Tale of a Wingman

It was Tuesday, May 2nd 2006 at about 8:45pm and I'm lying across my futon watching Eddie Murphy's "Raw". I just got off work and just felt like chilling so get in the house pop in the DVD make a sandwich and grab a beer. I get three bites into this sandwich and my phone starts to ring; which is about a foot outside of arms reach from where I'm laying. I don't even look at the caller ID because I don't have any plans on answering. Fifteen minutes passes and my phone is still ringing so I could either smash it to pieces or answer it. In retrospect I should have smashed. I mute the TV and crush the last piece of sandwich...

JD - Hello *using the half sleep voice*
Dave (of course it's an alias) - What you doing dog?
JD - I'm running track! What the fuck does it sound like I'm doing?
Dave - I need you I got some 2 player action
JD - It can't be made into 1 player?
Dave - Nah it's got to be 2 player possible 3 players
***2 player 3, 4 so on and so forth = the number of guys needed in a mixed gender situation***
JD - Aigh I'mma call you back in fifteen minutes

I hop up then turn off the movie and get myself together, all the while cursing myself for answering the fucking phone. Pick up Dave, of course I'm the lucky guy to play wingman because I own a car, then head out to god knows where Virginia while he fills my head with all this "you should see her friends" bullshit and telling me how I'll be thanking him for calling me. Niggas always lay the sice on extra thick before sending you on a setup mission. When you hear stories like this you want to believe it, you need to believe it, but if you've been doing this wingman shit as long as I have you know better.

After getting extremely flawed directions from this chick we decide to let them meet us at this gas just east of the middle of fucking nowhere. A pack of Black & Mild's and an hour later (more like 15 minutes and 1 black but it felt like fucking forever) this bitch pulls up in a Super Shuttle van (as in the airport Super Shuttle). A burly black chick hops out with two Spanish chicks and a toddler. I look over in their direction thinking "I know these can't be the bitches" and at that exact moment this nigga Dave starts walking over to them.

Before I go any further let me tell you what these girls look like... The two Spanish girls were cute as shit to be perfectly honest. They had on matching Baby Phat winter bombers with the fur around the hood zipped all the way up to the neck even though it was 72 degree outside. Maybe they had recently crossed the boarder and weren't used to weather in America yet. They both had nice shapes as far as I could, it kind of hard to tell staring at winter coats. At this point things were looking up.

Now my man Dave on the other hand appears to be in real bad shape. This girl is fucked up for the floor up. Body shot. Face shot. Hair shot. Clothes shot. She might have one positive feature but I couldn't see it from the angle I was standing at. She had her hair in a struggle pony tail. A struggle ponytail is a pony tail where the hair in the front won't reach the back so you brush and grease it down then pray that it stays put but after a while it's all sticking up expect a pinky finger sized knot of hair held down by a scrungi. She was super dark skin and looked as if she was sweating so her face was glistening in the moon light like black patent leather. She was at least 70lbs over weight; her body was shaped like a 2 liter soda. I would keep going in but I got a story to tell; just know she was fucked up.

This coon calls me over to introduce me as I notice the Super Shuttle pulling off; at the time I was driving a coupe a true four seater a 2003 Acura CL to be exact. This team of misfits' piles into my car and to this day I'm still not sure how 2 Mexicans, a fat girl, and baby fit in the back seat of my whip. Good thing it was a short drive because I know that big bitch was hell on my shocks. We literally at big girl's apartment complex in 3 minutes but she lived in one of those places were the visitor parking is at the very beginning of the complex. As we embark on this huge trek towards BG's (big girl) apartment, which is a good 7 blocks away from where I parked, everybody is talking with the exception of the Spanish girls and me because I was pissed the fuck of still so I thought nothing of it at first. The moment we walk through the door of BG's apartment her mother gets to complaining...

BG's mother - I know you ain't in here again with a gang of niggas!!! Oh how ya'll doing tonight?
JD - I'm fine ma'am
Dave - I'm okay
(Yeah she took time out to speak to us and got back to screaming on her daughter)
BG - Ma it's my birthday! Don't do this on my birthday!
BG's mother - I don't give a fuck whose birthday it could be Jesus birthday. Just look at the example you are setting for your daughter!

