I Don’t Trust Niggas That…

There are certain things people do and say that just make me leery of their motives and overall outlook on life. Here’re a few…
 
I don’t trust niggas that eat pussy but don’t eat pork
People don’t eat pork for a colossal array of reasons: religion, heath, or shit, maybe they watched “Charlotte’s Web” one too many times. I can’t judge them on any of that. I personally don’t partake in the eating of the vagina; I even wrote a blog about it. Now, how can you draw the line at pork all the while continuing to eat pussy that’s been marinating in panties and tight denim day in and day out (not to mention the random penis that’s been in there)? Come on son. That pork in your local grocery store is government-approved USDA shit. Show me some USDA pussy… I’ll wait. That entire logic is flawed, plus nobody ever got an STD from bacon.
 
I don’t trust niggas that get that little bit of haircut before their dreads
There’s absolutely no good reason on God’s green earth to chop off a row or two of locs to have an inch of brush cut. That’s a sure sign of indecisiveness and blatant disrespect of your hairline. There’s no way you can make concrete decisions if you can’t choose between long hair or short hair.
 
I don’t trust women that wear weaves that don’t even look remotely believable
There was a time when a woman’s weave was meant to deceive; women used to pay top dollar and sit for 8 hours just to get hair from India sewn into their Negro scalps, with surgeon-like precision. Too bad that era ended some time ago. Now, bitches are getting weaves done on back porches during cookouts by another bitch that already had 3 shots of Patron and a jay of loud. One spiral cornrow, 2 packs of tracks, and 3 hours later, she’s looking in the mirror staring at a hair-do that looks less believable than those rainbow-colored wigs clowns wear. I can’t trust women that don’t even put effort into being deceitful.
 
I don’t trust BLACK niggas that date unattractive white women
I’ve never dated a white woman… fucked a handful, but never actually got around to the whole dating thing. Now, if I ever were to date a white woman, she would have to be a topnotch white woman. I’m talking Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Biel, or Topanga back when she had that “Boy Meets World” figure. Do you know the amount of hate you get when you’re out in public with a white woman as a black man? Every black woman that’s within 30 yards of you fucking hates you. If you’re out with a white woman you should just avoid eye contact with all people of color; trust me, they’re judging you bro. Now, if you switch to white and end up with a busted ass Rosie O’Donnell looking bitch, that’s not even worth the ridicule. I couldn’t even begin to understand the motive behind dating a mediocre white joint. All that talk about white bitches giving bomb ass head doesn’t even justify fucking Rosie O’Donnell. Plus, it’s 2011, colored bitches have gotten their head game up-to-par with their white peers. Real talk, let my white bitch lose a motherfucking step, and I don’t give a fuck if we’re married, splitting a mortgage, and my car is in her name (because white bitches have the best credit), I’m leaving her ass with no hesitation.
 
I don’t trust broke women with expensive shit
You work at Staples, but you drive a 2010 Lexus… How are you paying that car note? There ain’t but so much money you could possibly make working behind a cash register. Oh word… you’re clearing $50k a year double bagging groceries and shit? Not in this lifetime. Your handbags total up to the average price of a condo in a bad neighborhood, but you’re a shift manager at CVS. I’m sorry; there isn’t that much savings out here. I don’t believe you did it on your own; I just can’t. You had to lease that pussy out. I’m not saying you’re a flat out hoe; I’m sure niggas ain’t coming thru leaving money on the nightstand and shit, but there’re some sexual favors going down somewhere.
 
I don’t trust straight women that don’t do anything about their facial hair
I mean I’ve never heard a man say “I love bitches with mustaches”. As a matter of fact, that goes for chin stubble and sideburns. Besides the fact that women with facial hair is grossly unattractive, but when you just let those whiskers grow wild you’re saying you don’t give a fuck about your appearance. Nor do you care about being appealing to the opposite sex. I can’t trust a girl with a Rick Ross beard.
 
