Friday, May 13, 2011

Dude Face, Facial Hair, and Other Female Physical Tragedies

I know it’s hard enough being a woman already between mechanics trying to take advantage, PMS, and bunions from high heeled shoes. (Yeah, ya’ll got it tough.) Even having to deal with all that, sometimes your bodies do strange and downright horrible things. Here’re my top 5 female physical tragedies…

1) Dude Face
I think the Latin name for it is something like “Vir Visio”. There’re a lot chicks walking the streets with bodies that could rival most video vixens but faces that could rival most professional boxers. I blogged “Ass is Forever” a while ago. ((http://jeandegrate.blogspot.com/2011/01/ass-is-forever.html)), and what I said still holds true… ass is still immortal. But, that doesn’t mean shit if you’re walking around looking like Sugar Shane Mosley in the face. You all have seen a dude face bitch before… the joint that steps out of the store in front of you as you’re walking down the street, and everything about her body says “yes”. So you walk a little faster to get in front of her, turn around slyly, and at first glace… the dude face says “nooooo”. It’s unfortunate that these women can’t just be plain old ugly but instead have been cursed to look like drag queens for the rest of their natural lives. Actually, on second thought being straight out busted is way worse than having a dude face… at least dude face bitches give you something good to look at from the back.

2) Muffin Top
I don’t know the exact cause of muffin top, but that shit is just rough looking. I mean, how do you get a wraparound gut that just oozes over your waistline? I’ve never seen a nude muffin top, but I can only guess it might invoke a gag reflex. I’ve also never seen a chick recover from a muffin top. Once a muffin top… always a muffin a top unless it transforms into a full out FUPA (fat upper pussy area). Either way, that mushroom shape belly can’t be sexy.

3) Raisin Belly
Out of the miracle of childbirth comes raisin belly. Whoever thought something so beautiful could result in a midsection that looks as if it has been mauled by a tiger? The fucked up thing about raisin belly is it catches you by surprise. You’ll be midway thru putting the moves on Ms. New Pussy, and when that shirt comes off, a stomach that strongly resembles worn-in shoe leather pops out at you. You try to play it cool so you don’t fuck up your chances cracking the joint, but surely disgust is written all over your face. Yeah, raisin belly’s some sad shit. Does anybody know if that jazzy stretch mark cream actually works? As expensive as it may be, ladies please realize that a kissable midsection is priceless, and go head cop that shit.

4) The Bearded Lady
There may be nothing less appealing than a bitch with a goatee… well unless she has a full beard (no Rick Ross). I’m puzzled by the lack of motivation of females to shave, wax, tweeze, or laser that shit off. It really baffles me how a chick’s pussy will be perfectly shaven, Mr. Miyagi style, but the amount of hair on her face shits on mine. Even worse is to see a woman with perfectly arched eyebrows but a hairy top lip. Bitch, you got your priorities fucked up. Let that unibrow ride, at least until you tackle that 5 o’clock shadow kicking it around your mouth.

5) Third World Titties and The Other Assortment of Subpar Breast
Due to Victoria’s “Secret” chances are you won’t know what those fun bags are hitting on before the actual moment of truth, unless you’re lucky enough to get pre-sex freaky pics. Sidenote: I love you exhibitionist bitches. Finding consistent nice titties while dating women over the age of 25 is like finding black people in the hood with good credit… the chances aren’t that great. I’ve had sex with at least 10 women who have never revealed their subpar titties to me. In retrospect, I thank them, especially after all the horrible titties I witnessed, excluding shitty porn and National Geographic tribal documentaries. There’s a plethora of bad breast out here… triangle flat titties, long skinny stretch mark boobs, baseball-in-a-sock knockers, and all other types of 2nd rate tits. So I ran out of things to call breast… fuck it; sue me.

Honorable Mention: Deep Voice
Every once in a while I’ll get blinded by a chick’s phatness or fineness or the venue will just deafen out the actual sound of her voice. Then after a couple days of random texting back and forth (since people nowadays rarely talk on the phone), a phone call finally occurs…
JD – Hello; can I speak to Keisha?
Keisha – This is her (in her Rick Ross voice).
JD – You got a cold or something?
Keisha – No; why did you say that?
JD – It must be my phone. Let me call you right back.
But, the whole time I’m thinking this bitch sound way more like a Tyrone than a Keisha… Yeah, I won’t be calling her back.

Sorry ladies; in some aspects, men just got it easier.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

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