Valentine’s Day Help For the Fellas

Us guys sometimes have a hard time putting our feelings into words and expressing ourselves accurately. We often undersell or oversell our emotional attachments, more over underselling than anything else though. So here we are coming up on this lovers’ holiday and the people that stock the greeting card aisle at CVS still haven’t taken the guys that aren’t head over heels in love into consideration. I realized it was time for me to step up and fight this injustice. Here’s the JD e-card Valentine’s Day line. You’re welcome.

5 Rules I live by in my 35 years on earth

My 36th birthday is literally days away; yep I’m washed and I’ve acquired little bit knowledge through the years that has aided me in creating these rules so I’ve decided to share some of them with you good folks. (It’s only 5 mainly because I plan on writing this blog in 10 minutes and I fully intended on writing this last week but shit happens.)

Anyway on with the blog…

Rule 1 - Condom sex

I’m old now and I can’t deal with all this bullshit concerning with the opposite sex so I created the Condom Sex Rule; it’s simple and it has everything to do with condoms but at the same time nothing at all. Any girl that I would consider having sex with I ask myself would “my life flash before my eyes if the condom broke?” “Would I jump off a cliff if she said “I’m pregnant and I’m keeping it””? If the answer is yes to either of these questions I don’t fuck her.

Rule 2 - Stop waiting on Karma

I’m not saying that Karma doesn’t exist but I personally don’t put any stock into it. Don’t waiting around for the universe to right wrongs or seek out revenge on your behalf. It’s a waste of time and waste of energy; just go on living your life.

Rule 3 – Being fake

It’s a lot of important parts to being an adult nobody is telling us as children and not that “why didn’t they teach us how to balance a check book or file our taxes in high school” bullshit, but nothing more important than being fake. Honesty is the best policy almost none of the time and speaking your mind is often a terrible idea even more so these days with social media being the beast that it is. If your brand of honesty is anything less than politically correct then you may need to be fake in all professional settings and some personal settings. Laugh at your bosses bad jokes pretend to be interested in your co-workers stories about their family vacations, “like” pictures on IG even if you don’t really like them and your professional and personal relationships will work much smoother.

Rule 4 - If she says she doesn’t do something but does it for you just roll with it

Seriously just roll with it no matter how minuet or common it might be. If she says doesn’t normally have guys over but you’ve been Netflix and chilling on the regular at her condo don’t say “oh girls always have me over” and fuck it up for yourself. As soon as you open your mouth to let her know it’s not a big deal get ready for big time attitude and immediate suspension of privileges.  Just as much as girls like to feel special they like to think they are doing some special shit for you even if it’s some mundane bullshit.

Rule 5 - Not being “that parent”

I have a kid. Surprise; a person used to live in my balls and now she’s 8 walking around playing Mind Craft on her cell phone and calling me daddy. Somehow someway I managed not to become “that parent”. The “you don’t understand because you don’t have kids” parent, the “I live my life for my kids because my life was pointless before them” parent or the “I can’t have and/or maintain healthy relationships because of my kids” parent. Kids are an addition to your life that results in changes and we all understand that even those without kids. When you start blaming your kids for every missed event, date and boy’s/girl’s night out you’re that parent.

These are my rules
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Why MOST Men under 30 Low Key Suck At Courting

Well high key suck actually

Court – to be involved romantically, typically with the intention of marrying.

You know building a life together and shit.

Now young men folk are great at dating; the MVP’s of that shit. Nobody can send good morning text messages with several emojis like these late 80’s and earlier 90’s babies. Nobody can slide into those DM’s like these social media savvy guys. Nobody can fake listen and act like we are legitimately interested in the shit that fascinates you like these dudes that post 5 selfies on IG a week. Nobody is more in the know of the new hot spots, bars and lounges than these vape pen carrying hookah smoking hipsters. Nope. When it comes to dating they are undefeated.

Now for all that courting shit, men on the underside of 30 stay fucking that up and here’s why…

He ain’t got no type
Bad bitches are the only things that he likes. As many times as I say a female’s dating criteria is written in pencil a man under 30 dating criteria doesn’t actually exist. You don’t believe me? Ask the guy you’re casually dating what he likes about you and prep yourself for an awkward pause followed by several generic accolades i.e. “You’re cool as shit”. Most of us men have a “No” list, like “no I won’t date her if she has 5 kids and 6 baby daddies” or “no I won’t date her if she’s homeless”. I might be down playing the vagueness of the “No” list but all men have one and that shit is ageless. Now honestly these guys don’t have a type so if they find you attractive and you seem cool you’ve already reached 95% of the needed criteria. Add that in with the first goal being sex and getting into a fruitful relationship is a very distant second makes them optimal causal daters and piss poor at courting. Not having a type is terrible for long term dating because without some sort of set parameters they can’t even begin to gauge how a woman will fit into their lives. Conflicting philosophies, different religions, varying life goals and even unalike dietary practices are things that can be grazed over in causal dating but can be the basis for failure during genuine courtship. I mean just imagine if she goes to the grocery store any bring back a fridge full of vegan bacon, veggie burgers and soy milk, but your nutrition regiment requires something to die so you can live.