Maybe, I just got trust issues. Or maybe, niggas and bitches just can’t be trusted.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

What your ex owes you?

*** This excludes exes that are actually cool with each other or have kids together. And, let’s be clear, if you haven’t amicably spoken to your ex out of your own free will (not because he cornered you in Whole Foods when you were waiting in line at the deli) in the last 6 months, you’re not cool. ***
 
This really could be the shortest blog ever because your ex actually owes you…*wait for it*… not a motherfucking thing… well except that “it burns when I pee you might want to go see a doctor” call. I guess that concept is crazy to some folks since a lot us have some entitlement issues. Here is my brief list of things people expect post break-up.
 
Closure
The entire concept of closure is crazy. People want a face-to-face sit down to hear why the other person no longer wants to be with you. My personal take is they don’t want you so they are leaving the situation, case closed. Nobody owes anybody an explanation; it isn’t like your time together will go on a relationship resume and perspective mates will Google it and decide accordingly. “Oh I dated this chick; she has bad break up protocol; she ended her last two relationships via text, and the one before that she just stopped taking dude calls then blocked him on FaceBook.” That will never happen. I know some folks are going be like “that’s just common courtesy”, but common courtesy is holding the door for the person directly behind you, not having a drawn out conversation with a person you no longer want to be in your life. Nope, that’s just awkward.  What’s a polite way to say, “You make me sick, and I don’t want to know you anymore, but let’s pretend to be friends”?
 
Not Fucking/Dating your friends
If your ex fucks one of your homies, you can only be mad at one person… your homie. How can you really be mad at somebody who’s not a part of your life to pass out up on some sex and possibly more just because they hangout with you? That’s kind of selfish and overbearing to believe that you can control somebody’s sex life that you don’t even speak to. Let that man live, but your homie, on the other hand, that’s something you two might have to sort out. Trust me, if any of my exes are reading this, and we don’t even speak anyone one of your fuckable homies is fair game. Hi Kaysha, this is Jean, Jewel’s old boyfriend, if you look anything like you did in the 12th grade, hit me up I’m on FaceBook. Yup, Retro Thirst… I’m quenching it for the world to see.
 
Acknowledging your presence in public
I personally haven’t had many girlfriends, but I’ve dated enough girls to absolutely dread the “random bump into each, let’s catch up and how you been” conversation. I haven’t seen nor spoken to you in the last 5 years; please don’t run up on me in public like you have been looking for me in day time with a flashlight. I swear to sweet baby Jesus, I’m going to tell you get the fuck on like homeless man begging for change. We don’t know each other anymore so just because my penis was in your mouth once upon a time, don’t think I owe you 5 to 10 minutes of fake conversation. I’m extremely Google friendly, and my cell phone number hasn’t changed in over 10 years, you could have found me. I’m also pretty sure if I was interested I could have found you too… message. If you see me in the streets, and we make eye contact (and ONLY if we make eye contact… Don’t go screaming my name across shopping malls and shit) toss me the head nod. I’ll toss one back in your direction then keep it pushing.
 
Honorable mentions that don’t really deserve any explanations
Accepting FaceBook friend request
Following back on Twitter
Happy holiday/ birthday text and/or emails
Returning any phone calls or replying to any other forms of communication
And my personal favorite; doing any sorts of favors i.e. No I won’t hand your resume off to my boss; why on God’s green Earth would I want to work with you.
 
Think of your ex like a car you sold; once you let it go you lost all the perks.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Economy and You

Before we get into this, I just want to say that I may be one of the worst people to talk about the state of the economy because if it wasn’t for the Washington Post and constant contact with large quantities of broke people, I wouldn’t know shit about it. I have job security, real money in the bank (not just enough to keep them from closing the account), a 401k, and at this current moment Louis Vuitton shoes on my feet. I said all that to say, I’m not hurting in the slightest; nevertheless, I still relate to the plight of the poor people in the “Jay-Z still rapping about selling drugs” kind of way.

