How to Cheat

Because anything worth doing is worth doing well

Not that I’m a cheater and not that any of you care if I am or not but I felt the need to state it nonetheless. I’ve been trained by the Jedi masters of sleeping around. Nope, not some crew of super pimp player ass guys. I’ve been trained by the best that have ever done it; vagina owners. Nobody does it better. Chances are if your girl is cheating on you’ll never find out. Anyway, let me get this started.

1. Get a side piece that knows they are a side piece

One of the worst things you can do to yourself is trying to juggle two or more relationships and keeping everybody in the dark. YOU ARE GOING TO FUCK THIS UP. You’ll laugh before the joke because you’ve already seen the new Tyler Perry movie with your main chick. You’ll mix up dates. You’ll forget to move your side chick’s shampoo out of the shower and put back your main chick’s razor and body wash. “Donte, whose “Crème of Nature” shampoo is this?” At that moment you will know the jig the is up. You will sleep much better with a side piece that knows what it is. Plus you can say shit like “Be quiet for a second this is my girl calling I got to take this” and your side piece will actually shut up.

2. Safe sex

You can be the Floyd Mayweather of getting pussy on the side but when you bring that chlamydia home shit is going to get real and you’ll really wish you were Mayweather when she’s trying to take your head off with a baseball bat. It’s going to be a no brainer that you’ve been fucking around. Her last doctor’s appointment said everything was AOK and that was 3 months ago and she’s been letting you hit it raw for 9 months. Yep all arrows will point to you. On the bright side; setting your Jordan’s on fire and carving “cheater” into the hood of your 2008 Impala with a kitchen knife will make you a legend on Twitter and Instagram.

3. Leave that social media alone

All that liking and commenting on pictures is the fastest way to throw up a red flag; even if you aren’t doing shit but liking and commenting people always assuming those DM’s are doing the most. Just yesterday a female homie told me a dude she doesn’t KNOW AT ALL started following her on IG liked a few pictures and a few days later his girl was in her DM’s asking her if her dude was sleeping with her man. Now in this case this girlfriend is a bit over the top but your seemingly saner significant other is still paying attention and suspicion will lead to you getting caught up.

4. Cash is king

Swiping creates a paper trail that you can’t explain away; especially if it doesn’t correlate with the lie you already have in place. If you went to your brother’s house to help mount his TV and setup a new entertainment center then 1 beer turned into 12 and next thing you knew it’s 7am and you’re found sleeping on his couch with crust in your eyes and morning breath. That’s a very believable story, until your credit card statement comes next month with a $42.56 charge from the Waffle House at 12:57am.

5. You don’t “own” your side piece

Don’t catch feelings. Don’t get jealous. Don’t expect loyalty. You’re cheating and it’s a dirty game. If you see that your side piece Man Crush Monday is Andre that works at the Auto Zone on MLK you just got to keep on scrolling. If you happen to run into your side piece out on a date you got to act like you didn’t even see her. Don’t send that “WYD” text. Don’t be that guy. Your time together is your time together and your time apart is your time apart.

6. Don’t give all your free time to the side piece

Slipping away every chance you can, will get you caught. Canceled 3 of the last 4 date nights so you could be out in the streets with your sideline joint and your girl will notice. If you’re a “get off at 5pm and pressing the elevator button at 4:59pm” type of person you can’t suddenly become Mr. Company Man and start “working late” 3 nights a week. When the “Why don’t we go out anymore?” and the “How come you’re always working now?” questions come the shit is moments away from hitting the fan.  If you can’t stand being around your significant other that much it’s time to break up and just be free. Your side piece is a vacation home and should be treated as that; take your ass home sometimes.

7. No Pictures

As a child I learned never to take pictures with guns, drugs or side bitches. 25 years later it’s still valid. Don’t let her take no selfies in your car even if you’re not in the picture; remember your son’s car seat is. Matters of fact don’t let her take any selfies anywhere: not in your bedroom, not in your bathroom, not in your living room. Don’t even let her take pictures of her food for the Gram when you’re out with her; don’t nobody give a fuck about that jambalaya pasta from the Cheesecake Factory anyway. You don’t need a stockpile of nudes. She sent you a nude? Cool, look at it for 30 seconds then delete it. All that shit is evidence. You’re not making a memory book you’re having an affair. Be a fucking adult and stop making Kodak moments.

Now go off into the world and unfaithfully flourish
Jean DeGrate has spoken

6 things to STOP doing for the 2015

I know I haven't been cranking out the blogs over the last few months because I've been super busy. I'm going to do better in the new year and I mean I'm really going to do it not in that "in the new year I'm going to be in the gym" kinda way.