It’s really all for you
And “for you” I mean for women. Chivalry is dead. Equality and women that don’t say thank you when you give them your seat on the subway killed that, but men are very much still in the business of pleasing women, all women; it’s almost instinctual. That guy that held the door for you at the mall on Black Friday even though you were 12 yards away from the entrance? He didn’t do that for you in particular; he did it for all women. That’s what he’s programmed to do. Yes, men are programmed to stand around holding open doors for random women. That’s not all, cologne, haircuts, clean clothes, the box office success of Twilight and Tyler Perry movies, Berry Ciroc sales and luxury automobiles are strictly for the benefit of women. Men are and always have been in the profession of trying to make women like them and turn it up as need be for the purpose of wooing without any long term goals.

Younger men are chameleons
Young men change with the trends of whatever women are into, but only during that phase in a man’s life before he starts buying clothes just not to be naked. Look up the hashtag #MCM on Instagram and every 3rd dude has a beard accompanied with some sort of fade haircut from the 90’s because that’s what women are into right now. Before this it was close cuts, goatees, wearing Beats headphones like an accessory and personality glasses. Before that it was dreds (my golden era). It’s a lot of men that pick up on these style cues and follow these favorable trends. He’s on his IG with his joggers, long t-shirt with zippers on the sides and Giuseppe’s looking like Future but 3 years ago he was wearing Jordan’s and premium denim. Our surface level sense of style and grooming aesthetic is up for modification to remain appealing to the fairer sex.

See the problem here is this…
While women often start planning out forever, marriage and kids without the presence of a possible suitor around the same age they start playing with Barbie; men don’t develop the emotional farsightedness to see further beyond seeing you naked until much later in life. Young men put so much effort into being the man for you (well, a man you’d potentially sleep with) they fail to see if you’re the women for them. They often wake up next to strangers they’ve dated for months. He’ll know the basics like your favorite restaurant and not to text or call during Love & Hip Hop but he doesn’t know if he really likes you as a person. Finding long term compatibility is a shot in the dark but she phat ass shit though and that will work for right now.

Dating All Stars and courtship novices
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Why Black Twitter salary discussions don’t matter in real life

Hold let me turn on my mood music… *queues up Future’s “Fuck up some commas”*

You’re probably poor. Blog over. Now stop tweeting about it.

Okay you need a bit more than that. Cool. I’ll play along.

First just the facts

The median income in the United States of America is about 27k a year (or 135 $200 dates or 1,228 2 for $22 at Friday’s), so most of you motherfuckers only make $13 an hour. That means the $15 an hour “working wage” people are pushing for is about 3k more than what the average person is making right now. The average household income is 50k and 2 thirds of Americans make less than 42k a year. But guess what? Black people on average are making less than that (even with us colored folks dominating the NFL and the NBA); yes, black households only average around 35k. Unless you’re secretly flipping bricks and trapping out the bando while avoiding the IRS; the odds, the stats and the Man, that’s keeping you down, all say you’re poor (or at least a 2 out of 3 chance that you’re poor).

Women date broke men on a regular basis

A woman’s dating criteria more times than not is subjective at best and that’s a reach. If you listen to the average black woman’s type of 6 feet plus, bearded, tattooed, 1 or no kids, own car, own home and making an excess of 100k you know most men aren’t making the cut. If any of that held true myself and a lot of 5’11 and under brothers would be forever alone. Let’s keep it 100 though MOST women’s conditions are written in dry erase marker. Right now it’s a chick reading this on her cell phone riding the train into work because her unemployed, 5’7, baby faced boyfriend needed her car today to “run errands”. Two years ago “Netflix and chill” wasn’t even a thing now it’s the go to move. Binge watching OITNB while eating take-out from Outback and he doesn’t need to drive as long as he puts something on that Uber for the ride there and back. Prove me wrong and retweet this blog if you never let a broke nigga camp out in your pussy in your adult life.

