Friday, January 5, 2018

I’m Off That for The 2018

Yeah I’m off a few things for the New Year. Not in that “I’m cutting folks off” type of way or the “new year new me” type of way either. Even though I’m writing this blog I’m not exactly turning over a new leaf but I definitely left some things in 2017. Oh let’s do this.

Trump getting impeached

Donny was inaugurated on January 20th, 2017 and by the 23rd I was waiting for the impeachment procedures to begin. It never came. Donny appointed his idiots friends in positions of power. Donny (or people really close to Donny i.e. Don Jr.) colluded with the Russians. Donny fired staffers and agency heads with reckless abandon. Donny trampled on diplomatic relations. Donny traded verbal jabs and threatened nuclear war with North Korea. Donny spent more time on the golf course than he did in the oval office. He real live spent most of his days in office, that weren’t spent golfing, trying to undo everything Obama did in two terms. Donald John Trump pardoned fucking Sheriff Joe Arpaio. I gave up hope. Hopefully 3 years from now there’ll be somebody else taking office not named Donald Trump or Mike Pence.

Astrological signs

Hi, I’m Jean DeGrate. I’m a Capricorn and I have selectively unlimited data plan so if you see me being active on social media but not responding to your text blame Sprint. I enjoy short walks to the fridge and lifting heavy shit up then putting it back down. If I had a Tinder account I’m pretty sure this would be my bio. I don’t celebrate my astrological sign. I don’t post Capricorn season memes. I don’t read my horoscope (unless I’m on the train and my cellphone service is shaky and in that case I read all the horoscopes via the newspaper). I don’t believe that my father hit it raw in March was the deciding factor on who I became as a person. I’ve legit told several people my sign was other shit than it was and all they said in return is “You’re totally a Sagittarius” or whatever sign that rolled off my tongue at the time. So in the 2018 I’m not even going to answer that question. I’m going Marshawn Lynch with the Seahawks on these people…
Her – What’s your sign?
JD – Thank you for asking. I’m just here so I don’t get fined.

Giving unwarranted advice to vagina owners

I’m accustomed to people coming to me for advice; so much so that if a person starts telling me a story I’m already waiting to tell them how they fucked up. I’m so serious; people that I don’t know at all reach out to me via social media to get my take on their personally experiences. Have you seen the shit I post on social media? How did I become the voice of reason? Lord knows, but I’m here now. Anyway I’ve been doling out advice all over the place to women that didn’t ask for it. They’d call me to vent and I’d politely interject with all my sage like wisdom. They’ll listen to me, extra engaged with all nods in agreement and shit. They’re here for it. Then the conversation will end and they’ll go back to doing whatever dumb shit they were already planning to do. Fast forward a few days, a few weeks, a few months and I’ll witness the ruin of them marching to their own beat whilst failing to adhere to my counsel. The funny thing is they’re on the path they were always meant to be on and while I’m sitting there mad that they didn’t listen like what they eat makes me shit. A classic example of me giving a fuck when it ain’t my turn to give a fuck.

Giving business to struggle establishments and complaining about the service

You ever wonder why people praise the service at Chick Fil A so much? I do. People aren’t used to getting top tier service in fast food establishments. I go to the drive-thru at Wendy’s and they put onions and pickles on my burger after I specifically told them no onions 3 times then I flip out about it when I get home? For the fuck what? I’m just going to scrap the onions off and pick off the pickles then eat my burger. I go to my neighborhood Shoe City and the 16 year old pimple faced kid goes to get the shoes then never comes back and now I want to talk to the manager? Why? Should I make a fuss and try to get this kid fired from a job I wouldn’t do? I know where I am. I know what to expect. I know what they are paying the employees. Nobody is retiring from these spots.

I’m on a new level
Jean DeGrate is over all that other shit

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