But here's a list blog because everyone loves a list blog...

1. Stop taking pictures of receipts and posting them on the web

We get it you buy shit. Dinners, clothing, shoes and all types of other dope shit. We don’t need the proof that you bought your dinner. We don’t care how much you dropped at the mall today.

2. Stop posting all your massive coupon gains

Yeah it’s cool if you got a 65 inch Samsung 4k TV for a 1000. Please post that shit and post all the info of how you acquired it at such a dope price. Now if you obsessively sorted and collected coupons to buy 3 shopping carts full of dishwashing liquid for an average of 26 cents a bottle nobody gives a fuck excluding other manic couponers.

3. Stop dressing your little boys like the 4th member of the Migos

No explanation needed.

4. Stop making public record of your hoeness

Ladies if you’re going through “baes” like bundles of weave you might want hold off professing your new found love until you get a season change or two under your belt. Trust me posting pictures and the details about your latest bi-monthly HIM with only make you seem kinda hoey. You might be deleting your hoeness in your mind but Facebook and Instagram are keeping track. Kim we know you’ve got at least 5 new bodies in 2014.

5. Stop giving credit for shit that doesn’t cost anything

Let me elaborate on that right quick… You posted 10 selfies this morning and your new boo likes all 10 within a minute of you posting them then you praised him for it. No. Stop that shit. You shouldn’t receive praise for double tapping a picture on your screen of your cellphone with your thumb.  The same goes with “Good Morning” text and clever use of emojis.

6. Stop being thirsty PUBLICLY

This goes out to mostly men but some of you women are thirsty as fuck too.  These days it’s so easy for your thirst to be exposed to the masses via the invention of the devil known as “the screenshot”. Every text, FB inbox, DM, G Talk and email can fall victim to “the screenshot” releasing all the creep shit you’ve said in confidence to social media. I don’t personally know the scorn of having “Girl I want to eat your ass for Sunday dinner” posted on twitter but I’ve seen it and cried from laughter. Exposing thirst has sent many into social media exile and with that said why would you want to say some wild shit out in the open for the world to see? You really want to be the guy to openly say “Inbox me if you want me to buy your rent and eat your pussy”?

Just STOP
Jean DeGrate has spoken

4 More Things Men should be Telling Women but We Don’t

From 5:22am to about 6:05am this morning I spent sitting on the floor in my bedroom digging out shoe boxes looking for a pair of shoes that I donated to charity 3 years ago. Welp. During this fruitless search I discovered the book “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” snuggled between 2 pairs of shoes I forgot existed covered in a lifetime’s worth of dust. I don’t read Harry Potter nor do I know anybody that publicly admits to reading Harry Potter that has been through puberty in the last decade. “Oh yeah a woman must have left it here” and in the trash it went and this brings me to my first point…

Take EVERYTHING with you when you leave

In my dream bachelor pad before entering the main living quarters you have to go through a security check point where females will be ask to disrobe by TSA agents and all their clothing and personal belongs will be put into a storage locker. Afterwards they will be handed one of those “Orange is the New Black” jumpsuits and their cell phone then be allowed entry. We can dream, can’t we? Because nothing like that will ever remotely fly. I don’t know if it is intentionally, unintentionally or subconsciously, but women always leave something. You know you walked in here with 2 earrings on and this $3 bottle of Moscato; please take that shit with you.

We Want to Break Up

Excluding the big end all be all argument that will have you sitting Indian style on the living room floor divvying up DVDs while trying to figure out who really has the right to take “The Five Heartbeats” on Blu-ray when they leave; every man I know wanted to break up with his girl way before he actually did it (or forced her to do it for him). We men are cowards in the break up department. You want to know why men don’t like settling down. One of the main factors is because we dread breaking up. Getting to all the reasons why is an entirely different blog in itself just know he’s been laying beside you for 70 straight mornings thinking “How the fuck can I get out of this smoothly”.

Shut Up

Time and time again I’ve found myself on the receiving end of some pointless gossip story about people I’m only familiar with via other pointless gossip stories. I think it’s part of the sex contract that you have to listen to these stories if you’ve seen her naked more than 4 times. “Remember when I told you about Kesha that got pregnant by her cousin’s baby father but she ain’t know it was her cousin’s baby father because they never met so when she found out she had an abortion?” (Side note – Are they still making new Keshas? I haven’t come across a Kesha born after 89 like ever in life. I think they discontinued that name.) “Well now she’s full on dating the cousin’s baby father. They are on Instagram posting selfies together. Look at this picture. She had the audacity to caption it “the heart wants what the heart wants”. These hoes ain’t loyal.” In reply we say “Oh my god, that’s crazy.” But our souls are screaming “Shut up don’t nobody care about that shit.”