So, this morning I’m making my daily visit to MSNBC.com and this headline literally jumped off my screen “Lawyer turns topless dancer to pay the bills”. It’s the story of a woman in her mid 30’s that got laid off from her firm, ran thru her savings, and was facing eviction until she bit the bullet, and set them titties out. I have to respect that; she’s out here doing what she has to do to keep her head above water. She probably will get a Lifetime movie of the week in the near future; so stayed tuned.

Aside from pole dancing lawyers, 1 in 6 Americans live below the poverty line (makes less than 22,350 yearly) that means at least one person reading this blog is poor as fuck. The economy is still all the way fucked up, but there’s still money out here, and definitely ways to keep some money in your pockets.

Is your pride keeping you down?
I know a lot of people with a chest full of pride, and a pocket full of lint. There are jobs out here; some of these gigs might not be as glamorous as we’d like them to be, but they’ll keep a check coming. You can’t be too good to push a vacuum in an office building, when that final notice for your electricity comes in the mail. You can’t be above working overnight security, when there’s an eviction notice taped to your door. You can’t be beyond flipping burgers, when the repo man is staking out your house. If you’re a citizen of the US, there’s no way you can’t find a job no matter how fucked up your resume may be. I see foreigners all the time with 2 and 3 jobs, and these folks can hardly speak English. Don’t wait until the unemployment runs out and all the bill collectors are coming at your neck to decide it’s time to fill out the Wal-Mart application.

Are you living beyond your means?
You bring home 3k a month but your monthly expenses come up to 2,987 leaving you with a whopping 13 bucks to drop into the old savings account. If you don’t already know, I’m telling you now; you’re fucking up. If you actually have to save up and budget to pay for simple things like a new TV, a tune-up for your car, or a weekend out of town, you’re not living right. If you’re making like 12 bucks an hour living by yourself, riding the bus and living check to check, I can’t knock that; but, if you’re outside that minimum wage range and trying to keep up with the Jones’s, that’s all bad.

Are you financing your life?
Even with the credit being all fucked every single day I see a new credit card commercial with some sort of crazy incentive. Their talking to somebody; is that somebody you? Your outfit for the club for Howard Homecoming; do you still Master Card something on that? You copped that 60inch flat screen with Blu Ray player and surround sound, but you tossed it on the Best Buy card. In my personal opinion, you should not finance anything other than cars and homes. So that leather sectional with matching end table you’ve been eyeballing, but your cash isn’t quite long enough to buy it out right… you might want to pass on that. Trust me, that won’t be the last couch they make, and by the time you get your money up, you might not be feeling it anyway.

I feel your money woes just in a 3rd person kind of way
Jean DeGrate wants you to get your money up

7 Seven Subtle Signs That He Might Not Be Shit

Somehow, someway women still manage to get swept off their feet by niggas that aren’t fit to raise a goldfish. These ain’t shit niggas dog them out and in worst case scenarios knock them up then get missing. Half of those little bastards you saw on Halloween parading up and down the street begging for candy are bastards for real because their daddies are MIA like they got killed in Iraq. So today I’m going to do a public service in attempt to limit fatherless children and bitter bitchhood (bitter bitchhood I’m coining that phrase) I give you all the 7 subtle seven signs that he might not be shit. You’re welcome.
 
1. He has every pair of Jordan’s and or Foamposites
Before anybody jumps to conclusion we aren’t talking about legitimate sneaker heads that actually collect shoes or rich guys. I’m talking about Tyrone that lives on top of the hill that drives a 1998 Impala, lives in a one bedroom apartment and has a job where he’s required to wear a name tag. Now that guy he ain’t shit.
 
2. He has a top of the line cell but not much else
He got that white iPhone 4S the day it came out but now he’s flat fucking broke. The message here is his priorities are all the way fucked up, but he’s going pull some bad bitches with iPhone though because bitches love iPhones.
 
