5 Signs You'll Never Get A Ring

You cook, you clean, you never smell like onion rings, and you suck dick like you invented sex. Yet somehow your ring finger remains bare. Your "hims" enjoy all you have to offer, then go back into the world to flourish with other females. I could blame it on your unrealistic standards, but I've already told that story. In all honesty, you're probably just not the marrying kind, and the jump from fiancé (because almost any bitch can get an engagement ring, especially around tax time) to wife is just far too wide for a man to consider making for you, at least in your current state. I wrote this list to put you ladies up on game. Hell if you change a few things, you might even be able to snatch you a hubby (and not the made-for-twitter kind, but the kind you can file taxes with).
1. You make a spectacle of yourself
Some of you hoes are just plain ratchet. I'm talking you purple braid wearing power ranger dressing ass hoes. Yep, you ratchet bitches who love posing in front of the Moet backdrop at GoGo's holding a beer. Some of you ladies are a bit too outspoken. I'm talking you stand behind every cause, fighting the power, raging against the machines ass women. Yep, you outspoken bitches who bought stock in Skittles just to #StandwithTrayvon and you still harbor deep hate for the Tea Party. Some of you bitches are attention whores. I'm talking about you joints who make it a point to drop thirst traps and make lusty conversation via social media. Yep, you're an attention-seeking whore who just posted, "lonely and naked on this rainy night", that tweet is precisely why you will be lonely for many a rainy night to come.  All that might be dope enough that you have 47 unanswered DMs and 50 unread text messages, but it ain't necessarily worth the trip to Jared. You have no chill and it would suit you to acquire some.

2. You're boring
You're a homebody. You take more naps than a newborn baby. Your hobbies include: sitting on the phone in silence, taking your bra off after work, wrapping your hair before the sun sets, reading "Fifty Shade of Gray" for the 3rd time, and replying to fun ideas by saying some variation of "you're doing too much". The ability to be perfectly happy doing nothing at all is dope if you're snowed in, broke, or can't find a babysitter for the night, but outside of that, the boring bitch role gets real old real fast. Plus, it's really hard to imagine growing old with somebody who's already acting like she belongs in a retirement home. Every night can't be a suck-his-dick-midway-thru-the-Redbox type of night.

3. Your sex is not as dope as you think it is
I don't think there's a woman on the face of the earth who doesn't think her pussy isn't everything (or at least lead every male suitor to think she believes that even if history has proven otherwise). Sex is a big thing to men. You know how they say, "women think about sex just as often as men do"? Just know "they" are fucking idiots; men are actively trying to make sex happen. Niggas invest more into getting sex, mentally, physically, and financially. With that said, you need to have that keep a nigga coming back pussy. And I'm not talking about coming back the next night. I'm talking about pussy that a nigga feels he can come back to at least 3 times a week for a lifetime. Wait, before you think you have the golden box, 3 times a week for years ain't shit if he hasn't bought the ring yet. It's hard to tell if you have dope pussy because we as men with our kind hearts will tell you it's awesome, even if that's furthest from the truth. We will come back to the pussy, time and time again. cause for real. sometimes there just ain't shit else to do. Here's the general rule of thumb: if you can't end a heated argument by getting naked, your pussy ain't all you might think it is.

4. Your kids
Meeting an attractive, single, non-lesbian, childless black woman over 27 is a small feat on to itself. I know about 5, but I know endless baby mothers. ENDLESS. I know more women with kids than I know women with cars. Being a single mom is already tough enough, but if your kids aren't likable. sweetheart the road ahead is going to be filled with loneliness. When a man marries you, he's also marrying those kids, and whatever that comes along with them. If your fuck trophies are unruly, ugly, and ill-mannered you'll never cross from girlfriend to wife.

5. You're FUCKING CRAZY
Women as a gender are crazy, but it's levels to this shit. Most of you are just "this bitch be tripping" crazy which is fairly easy to work around because of the commonality of the affliction. "This bitch be tripping" crazy is equivalent of the common cold when it comes to mental instability. Now for the rest of you that suffer from clinical grade insanity issues this paragraph is for you. You're an emotional roller coaster without experiencing anything of note. The man in your life can't even begin to comprehend how you of from zero to sixty and back again over the smallest shit and probably won't stick around long enough to figure it out. Maybe you saw your dad punch your mom in the face, perhaps you didn't get hug enough as a child or whatever it is that makes you go bouncing off the wall is unbearable for short periods of time let alone a lifetime. Seek help. Real help; don't call your girlfriends up to talk about your issues while you sip merlot. Consult with a psychiatrist, spend that 80 bucks a week then let him help sort thru your issues and subscribe some drugs that will keep you on the level.

Get your shit together and you might find a man to grow old with you
Jean DeGrate has spoken