This ain’t going to work

We as in men often come across women we’ve loved to see naked but know that we can’t actually turn that relationship into anything significant. Everything about them goes against the grain of everything that makes us, us. She’s a vegan, gym rat, tree hugger, that drives a Prius and does volunteer work on the weekends and you on the other hand drive a 92 Bronco that gets 4 miles to the gallon highway and your dream weekend includes binge watching Netflix in your underwear. Instead of shutting it down right then and there we drag it out hurt some feelings while we attempt to play in a lane that is clearly not our own.

Welp
Jean DeGrate has spoken

So about last night…

*There is no funny in this blog so if you’re looking for jokes please go to the previous blog*

This isn't my lane so I didn't want to write this shit. After all my child is fine, but it was still sitting heavy on my heart when I woke up this morning. I had to say something and get it off my chest.

It was about 12:30am last night. I was fresh off hitting the jump rope to close out my workout. Kwesi and I had just begun our routine post workout conversation about random shit. Along comes this lady strolling down Southern avenue carrying a little girl that might have been somewhere between the ages of 2-4 . The woman herself appeared to about 35, but these days you can’t really tell because black does crack now. Her dress and demeanor reflected a much younger women; I mean she did have them J’s on. As she got within earshot of us she asked did either one of us have a phone she could use because her phone had died. I cleared the Tabata timer and shifted to the phone key pad then handed her my phone. My normal ain’t shit attitude was put aside by the sight of a toddler being paraded around after midnight. The normal scumbag in me would have told her “keep it pushing” without that child draped over her shoulder. In the midst of trying to remember the number she wanted to dial I asked her where she was headed. She replies “I've got a friend that lives somewhere around here” as if she had never been there before “I was on the phone with him when my phone died.” She pulled her iPhone from her pocket and attempted to power it on to no avail. She dialed a number and spoke briefly with a person that I could only assume was not “the friend”. She handed my phone back and said “I can’t get back in touch with him I’m just going to get back on the bus and head home”. Strolled back up the block from the direction she had come, whilst struggling to hold the toddler that seemed to be getting heavier by the second.

I resumed my conversation with Kwesi and mid-sentence it hit me, I was overcome with rage and sadness at the same time, she was out here trying to get some dick. She took her child out of her bed in the dead of night by the way of Metro to go a fuck a guy she didn't even know the exact address. In my head I could see the vicious circle that her child would be tossed into. I can’t predict the future of the little girl but I know the odds and I’m secure enough in my knowledge to put a wager on the outcome. She would undoubtedly inherit these traits from her mom so when she started dealing with men this type of behavior would be deemed acceptable. Then I felt powerless. It was nothing I could do for this little girl. I couldn't show her the light and steer her away from the path of her mom.

Yeah that’s it.

Ladies raise your daughters by not only telling them to do right but showing them to do right by your actions. They are watching and learning from you. You’re her role model even if you don’t know it, and even if she doesn't act like it at times.

Jean DeGrate is still saddened

5 Signs He Might Be Leech

I dropped the gold digger blog so men would be all the way up on game. You’re welcome by the way, but it’s no secret most of my readers are women so it’s only right I do the same for them. Men aren’t traditionally gold diggers in the same sense that women are. Where a woman can legitimately make a career out of being a “bad bitch” (i.e. Draya); the cards tend not to fall so favorably for men. Most of us men folk will probably never be in the position to have a chick buying us cars, paying our bills and whisking us away on lavish trips just to sit around and look pretty, especially not a regular 9 to 5 working woman. Men have to settle for mooching off of the fairer sex; a pair of Jordan’s here and there, daytime usage of the car and couple of bucks from her tax return to put towards the re-up. Well anyway on with the signs...

1. He bums from strangers

Independent men have this level of pride that almost forbids them from asking a stranger for anything outside of the time and directions. Going any further than that the situation has to be dire. Independent men will ride around a 6 block radius for 45 minutes looking for an address before pulling over to ask for directions. Now a leech on the other hand has no problem asking anybody for just about anything. “You got a cigarette?”  “You got 35 cents?” “Can I use your cellphone?” These are tell-tell signs that will automatically let you know he’s comfortable in his dependency on other and will have no problem fully exploiting you and your resources.

