I Don't Pay

Shit that I don't pay that a lot of you do

I Don't Pay Child Support
Yep that's right; I'm a gainfully employed black man with a child by a black woman that I didn't marry. She has never taken me before the judge to garnish my wages or force the law to make me take responsibility for the little girl that used to live in my balls. Does that make me a great dad? Nope. Does that make her a phenomenal mom? Nope. Does that make either one of us lucky? Nope. It just makes us two adults that seriously explored the character of one another before deciding to make a baby together. No luck including. How you all ended up with ain't shit co-parents? The fault is solely on you.

I Don't Pay Sallie Mae
Yeah I did a little bit of college but unlike my other high school peers I didn't fill out any FASA forms nor did I have rich parents. Nope. The young and not great Jean paid for his solo year of higher education with cocaine. Uncle Cocaine bought my books, paid my tuition, gave me lunch money and even keep me fresh from the first day of school right up until I dropped out. I'm sure studying hard and getting a scholarship would have been the most admirable way to go but I'm just a hood nigga from uptown with internet access.

I Don't Have Any Consumer Debt
I never got up with Master Card, Discover and America Express. I never bought furniture, clothing, electronics or anything other than a car that I couldn't pay for right then and there. So here I am at 33 years old and the only bills I got are the bills that I can't stop. You know cell phone, insurance, rent and shit.

I Don't Owe the IRS
I never had any of those clever tax time tricks to balance out all the funny shit I've been doing during the year. I never had a crack-head to let me claim her kids and I didn't invent a failing business as a write-off. Look how they did Wesley Snipes and L Boogie and now they are coming for Mary J Blige's head. Just imagine how they are going to handle my talentless ass? Don't garnish my pay or throw me in the same jail I avoided when I really breaking the law because I upped my exemptions and tried to claim Latisha's kids. At the end of the day I much rather Uncle Sam owe me than the other way around.

I don't have average Joe financial woes
Jean DeGrate be winning sometimes

No New Friends (No Drake)

Seriously no Drake

Cuffing season is over and the 70 degree days are here. Ladies are breaking the sundresses out and the happy hours are bit happier. We are young sexy and free (well most of us aren't that young nor sexy but the free part is still valid).

The good times are here again, but what's sunshine without a little rain and that rain is the friend zone lurking behind her flirty smile. See as much as men love new pussy women equally love free drinks, meals and other outings provided by some unsuspecting suitor. Don't be that guy. Here is JD's top 5 ways to stay out of the friend zone during new pussy season.

1. If she ain't that fine ask her for nudes off top
Let's be honest every outing isn't going to end in you exchanging numbers with dimes. There will be nights when only the 6's and under are biting. Chances are these 6s won't view themselves as easy buckets but a few of them actually know their role. How do you separate them you ask? Ask for nudes. The girl that sends that face off nude back is down to... well you know, but the ones that get offended or start that "I don't even know you like that" speech proceed to deleting her number. You just saved time and money by thinning the herd.

2. Be in total control of the 1st date agenda
If she wants to see you it really doesn't matter what you plan to do excluding clubbing baby seals, coming over the house to chill and a candle lit dinner at a fast food restaurant. If you say let's go grab a few drinks, kick it in the park or see the new Hangover movie she should be down if she's really interested. It's those "take me here, I only really eat there, I'm tired of the movies" professional dating hoes that are trying to lean on your pockets and get a free meal up off you.

3. Ask her about her dating criteria and actually listen to her
See at a moment’s notice, unbeknownst to you of course, a female will slip you into that friend zone as soon as she realizes you don't fit enough of her criteria’s to get the pussy. It's your job to find out if you're heading to the friend zone before you make a move on her and she hits the brakes then calls you her brother. Let her go over that list of perfect mate wants and deal breakers. Likes men with beards but your goatee won't connect? Get out of there. Likes her men well-read but you only read comments on IG? Get out of there. Dates men that she considers her equal and she has her master's, 5 years into her career but you're the night manager at Walgreen's while taking online courses at Phoenix University for the last 4 years? Get out of there bro. Don't waste your time and energy trying to make a half-court shot when it's plenty of free throws and lay-ups out here to be made.

4. Do not offer up that mouth
I repeat do not offer up that mouth. It's an alarming number of you simps or whatever you like to refer to yourselves as, that offer up that mouth in hopes that it will get you to the pussy promise land. That route is not guaranteed nor is it remotely secure. You may find yourself with a face glazed in pussy juice and unfucked. Furthermore you will be labeled as the thirsty nigga that just gave her head and will be deported to the friend zone. Don't you come up off that mouth bro.

5. Don't do anything special pre-pussy
Don't loan her any money. Don't help her move (tell her you have a pencil fight championship match that day or something); just make yourself unavailable. Don't buy her any gifts. Don't celebrate her birthday; that "Happy Bday" text will more than suffice. Don't let her kids play games on your iPhone. Don't you do a damn thing over the top pre-pussy. Any of these actions will put you in the "nice guy"/push over category and women love to put the best of men in the friend zone. No good deed goes unpunished when it happens pre-pussy.

No new friend we don't do that (well maybe just a splash of Drake)
Jean DeGrate has spoken

More of This Pop Culture Sh...

...it

This not a blog I'm just typing shit that I should probably be tweeting

Ja Rule is home and it's Tuesday. Continue on with your day as normal.

Dear Lauren Hill,
How are you managing to pop up in my life everyday? I swear if you should have died in 2000 you would have been a legend but now you're just a crazy baby momma with tax problems. You are by far the biggest falloff in music history and I know after you do this 3 month bid you'll just become even stranger. Who gave you that 900k though?