3. He refers to women in regular conversation as bitches
I’m not talking about in a derogatory sense but before he thinks woman he thinks bitch i.e. “Oh, I know where we at now my man had a bitch that stayed around the corner from here” or “I love the bitches that work in my dentist’s office, they always take care of me”. This guy has pimp like tendencies and he’s going to try to get that money up off of you.
 
4. He stashes his condoms in his own home
If it’s about to go down and he goes into the DVD case for Ghostbusters II and pulls out a magnum that nigga ain’t to be trusted.
 
5. He bums cigarettes from strangers
You know who ask for shit from strangers? Homeless people, but when homeless do it they’ve loss everything including their pride. So when a gainfully employed man does it he’s a fucking leech.
 
6. He owns a Scarface poster
It’s only acceptable for girls to own posters and when I say girl I actually mean females that aren’t old enough to vote. So when a grown man has a picture of a fictional drug dealer plastered on his wall and he’s not a famous gangster rapper he’s just a fucking lame.
 
7. He smokes around kids
Stand up men don’t smoke around kids. They understand the health risk and just might fire up the loud pack right next to their man that still on papers but let a child walk into that room. That same guy will put that shit out then hop up and open a window. But ain’t shit niggas don’t care if the youth has cancer and in turn they don’t care about the future.
 
Go head run down this checklist compare with your dude
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The First Phone Conversation Script

Last night, I was standing in front of my building smoking a Black, and I said to myself, "Jean, this dating thing would be a whole lot easier for everybody if folks really just said what they were looking for off top. You know what, Jean? You should blog about that." Yea, I come to these types of random epiphanies on the front stoop; I'm deep like that, sometimes. Or... it could be that 90% of my roster expects way more than me than I'm willing to give, and 90% of the time, it's clear that could have been avoided even before the first date when we watched a bootleg flick and ate carryout. I guess that's another blog... on with this one.

Everybody typically has the same first conversation questions. I don't know why people get nervous for first dates. After a couple of them you should already know how the Q&A session (I mean "date") will pan out. "How many kids do you have?" "Who do you live with?" "What do you do for a living?" "What do you like to do?" and so on so forth, blah blah blah blah blahhhhh. Pretty much, all bullshit because none of it really tackles what you REALLY need to know. So I propose this, before a movie date is set, Cosi salads are eaten, or happy hour shots are drank, you should find out what's really good on that first phone call. Set aside 45 minutes ,and ask...

Question 1: "What are you looking for exactly?"
Everybody is looking for something when talking to a perspective mate. Are you just looking for a shot of ass? There's absolutely nothing wrong with being strictly interested in sex, and we are all adults so there is no need to be coy when you can flat out say, "I just really want to fuck". There's probably a way more tactful way to say that, but, in case you're new to "Jean DeGrate has Spoken" you should know this isn't a blog built around politically correct shit. Other than that, some people might not want anything serious and just want to have a good time with a cool person or have a day-by-day approach. None of that may be your cup of tea if you're looking to settle down or wanting kids and/or even marriage in your not so distant future. This question alone can end a meaningless courtship before any feelings get involved.

Question 2 "Do you have a problem with...? Will it be a deal breaker?"
Everybody has his/her little quirks, pet peeves, serious fucking mental issues, and/or skeletons in closet. Lay that shit out there off top. You're a part-time lesbian. Word? You've got more charges than a stun gun. Oh ok. There's a video of you getting gang banged on World Star Hip Hop, but it's from your wild and crazy college years. Hmmm. Your baby mother is psycho and is prone to pull your toddler out of bed so she can come flatten the tires of whatever woman may be at your house after midnight. Oh, really now. Folks won't normally share these kind of things with you, but I'd much rather get rejected by a stranger than somebody I've been kicking it with, possibly have slept with, or (wait for it) caught feelings for. Plus, nobody wants to wake up to find their new boo crouched in the corner of the bedroom chewing on your underwear. If you're psycho, let a nigga know off top you're a crazy bitch.

