I know you think it’s a thing but it’s not really a thing

Since a new year has begun we have to let some things die. I mean it’s some things that used to be a thing but times have changed and it’s not a thing anymore. You can die on these hills if you like but chances are you’ll be dying alone. So let’s just get right into it…

Relationship things

I know I’ve said this before but I feel like I can stand to say it again and then a few more times after that. There’s no such thing as relationship things. Things that were taboo outside of a relationship 10, 15, 20 years ago are commonplace now. Without a title everything is just friends with benefits (and most of you are probably not even friends). Those sleepovers, dates and Christmas gifts still doesn’t equate to a relationship until an agreement is reached. So for the record…
You met their kids… not a relationship thing
You met their parents… not a relationship thing
You’re their emergency contact… not a relationship thing
You get my drift right? Good. Moving on.

Chivalry

I’m sorry but chivalry is no longer a thing. You can’t be anti-sexism and pro-chivalry because to be chivalrous is to be sexist. Equality really killed chivalry and the millennials aren’t carrying the antiquated lopsided torch of the generations passed. The fire hasn't completely died out but it's fading fast.

Owning a car

Unless you live in the distant country of Waldorf you probably don’t really need a car. Most urban areas have Uber and Lyft and cabs and subways and shit. You can literally Uber everywhere. Especially since on average 90% of the time you own your car it's parked, that's probably a waste of money, unless of course you work for Uber.
 

Being well traveled

100 years ago being well traveled was a thing and it was reserved for those who had serious wealth. Traveling 25 miles outside of where you were born was a feat and chances are if you did that you were never coming back. Today you can get a flight on JetBlue for the price of a pair of Jordan’s and be a 1000 miles away from home before dinner time. It’s 2018 the only people that aren’t well traveled are the homeless and the people that have decided not to. The same people that were Ponzi scheming their friends to flip $20 into $160 are the same people that will be on South Beach on Memorial Day weekend. Sorry but shut up about your passport stamps and enjoy your vacations. Post your pictures and leave out all the pseudo stunting because you ain't doing shit.

Using weed

Weed is the new alcohol. Everybody is doing it. Old people, young people, white people, black people, blue people; everybody is doing it with the exception of Mike Pence and Jeff Sessions. If you see somebody with a blunt hanging off their lips in an Instagram pic it’s no different than you posting a picture of your 5th of Hennessey. Don’t be that person. It’s legal now and the safety stats favor marijuana over your cocktail of choice.

That shit over fam. Fight me.
Jean DeGrate has spoken