Okay that carried on for about 20 more minutes and I'm all for ratchet shit but it got down right awkward after 5 minutes. After that we all made our way to BG's bedroom. I was really praying that we would get put out, but no such luck. BG pulls out this pint of Hypnotic then had the nerve to ask everybody if they wanted a cup. After that the two Spanish girls step off and come back with bowls of spaghetti O's as they walk back in the room I notice that they still have their jackets zipped all the way and still haven't said a single word. At this point I'm beyond done; I grab the remote and try to focus on the TV. BG decides she doesn't want to see the shit I'm watching and my man sides with her off some "Come dog, on it's her birthday", so now all the wingman in me has left the building. In the mist of trying to figure out how the hell I'm going get out of here I hear the front door slam and when I look around the Spanish girls are gone. I turn to BG...

JD - Fuck happened to you girls? They just rolled out like that?
BG - Yeah they do that from time to time
JD - Go long periods of time without talking or just roll out without warning?
BG - Oh they don't speak English
*During this conversation BG's daughter has invented a new game it's called "Step on Jean's new shoes" but this is before I was wearing Gucci shoes and shit*
Dave - Do you speak Spanish?
BG - No, not really?
JD - What the fuck do you mean not really? It's either you speak it of you don't Dave - Are you telling me that I dragged my man way out here for some girls that don't even speak our language?
JD - Get your child to stop stepping on my shoes. Son I'm ready to fucking roll.
*During this going back and forth we've managed to wake BG's younger sister. *
BG's sister (BGS) - *Banging on the door to her room* Ya'll need to shut the fuck up
Dave - Who the fuck do you think you're talking
BGS - *Pokes her head into the room* To who ever been talking
Dave - Don't make me get up
BGS - Get up you ain't about to do shit to me
BG - Everybody shut up ya'll are fucking up my birthday
JD - It was fucked up way before we got here. Dave come on I'm gone. As we get up and walk out of BG's room she races behind us with child in tow.
BG - Dave, I know you ain't going to leave me like this on my birthday
BGS - Let them weak ass niggas go (as she walks into her room and slams the door).
Dave - Let me go holla at her right quick I'll be like 5 minutes
JD - Give me the hammer and I'mma wait out here. You got 5 minutes after that I'm knocking on the door. *You never go to a strange hood without the pistol*
BG, the baby, and Dave make their way back to her room and I sit on the couch in darkness playing with Dave's snub nose 38. After about ten minutes I hear a hard knock on the door and BG's sister comes flying out of her room. She opens the door without even looking to see who it is and enters some dude who immediately starts to ask questions.
SD (some dude) - So is that him? (Pointing in my direction)
BGS - Yeah that's one of them
SD - Where is the other one?
BGS - He's in the back with my sister
At this point I'm staring directly at SD then he turns and walks out of the door and BGS goes back into her room smiling. I immediately start calling Dave's phones after fifteen attempts this dude don't answer the phone once. I wait on the couch for about 3 minutes then there is another knock on the door and I got gun in hand now thinking "From now on I'mma cut my ringer off as soon as I get in the house". Once again BGS is at the door in a flash and it's SD and about four of his buddies talking loud and ready for war I guess. I'm sitting on the couch as cool as an ice cube waiting for shit to jump off. These dudes walk around living room and look directly over at me; I give them the head nod and they give it back. SD cut's on the light for a second takes a good look at me then his friends leave and SD follows BGS into her bedroom. I put the gun in my pocket and relax a bit then I hear SD and BGS arguing and then a loud crash. I hopped up, went to the door of BG's bedroom and started knocking.

BG - Who is it?
JD - Fuck you mean who is it? Dave bring your ass on son you're fifteen minutes over your five.
Dave - Give me one minute

After about two minutes Dave opens the door adjusting his clothes, the smell of boodaussy rushes out with BG following behind looking like somebody threw a bucket of water on her big busted ass. When we're outside of the apartment I tell Dave of shit that transpired while he was fucking this ape and let him know that his wingman rights have been forever revoked.

Being a wingman is a hard line of work
Jean DeGrate told you a story