Question 3 "How do you expect to be treated?"
Honestly, nobody is going to say, "Treat me like shit; I love to be dogged," but some people have standards and requirements that you might not be down to adhere to. I know damn well if a chick is expecting me to go half on her bills or drop cash for her hair and nails every week, I'm going to tell her to keep it pushing. He might want a chick to cater to him... come over, cook dinner, wash clothes, and clean. You might not be about that life. She might want a guy to send her roses just because and good morning text messages just to let her know he's thinking of her, but you may not have an unlimited text plan, be allergic to flowers, or just not be on your Simp shit.

Asking the hard questions and keeping real ain't hard, but oddly nobody at all is doing this shit.
Jean DeGrate is trying to help you

Are You Looking for Love or Are You Looking for Help?

There’s a mean ass dating double standard out here. Men are typically just looking for companionship with side of pussy, and women are looking for… well what women are looking for is a bit on the gray side of things. Most women have no clue what they are looking for so they just pretend to be looking for love instead of humbling themselves and admitting they are looking for a superhero to save their asses.
 
Men aren’t that complex when it comes to love
Being cool and fuckable will get you halfway to girlfriend status prior to you having to actually give up the pussy. A non-nagging, non-gold digging chick with good sex, up-to-par head, and a REAL job (somewhere you can get a W2 from) will have you meeting the parents in no time flat. Pretty much everything after that, like common interest, the ability to actually operate a stove, and living in her own place, are just extra perks. Yeah, that concludes the male section of the blog. I can’t even get deeper than that because that’s just how simple men are.
 
NOW… let’s talk about women…
 
The table
Every other woman (which is more like 4 out of 5 women) has this imaginary table, and it’s absolutely imperative to bring something to it. She already has shit on this table, and in order to even begin any kind of courtship you have to add even more shit to her existing shit. (I know women are complicated, but follow my logic people) Even if none of the shit on the table benefits you in the slightest, “as a man”, you need to bring something “to the table”. Women have a funny way of deciding what SHOULD be attractive to perspective mates, i.e. “Bitch, I got 3 months left at Sanz School. I’m a fucking catch.” Being a good dude is no longer good enough. You must be on her “level” or better. (Most bitches actually prefers better.) The reality of it all is there is no reason why a man should have to bring anything to the table other than good companionship and genuine intentions. If you’re a woman and about your shit, everything that you bring to the table should be good enough (this statement is more wishful thinking than anything else).
 
Looking for a Simp?
Almost every time I hear a woman lay out her requirements of a male, 70% of it has something to do with his financial status and worldly possessions. You need him to be God fearing? Check. At least 5’9”? Check. No more than 2 kids? Check. No criminal record? Check. After that… it’s all about the money, car, crib, homeownership status, making X amount a year, 401k, and so on and so forth. Bitch please… Why is a plus for a man to be a homeowner if you’re renting? Why are you looking for a man with more than you yet still expect to be treated like an equal? If I’m bringing more to the table than you… Fuck it… I’m the Boss (no Rick Ross). Pussy and wet mouf won’t get you an equal share in this partnership.
 
Keep it real
If you’re looking for a come up with maybe a splash of love on the side, go ahead and just say so. I won’t judge you… Hoe! But, I won’t deal with you either. You’re in search of a hero; somebody to help supplement those bills. There’s a guy out there willing to do all of that (as long as you’re fine, but you busted bitches need to fend for yourselves). That old school “men are the provider” role kicked the bucket about 40 years ago so you have to be fine or dating a fool that doesn’t know he could get pussy for less. If you’re really looking for love you and really want to be loved, then you need to cut some of that bullshit out of your criteria. Jamal, the head cashier at Safeway, might honestly be the man of your dreams even if he lives in his Grandma’s basement and drives a 1986 Honda Accord. You’ve got to keep it real with yourself and the niggas you’re dating so both of you know what you’re signing up for.
 