2. He blames others for his position in life

He’s stuck in a dead end job because of a charge he caught for some shit he didn’t do in 2001. He can’t get his debt down because his baby’s mother is a vindictive bitch who's out to get all his money since he decided he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. He can’t get a promotion because he was late twice 6 months ago and his boss won’t let that shit slide. He can’t do this and he’s stuck with that for any reason other than his own. The world is against him and if you give him a chance he’ll make you his crutch to get out of the whole he dug himself or pull you into it. This is the type of guy that will get you to co-sign on a car then conveniently forget to pay the note after 7 months.

3. He’s a petty criminal

He sells a little bit of weed and by a little bit I mean "maybe 3 dimes on a Friday night” little bit of weed to support his own habit. He’ll shoplift while shopping in an “I forgot that case of water was under the grocery cart” kind of way or I’m not going to pay for this 3 pack of T-shirts from Target because I only need one. He steals plastic silverware from Chipotle and straws from Chic-Fil-A. That level of pettiness is a red flag saying “I’m comfortable with taking advantage of situations where I see fit and I’ll always find a way to justify my behavior". When he uses up all your laundry detergent his excuse will be he washed some of your clothes too. When he brings your car back on empty it will be because he was running your errands when he was out.

4. He mainly dates fat women but he’s not fat

Before you roll into that some guys like fat women speech, I know some guys prefer larger women but that’s a small percentage of guys. I also mean fat camp spanx can’t hide this fat, run 40 feet and have a heart attack fat; not that I could stand to lose 15 to 30lbs fat. Fat women that fit into those aforementioned categories tend to take care of men. She’ll buy you a cell phone and add you to her plan.  She’ll not only stand in line for the new Jordan’s she’ll buy you and your son a pair. Fat women aim to please and a leech will forego having sex with the lights on for a woman that will hold him down with her wallet.

5. He does poor people shit

His cable is in his mother’s name because he owes Comcast $50 bucks from 2008. He takes change from the “take a penny leave a penny” tray at 7-11 even when he already has the change.  He splits cigarettes with people. “Let me hit that short.” He’ll put regular gas (87 octane) in the car when the owner’s manual clearly calls for premium.  “The car don’t ride no different on 93.” He’ll push the limits on how far he can ride with the gas light on. “The gas light just came on I can make it there and back.” He mixes the hand soap in his bathroom with water.  Instead of paying his parking tickets he’ll go above and beyond to find off the street parking to avoid a boot. “I know a spot we can park it’s like 7 blocks down the street but we can use the exercise anyway.”

Honorable mention:  He’s a dead beat daddy

It’s really simple math here if a man won’t take care of his seed he’ll most definitely not take care of you. He’s already taking food off the table for his kids and clothes off their back to look fly, buy drinks at the bar and date you. When he has your heart the cycle of taking will continue with you.

 
Be on the lookout ladies he’ll eat all your babies’ fruit snacks and run up your cable bill with on-demand charges
Jean DeGrate has spoken

5 Signs She Might be a Gold Digger

It’s always the blatantly obvious signs she’s out for money; you know the she won’t call herself a gold digger but she ain’t fucking with a broke nigga type of woman. Her life style far exceeds her income. She’s a model but doesn’t really do any modeling: she just posts sexy pictures or the net for the world to see and takes selfies with every semi-celeb to ever grace her zip code. Here are the signs that aren’t so evident…

 

1. She admits she wants to be spoiled

“I want to be spoiled” is always code for “You got money right.” She will automatically rolling into a speech that goes something like this… “I want to be spoiled and I’m going to spoil my man in return.” This translates into “I’m going to fuck the shit out of you but you will be buying me nice things. Pay my rent and you’ll get head on demand.” Most importantly this almost never means “I’m going to spend my money on you if you’re spending your money on me” because it’s a man’s job to set the cash out on his lady.

 

2. Nice clothes, nice car, and nice purses but always crying broke

She wears high end jeans, carries designer purses and her car has leather interior and wood grain with a push to start ignition. You would think this young lady is doing ok for herself but let her talk about her financial woes so you will know what’s really the deal. She raising kid(s) on her own, they’ve raise the rent twice in last 18 months, and her job isn’t paying enough. If you let her tell she’s barely keeping her head above water but she’s going to Miami for Memorial Day weekend and she can’t wait to go shopping for her trip. She’s looking for a hero. Don’t be her hero. Don’t save her.

