling down. They’ll call you beautiful when you look like Shrek. They’ll put heart eyed emojis under all your pictures. If your latest selfie has 10 “likes” and 6 of them came from fellow vagina owners you just might be a Reggie.

I can really go for 10 but I know some of you Reggies are already hovering over the delete button
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Top 4 Reason Men Date Reggie Women

If you don’t know what Reggie is I’m just going to blame it on your age or a disconnection from urban culture (if you spent the last 6 years working for Doctors without Borders I understand).

Reggie – a term derived from regular originally use to describe a less than favorable potency of marijuana. It later was expanded to describe anything of less than desirable stature, quality, or in this instance, attractiveness.

I should work for Webster.

Anyway…

There is an assortment of reasons why men who could perceivably date more “attractive” women would “settle” for a Reggie; I’m just going to give the top 4. I’ll be side stepping all those cooked up reasons men give to other men i.e. “Son she’s really cool and her sex is crazy”. There are flaws all up in that statement, but we’ll get to bros lying to bros on different date. On with the list…

1. She makes more money than him
Men are very self-conscious about not being the main bread winner and more times than not the only way to circumvent that is dating a woman that is a tad bit less attractive than his usual standards. With the exception of Stedman Graham; dating a more successful woman often means there’s another guy on her level just waiting to scoop her up unless she’s not that good looking. That’s almost never the case but that’s how these guys feel.

2. He’s a cheater
To state this delicately, non-beauty queens tend to deal with a higher level of bullshit from their mates. With that said a guy can literally have his cake and eat it too and by cake I mean his sidechick. Argue with me if you like but you’ve probably NEVER told a less than 6 “You’re way too pretty to be dealing with this bullshit.”

3. He has low self-esteem
Dating a Reggie is an easy way to elude jealousy, undue clinginess, over spending to compensate and etc. It’s a safety net much in the same way as it is for dating a more successful woman.

4. He’s got issues
Ex-con, under employed, very poor, owes back child support, baby mama drama, lives at home, doesn’t own a car; you name it but it’s enough to stop him from getting a second date. After a streak of failing to capture the affections of the women he would like to date he’s subjected to dating the women that would date him.

If he’s dating 5 and riding dark tints it’s definitely a reason.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The 4 Guys Most Likely To Smash Your Girl During A Break

We're comfortably into Cuffing Season and hopefully if you’re reading this you’ve won the Thanksgiving championship game and you’re lining up Christmas, New Year’s and snowed in plans. Hip. Hip. Hooray and shit. Ok before I get into this there will be no male counterpart to this blog because the woman most likely to smash your man on a break is a woman that has a functioning vagina. But seriously, the criteria is really thin; half way decent looking and willing to have sex.

Break sex is just as real with women as it is with men but women don’t pop up with break babies like Dwayne Wade and Mandeecee (Yandy hold your head son even though those bundles look mad heavy). Unlike us men folk; there’s always a person literally in earshot waiting to be called off the bench for the break sex opportunity with YOUR girl. So without further ado here are the guys most likely to fuck your girl…

1. The dick in the glass

There’s always a dick in the glass dude lurking. He might be some old work from not too long ago. He might be dude who was in the running for the pussy before you took her off the market. He might be some dude she randomly flirts with at the gym/the Starbucks/the train station and she already has his info stored in her phone under “Janet from accounting”. He’s out there and well in reach. All it takes is a solid blow up and 24 hours of non-communication and his phone is going to ring because in her mind you’re already fucking “some other bitch” (her words not mine).

2. The work husband

Little do you know the work husband is always 3 shots of patron at a random after work happy hour away from fucking your girl with or without a break. The truth is her work a husband is going to get way more quality time in than you ever will. Five days a week for 8 hours a day he’s catering, listening and waiting for his window of opportunity.

3. The baby daddy

Some women detest loathe and hate (and yes I know all 3 words are synonyms for one another but I needed you to feel me) the father of their child or children, and more times than not, it has absolutely nothing to do with his parenting ability or being a provider for the kids. We aren’t talking about those women right now. Now for the baby daddies that range from slight disfavor all the way up to “seriously why we not together” are always prime targets for easy break sex. It’s clutch because they can fuck and then go back to talking about who’s turn it is to sell fundraiser shit at their job. The baby daddy is easily the most dangerous one on the list because after he smashes shit won’t get weird and won’t leave a trace (he’s also probably going to hit it raw).

4. The funny local guy on social media

I know what you’re thinking. I know and I’m sorry because I’m sure one of you reading this I’ve fucked your girl. We’re not going to focus on that right now (or ever)… FOCUS on the message at hand… OK? Good. Let’s go. She’s always lightweight stalking some at least decent looking and funny guy on social media. She might do some coy flirting causing him to shoot his shot, be direct and slide in the DM’s or use Issa’s (Insecure) move and conveniently show up some place she knows he’s going to be. She has already filled in the gaps in her head of what he’s like in real life and all he has to do is half way live up to her made up expectations and it’s on.

It’s the truth and I would tell you to ask your girl but that would be indirectly promoting domestic violence. Ask the female homie for an honest answer but either way be on your best behavior and avoid breaks because that outside dick is waiting.

Jean DeGrate has spoken.