You’re against the living wage

It’s crazy stupid funny how many average ass people are AGAINST the living wage. Do you think the prices at Walmart are going to sky rocket and that multi flavor 30 pack of Top Ramen is going to be $3 over the $2.50 you’re used to paying? I promise you implementing the living wage won’t eliminate the dollar menu at McDonald’s. It’s a 99% chance it won’t affect your life at all if you make more than $15 an hour currently. I would jump into the math of how it’s actually better for the economy and your taxes but I’ll save that shit for another blog. See the real reason you don’t want the living wage is you don’t want Daquan at Arby’s driving the same 08 Impala as you. Chances are you’re an old… “See, I’m washing lettuce. Soon, I’ll be on the fries, then the grill. In a year or two, I’ll make assistant manager and that’s where the big bucks start rolling in.” ass nigga and you don’t want to see anybody come up too fast shining on you. By the way that’s a “Coming to America” quote for all you 90’s baby. Plus if they up minimum wage how you going to tell another person to act their wage when you only making $2 more?

You give way too many fucks about how other people spend their money

Seriously you give way too many fucks and this is probably because you’re not balling. Sallie Mae trying to get that loan money off you. Eastern Motors wants every bit of that 38% financing on that 08 Impala with 200k miles on the dash. Child support got your check looking humble like you’ve been flipping burgers part-time instead of putting in 40 hours at your desk job. No matter the reason you’re so opinionated about how people spend money that didn’t come out of your pocket that you take it to social media and rant about people buying Jordan’s, weaves, iPhones and whatever shit is popping on the timeline. You make stupid comparisons like “if niggas wasn’t buying hover boards you’d have cars” like a hands free scooter is the same price as a Camry. Let these people buy the H&M x Balmain line in peace.

Twitpic your W-2 or shut the fuck up
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Me, Religion and Zack Morris

I was watching last night’s episodes of “Truth Be Told” you know (wishfully thinking but most likely you don’t know), its the new Zack Morris sitcom on NBC in the doomed Friday night slot when all the people that might watch this show are out doing way cooler shit. It’s not the best show but it’s not the worst show and I like Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris) and Tone Bell (a sitcom regular black guy with a beard). I’m 100% sure the show will be canceled shortly and 2000% sure it will never see a second season. Anyway last night’s episode was touching on religion or basically Zack Morris character’s preference to not raise his daughter with religion. Shocking isn’t it? TV taboo even.

Funny thing about it is… that’s my exact take on parenting and religion but, exclusively for children that used to live in my balls. I am not the “push my ideology on everybody else” type of guy. And no I’m not I’m an atheist or an agnostic (there is a difference), I’m Catholic but all the same there is no Santa or Jesus in the DeGrate household (minus my Jesus pieces and rosary beads and crosses). Until last week I thought the tooth fairy was still holding it down for me but Madi told me randomly “I know you’re the tooth fairy; I know you’re giving me money, I’ve always known.” Before you question me on letting the tooth fairy have her shine but no Jesus or Santa; the tooth fairy actually serves a purpose and those other guys not so much. How else am I going to get a 5 year old to allow me to snatch a tooth out of her head without the false belief of some mythical Tinkerbelle like creature is going to give her money? Oh Ok then.

See the thing is this… I’m not 100% sure; fuck it I’m not even 35% sure I’d be religious if I wasn’t raised Catholic. As a child when I was too young to know any better they spoon fed me Jesus, the boogie man, Santa and the tooth fairy. As I got older they pull the rug on all the other shit but allowed Jesus to cook I guess because he died for my sins and all. So here I am 35 going on 36 praying to a guy (or guys and a spirit) that I’m not sure I’d have stock in if I would have discovered the faith today. Like imagine having no concept of religion and stumbling across a bible at your local Flea Market (because you hipsters love flea markets). You picked it up 99 cents because its leather bound and the pages are gold leafed and if nothing else it will look cool sitting on your coffee table next to that piece of drift wood you picked up at Rehoboth beach last summer. Two days later your WiFi is down, there isn’t shit on TV and your cell service sucks in your apartment so you can’t even get on Twitter and there is the bible staring you in the face. (This shit is about to get real blasphemous so all my die hard bible fans and Jesus freaks it’s time to tune out.) “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God”… How Sway and what the fuck does that even mean? Let’s say you skip all that and go to the dope stories like the Tower of Babel when the people were building a tower to heaven which seems mighty improbably since outer space exist an air gets very thin at extreme heights. Or how about Noah’s ark when they put two of each animal (predator and prey) on a boat and nobody ate anybody for 40 days and 40 nights; plus do you know how big a boat would have to be to fit two of each animal. Mad logistical flaws in these bible stories b; it could be the centuries separating the "word of God" and modern science, but as a grown-up it would be hard to swallow. Then we have all the savage shit that we just politely skip over in the bible like all that God sanctioned rape, murder and slavery. What type of God is pro-slavery and anti-shrimp? Shrimp is wonderful and slavery has been time tested as a rather shitty practice. I mean some people are allergic to shellfish but everybody is allergic to being whipped into submission as a slave.