 

3. Pretty girl ugly kid

She’s a very pretty girl; pretty like Lisa from “Saved by the Bell” (not to be confused with the last few years of existence Lark Voorhies) and you can clearly tell that’s she always been pretty. She’s not one of these new era makeup caked on beauties; nope she the real thing, she woke up like this. Now her kid on the other hand looks like a lot like Gucci Mane, but that’s because she let some ugly paid nigga like Gucci Mane hit it raw. That treasure troll looking child is just the result of her love of money and the finer things in life.

 

4. Her dating criteria doesn’t correlate with her actual life

She only wants to date guys that make at 70k and up but she only makes 35k on her day job. She only dates guys without kids but she owns two fuck trophies. She only dates guys that live alone but she still lives with her grandma. She only dates guys with “real” careers but she’s working desk security in a downtown office building. None of her wants in her man line up with her current situation and that’s always a clear sign that she’s looking for a sponsor over a partner.

 

5. She posts pictures from dinner dates that never include her date

She’s love to post pictures of the menu and her meal from the top spots she eats at, but her date never makes the post. Sure if it’s her and the girls they’ll flood your timeline with 1000 selfies (but those hoes eating at Friday’s on their own dime). When the real money is spent the poor sap footing the bill at Morton’s doesn’t get any acknowledgement. Her intent is to prove that’s she fancy and accustom to the best even if the check is being handled by someone else. After all she deserves it, right?

These hoes will put a pick ax in your back if you let them
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Logic Behind Nude Picture Request

I got 1000 female homies and it just blows their entire day when a guy that barely knows them let alone barely ever had a full conversation with yet requests a nude pic. "Why do ya'll do that?" "What makes him think I'm going to send him a pic? I don't even know him." "I'm just going to delete him out of my contacts." I find myself often sorting out the reasoning behind this request so instead of rolling out this speech once  a month I'm going to put it on paper for once and for all. You're welcome.

For a dude the dating goal is sex, which is why 9 out 10 times when a guy walks up on you in the snack isle of Target, buys you a round at happy hour, or slides in your DM's, that's his motive and he's almost certainly not thinking about how great of a person you probably are. Believe it or not all the interest in you as a person is all a side effect of trying to fuck you. So being that the primary interest is in getting you naked you need to embrace this concept because it is the truth.

What you really look like
You hoes (and I mean hoes in the nicest fucking way) have more tricks than a magic convention hosted by David Blaine. That was a kind of lame analogy but I'm rusty with this blogging shit and the way my backspace button is set up is... Anyway sue me. I told you all the story about how body shapers are the devil (if you haven't read it google it, if I was net savvy I'd link it but I'm not it takes me a year to change my avi on Twitter), so please believe this in a real concern. Aside for those team natural women that believe in keeping everything factory (which tends to backfire more times than not) you women are overall shady with what you actually look like. You peoeple actually take pride in the quality of your purchased hair; as much as I claim to understand women I still can't wrap my head around that concept. So with the fake hair, eyebrows, eye lashes, makeup, push up bras, booty pops, body shapers, waist trainers, body wraps, Instagram filters and whatever other gadgets you clever hoes have cooked up since I started writing this blog 10 minutes ago (I know you are working around the clock on this shit) to fool men into thinking you're better looking than you really are. Receiving a nude really clears up some of the confusion between who you are and who you were pretending to be at happy hour two Wednesdays ago. You know because that water bra made you a full C cup when you're barely a B.

Thinning the herd
Guys date in high numbers whenever possible (think of it like playing multiple numbers for the power ball). You want to know why niggas raise a fuss about $200 dates? If you actually date 6 different women in a 4 week span that is $1200; let me translate that into womanese that's 3 2013 Honda Accord car notes. God's honest truth 47 out of 50 women that are asked for nude pic pre-sex/pre-date are going to say "fuck no" or some variation of that phrase. From that moment she'll either write him off immediately or stick around and go into this "why would you ask me to send you something like that". If she takes the latter route she is legitimately interested so that's a win and if she takes the former that's a win too because no date money was spent and the bullshit pre-sex good morning text messages can stop.

You about that action
The pre-sex/pre-date nude... nigga... nigga... nigga. As sacrilegious as this may sound but LOOK AT GOD. I've legitimately once hopped up off the couch and did the running man for 3 minutes straight after receiving the holy grail of nudes (pre-sex/pre-date nude for those who are not following the theme). It is the bees' knees. It's confirms so many things but none more important than she is about that action. This is half the battle; all you can do as a man from this point is fuck this pussy up for yourself. It's like an 85% chance that she's a hoe but whatever, men love easy women.

Yeah that's it nothing else to it
Jean DeGrate has spoken