Thursday, May 5, 2011

Cheaters: The 3 Divisions

Before I start this blog, I must disclaim that everyone isn’t a cheater. But, this blog is about the 95% of people that are. I know we like to think that “a cheater is a cheater”, but the fact of the matter is that all cheaters aren’t built the same. Cheaters normally come in 3 divisions: (1) the professional, (2) the opportunist, and (3) the “something like a relationship” cheater.

1 The Professional
He is normally very attractive, financially well off, and/or benefits from some sort of privileges that render him more desirable to females than the average nigga. These powerful attributes often give him the “Bitches are like buses. Miss one next 15 one coming” attitude. Even if a quality chick left, another would be along shortly; so regardless of his relationship status, he continues to seek out other women. He has a main chick, a mistress, and a ton of random women sitting on the sideline. No matter how great his number 1 is or how bomb her pussy may be, this dude will almost always have a number 2 or 3 or 4 and sometimes a 5. You may very well wonder, “Why settle down if all he’s gonna do is cheat?” Well, the answer is… he’s simply locking down the starting girl on his roster all the while making sure the girls on the sideline don’t get restless. To professional cheaters, girlfriends are just guaranteed pussy. At the end of the night, if Ms. New Pussy decides not to fuck, he knows he can always go home to his girl. There is also a girl version of the professional cheater. She usually isn’t super paid, incredibly good looking, or in any position of influence, and society plainly refers to her as a “hoe”. The female professional cheater need not have a lot going for them; they simply have to be in possession of an extremely friendly pussy.

2 The Opportunist
Unlike the professional, the opportunist isn’t a serial cheater. He’s not looking for a sideline chick. In fact, the dude is actually happy with his girlfriend, no matter how basic she may be. (Yea, for some reason, these niggas always play the weakest joints close, but hey… that’s another blog.) In order for this guy to cheat pretty much everything just has to be going in his favor within a particular moment. For example, it’s a guys’ night out and some attractive female is giving him the eye... the eye turns into flirting…and the flirting turns into a one night stand. Or he just happened to be at a crazy bachelor party where the stripper decided the best man should get a “freebie”. The catch here is that he fucks ‘em and leaves ‘em. Unlike Mr. Professional Cheater, he’s not entertaining several bitches simultaneously, and Ms. New Pussy doesn’t ever have the option of being “girlfriend # 2”. He is arguably the hardest cheater to catch because it’s hard to leave a trail after one shot of ass with no strings attached. He answers numbers that he doesn’t know with confidence and leaves his phone facing up while unlocked because he’s sure there are no skeletons waiting to pop out.

3 The “Something Like a Relationship” Cheater
This is the most reckless form of the cheater, and most of them are women. The two parties work together or play on the same co-ed flag football team (totally random, but why the fuck is flag football so damn popular?) or even belong to the same gym. Either way, they are guaranteed to cross each other’s paths and interact in some form or fashion. It goes from casual conversation to flirting to lunches to drinks to fucking to an entire mini top secret relationship. Fights, feelings, breaks, and breakups are all included. This type of cheater is typically female for a couple reasons: (1) Men don’t have the time or the “give a fuck” to hold down two relationships at once. (2) Men, even professional cheaters, aren’t looking for love on the side. It’s strictly about the pussy. Men don’t care to date outside of their relationship. They just want to fuck. Women initially think they just want to fuck too, but it never fails that they fall in love with that outside dick, and their main relationship is affected.

What type of cheater are you?
Jean DeGrate is wondering

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