As an adult I have a difficult time sorting through what should be applied to life and what shouldn’t be. I mean are women second class citizens or nah? In my times of need I just ask for guidance over turning to the good book. So how do I deliver this convoluted labyrinth of “religion” to my child? Instead I just install sound morals in my child and leave Jesus out of it. I leave that to her in adulthood to choose the path that was force upon me.

Maybe this isn’t so much Zack Morris and more me, Madi and religion
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Too “Good” for a Man

About a month ago some article from some arbitrary blog site rehashed some stats from a Forbes article from 2013 stating how single women outnumber single men greatly. Unfortunately for women the stats still hold true because in my city alone (DC) single women outnumber single men something like 17 to 1 (65k more single women than men), but Philly, NYC, Boston and Atlanta are in the same boat. Pretty much if you’re on the east coast and own a vagina its slim pickings. They again these are just stats and you’re a “Good” woman so you’ll rise above the rest right?

The price of pussy is on the decline
I’m not saying this because girls like me a little bit and I’m blindly fooled into thinking everybody is just at privileged as I am. Nope. The price of the brick has gone down. We can blame market saturation (which directly reflects to the first paragraph). We can blame it on social media. We can blame it on chivalry slowly dying out. We can blame it on the price of tea in China but sex is much easier to get than it once was. As the things that were once considered taboo are now general practice and acts that would once classify a woman as a hoe are waning; all the hoops us men folks used to have to jump through for sex have greatly downsized. Once upon a time men used to have to go outside and attempt to spark up conversations with complete strangers in order to get dates. Those days are so far behind us to the point they have a “new” name for trying to speak to and/or compliment women you don’t know, it’s called “street harassment”.

Other women are fucking up the game for you because you’re too good
Things that you aren’t willing to do for a man or deal with from a man because you’re too good (or whatever reason you have cooked up to place yourself above certain things), there’s a woman your parallel willing do just those things. Threesomes? She’s here for that. Multiple kids by different women? She can deal with that. Take out Chinese food and Netflix “come over and chill” dates? She’s cool with that because she’s more of a homebody anyway. Before you take me down this “Why would a man want a woman willing to deal with this that and the third” bullshit the better question is “why wouldn’t he”. Seriously, why wouldn’t he? Why wouldn’t he won’t nudes on demand? You don’t send those but the other women are. Why wouldn’t he a woman that’s down to come through and wash his clothes? You don’t because you don’t do wife things without a ring but the other women are doing it all the time. Why would he want to wait for some made up amount of dates/days before sex? You don’t have sex when you feel like it because you’ve place set rules before you can allow a man to have you but the other women don’t live by such limitations. So why would he settle for less from you when he can get more from your equivalent?

What you consider “good” doesn’t really translate as well as you think
I’ve said this a few times before but it can stand to be restated a few more times (or every day of my life), but all the things that you may think that makes you a good woman doesn’t mean as much as it does to the men you’d like to date. Being independent is dope and all but that’s part of being a grown up and not as big as a selling point as women make it out to be. The same goes for living on your, maintaining a job, having good credit and owning a vehicle as need be. All grown up shit. Being a good mom is dope for your children but sticking “Kayla’s mom” in your Twitter and Instagram bios isn’t winning over as many guys as you may think. Your designer clothing might have all your homegirls jealous and just because your favorite rapper name drops “Celine” hangbags in his club banger and you happen to own 1 to guys it either means nothing to us or worst it means you’re high maintenance. Whilst you might perceive these attributes as something that is pushing you above the competition none of these things ultimately mean shit to us for the most part. Things that hold a bit more value are… How much of what makes you, you came out of a bottle, a bag of hair or from a surgeon’s scalpel? How much attitude are we going to have to deal with on a regular basis? Can you hold an hour long conversation that consists of more than celebs, reality TV and gossip about your “friends” and family? How crazy are you? How crazy is your baby daddy? Are you looking for a man or looking for a sponsor? Do you look good naked or is it all fancy camera angles and waist trainers keeping your allure up?