Pick a lane… love or money?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Top 5 Reasons Why I Can't Date a Fat Woman

I want you all to know before I even get started, I'm using the size guidelines society gave to gauge what a fat/large woman actually is. This shit here is not rocket science. I wear a large T-shirt and sometimes an extra large T-Shirt. If a woman can fit my large T-shirt, she must be a large bitch. If a woman is too big for my large T-shirt, she must be an extra-large bitch. I didn't invent these sizes, I just reapplied the logic for you larger than usual women. (Yes, I’m saying "large" because "fat" or "obese" tends to carry a negative connotation… I’m an asshole, but I’d like to keep my LARGE readers) Now, on with the blog…

Unless this is your first time reading my blogs, you already know I have a phobia of getting crushed by fat woman in my sleep. Aside from that, I have a huge assortment of other reasons why a heavyweight and I will never pan out.

1. She'll never look cute in my clothes
You know when a chick is prancing around the house with your T-shirt and panties on the morning after? You know when a chick scrambles your eggs topless in your boxers? If you’re getting pussy like JD, of course you do. If you aren’t reading this blog fantasizing about Ms. New Pussy in your white tee, you're probably used to dating wide-bodied women. Now, tell me what she cooks your eggs in… a bed sheet perhaps? I don’t care what you overweight lovers say, ain’t shit sexy about Queen Latifah wrapped in toga.

2. I might have to actually fight her
I'm a pretty strong guy. (On a good day I rep 320 on the bench.) So if my lady friend decides that she wants to put her hands on me, it's really nothing for me grab her and restrain her until finds her cool again. Now, dealing with a big chick, that fight might not be so easy. Dealing with her size alone is a fight in itself. While I'm wrestling with her weight trying to keep her cool, she will be actually landing punches… hard ass grown man type-of punches. It won't be long before I square up and start jabbing the big bitch in the face. I'm pretty sure before the night is over, I'll be sitting in somebody's jail cell waiting for my one phone call. I’m just saying dating petite bitches keeps me out of said domestic disputes.

3. Sex with the lights on is a no go
Most larger women rock some sort of apparatus to make their shape seem more flattering than it actually is. The more clothes she loses, the less appealing she'll become unless you fancy back rolls and FUPAs (Fat Upper Pussy Areas). Plus, I’ve never had any fantasies of fucking Stay Puff aka The Michelin Man.

4. Fat women generate heat
Big girls run hot like cars with busted radiators. Sure having a burly chick would come in handy if I got snowed in during a power outage, but keeping a fat chick on deck for just that instance would be fucking crazy. If while sitting on the couch, she decides to snuggle up on you, it’s like have a super nova lying in your lap. It will be a smooth 20 degree difference between under the covers to room temperature. She'll have my bed like a sauna every morning; I'd wake up 2 pounds lighter, in a pool of my sweat. Yeah, fuck all that.

5. I won't be able to save you
Heaven forbid a fire breakout and a wooden plank falls from the ceiling landing on your ankle breaking it… Guess who won't be carrying you to safety? This guy. At that very moment, it becomes a "you die or we both die" type-of situation, and I want to live. If somehow you end up hanging from the side of a building or the edge of a cliff, I can't pull you up. I don't even know if there is an exercise I can do to develop that lifting people of the ledge muscle group. You better hold on while I find some rope and build a pulley device. What if we're getting chased by zombies and you started wheezing and cramping up because you haven't moved your legs that fast since 3rd grade gym? Please know that I can't stand there and fight off the walking undead while you catch your breath, but while they feast on your flesh, it will give me a 10 to 15 minute lead on them.

Just in case you thought I had no basis in my prejudice.
Jean DeGrate is fucking a skinny woman tonight