You don’t compete
You’re way more average than you’d like to believe. You’re not a star. You’re everyday people. Sorry. You’re not a queen and probably not a boss either. Your halfcocked get rich schemes don’t make you a hustler. There are a whole lot of women out here just like you. They dress like you. Make money like you. Drive the same Accord/Malibu/3 series BMW/C class Benz just like you. How can you afford not to make a move on something you like? How can you afford to not try a little harder to stay high on the radar of suitors that interest you? I mean it’s 17 of you for everyone of him. You’re too good for all that right? You’re a good woman and good women deserve to be chased, wined and dined by guys on their level.

What if I told you Prince Charming isn’t coming because the not too “Good” girls have him busy?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Concept of Marriage… Men Have it Right

I remember when my close friend Jason told me he got engaged, but first let me describe the closeness of our relationship. We go back to the 5th grade, playing basketball at recess. We’ve debated everything under the sun twice; from the existence of God to what rap label had the best hot streak (it was No Limit Records, don’t debate this). I know his parents and he knows mine. I’ve eaten dinner at his parents’ house countless times to the point that his father started cooking with me in mind. His little sister calls me her big brother. I was best man at his and his brother’s weddings. His daughter plays with my daughter. Yeah we’re that close, but like I was saying I remember when he told me he got engaged. He was in Delaware, where his now wife was living at the time, looking around in a jewelry store killing time and just like that he saw the ring he was going to propose with. See just in that moment he realized the girl that he was dating should be his wife. Just in that instant he recognized the need to be with her forever. Prior to that conversation we had never spoken about marriage.

We ascend to marriage naturally...
Wait I’m not saying that the way women go about marriage is unnatural, but that shit is peculiar as fuck. The current model of marriage for most women goes something like this…
A. Set dinner renovations for 2.
B. Show up to the restaurant alone.
C. Wait and hope someone joins you that meets your preset requirements.
I’m pretty decent with words and as convoluted as that premise may seem, that’s about as accurate as I can get (it literally took me 30 minutes to come with that 22 word analogy). Now, we men folk, take a much different route to marriage. We live our lives, chase a few dreams, accomplish a few goals and in-between it all that we date some. Out of that dating we might find love and out of that love we might decide to make the trip to Jared and marry that woman. Unlike our women counterparts the ideal of being married and being someone’s husband isn’t drummed into our heads. There is nothing taboo about being an unmarried 45 year old man (excluding being the old guy in the club, don’t be that guy). Marriage doesn’t exist to us until we have somebody we want to marry and not before.

Wanting to be married over wanting to get married...
Men don’t hold any preference in the pageantry of the ceremony or the engagement. We won’t be plastering IG with pictures of the diamond we got for you. Our tux is a rental along with the shoes and the cufflinks. When this day is over our wedding socks and boxer briefs will go into the laundry pile just like everything else and will soon be forgotten. All the spectacles on the path to saying “I do” is all for the women. We just want to be married and it doesn’t matter that much on how it all comes to be. There are no dream weddings for us. “Always a groomsman never a groom” – said no man ever in the history of matrimony. On the flipside, I know single women, and not that “if you’re not married you’re single” bullshit, but legitimately single women who spent the weekend cuddling up with Netflix and Talenti gelato that already selected songs to walk down the aisle too.

Marriage is a goal for women...
It’s hard wired into women that marriage is a goal. “Get my master’s by 25. Have my career off the ground by 26, 27 at the latest. Be a home owner by 28. Engaged by 29 and married by 31. First kid by 33 and second kid by 35; 1st a boy and then a girl. Visit Paris before turning 40.” A woman will look you in the eyes then lay down a timeline similar to that of her life goals and be dead fucking serious. How Sway? Trust me she doesn’t have the answers. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times women have told me “I expected to be married by now”. There is no mathematically equation or statistical analysis that leads them here. Nope. Women have been sold an imperfect and dated logic; the fairy tale of marriage. All the fairy tale movies Walt Disney has been dishing out, making little girls dream of being princesses and waiting around for Prince Charming to come and save them. Mothers giving daughters tip on how to be good wives. Even reality TV pushes the image of  marriage. Little boys don’t want to be princes they want to be wrestlers. Fathers and other male role models don’t push the idea of being a potentially good husband, they might tell you how to pick up some girls and promote condom use.

In your dreams of marriage does your groom have a face?
Jean DeGrate has spoken