RIP Chris Kelly but not really
I forgot you were alive and even where you were at your peak I was never sure who was the Mac Daddy and who the Daddy Mac was. "I Miss The Bus" was my Jam though but I'm pretty sure it's aged badly since I no longer have to be in the house when the street lights come on. Anyway junkies OD and died everyday B.

Charles Ramsey I see you shining
You fancy ribs and save white women sir you are a true American. You're probably destine to become the next Sweet Brown/Antoine Dodson but at least you did something admiral that getting you your 15 minutes of fame. McDonald's should also cut you a check and rename the McRib after you.

Kanye West is losing right now
You impregnated Kim and now you look like the most unhappiness guy alive. Did that prego box not live up to the hyped up folklore of wetness? Are all these fat Kim meme's getting the best of you. Either way bro you looking fucking miserable almost as if hitting that thing raw was the worst thing that happened you since you crashed the car and broke your jaw.

Mr. Cee you need to start eating dick in New Jersey.
Just cross the bridge bro. Nobody want to hear about you eating dick and getting hemmed up by the feds. You got to be more careful. I honestly forget that you exist until you caught with a tranny again.

Totally not a blog thanks for reading though
Jean DeGrate did something on paper

The Top 5 Reasons Why I Friend Zone Women

It's a 100 dope reason to stick a chick in the friend beside the oh so obvious reason being that she is ugly as sin. Here's my other top 5 reasons why I put these bitches in the friend zone (and I mean bitches in the nicest possible way).

She has ugly kid(s)
Now that I am out of the baby making game this isn't as big as deal breaker as it once was because I surely won't be mixing my DNA with anybody. Nevertheless, as soon as I see those sea monkey looking fuck trophies posted all over her FaceBook account I know we will never have a future. You ever dated a bitch with ugly kids? She'll speak of these children like they are really going to have good looking people woes. "I know I only got a couple years before little boys start calling the house looking for Janae."  But in all reality unless Janae is on her way to being a first class whore that home phone will remain clear of young gentlemen suitors. I don't have time to keep hearing about no ugly ass kids and nodding my head like any of this shit will come in to existence. Friend zone, but no kid talks ever.

She is an extra value meal away from being obese
I unfuck women all the time, but its all types of stipulations with it and none more important than the 2 year zero sex rule. If I fuck a girl now that's on the very brink of falling off I have to walk around with her name on my penis resumé for the next 730 days. I refuse to let our thing elevate any further when I know I will be forced to have her existence expunged later on. Friend zone, but I will give her countless free fitness tips and even workout with her a time or two.

I met her when I was drunk
When I'm drunk I get r... let's just say I have less than gentleman like behavior when I've consume one too many alcoholic beverages. It's still amazing to me how I've managed not to get smacked in the club, but that's neither here nor there. The way I carry on in the club is totally unacceptable (not that I plan on changing) and any woman accepting of that conduct is either crazy or a hoe or a crazy ass hoe. She might not be any of things but I'm comfortable stereotyping her. Friend zone, but I still might smash and slang that BFF title at her. I'm not above it.

She consistently compliments herself
She thinks she's cute; hey what a coincidence I think that too (or at the very least she has a body that just won't quit). What I don't need is for her to constantly remind of her beauty. That shit is annoying. I get enough of women boosting themselves up and patting themselves on their back on social media. The last thing I need is fully dressed pictures coming to my phone showing me all the "likes" she got on IG as a attempt to remind how lucky I am to be dating her. Friend zone; save that shit for a dude who has never dated a chick worth being seen with.

She's poor
I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination but poor women are depressing. I once attempted to date one that considered TGI Friday's as fancy dinning; needless to say the date never came to be. Their lives are filled with so much struggle and it's in their everyday conversation. She treated herself to Subway for 2 days this week so it's PB&J for the rest of the week, only paying bills that come in brightly colored envelopes and a large assortment of other financial woes. Friend zone, but I have some dope penny stock to tell you about that might pay out in the long run.

Because I friend zone women everyday B
Jean DeGrate has spoke

PS No New Friends coming next week with helpful tips on how to stay out of the friend zone

PSS follow me on Twitter @ JeanDeGrate

The Top 5 (well 6 Reasons) Why it's Better to be a Woman

...than it is to be a man of course

(And if you couldn't tell I still don't have shit of merit to speak on this week)

Minus single motherhood women stay winning in some capacity; shit even hoes stay with a win or several. It's a lot perks to being a woman even if you aren't the most Halle Berryish of women (or whatever the new standard of attractiveness is that women are being held up to these days).

1. Make-up
Make-up is a fucking game changer it's like a real life cheat code (up down left right A B but on her face). The make-up artists these days would have been coming for Leonardo da Vinci's head during the Italian Renaissance, but instead of paint they use MAC products to make women seem 5 times better than they are. Sit down in the chair as a 5 and stand up 30 minutes later as an 8. All those blemishes are well hidden until her face finds water again.

2. Free shit
Free meals, free drinks, even free vacations if she's fine enough and a large assortment of other random yet dope shit. Everybody loves free stuff but you know who gets a plethora of free shit? Owners of vaginas and I really do mean free no strings attached shit. Yeah the person donating all this shit 99.9% of time has an ulterior motive but that's all on the female to feed into it or not.

3. Getting away with murder 90% of the time
Remember last year when that bus driver in Ohio uppercutted the shit out of that unruly young lady on the bus? Of course you do, I giggled just typing it. She had to push all types of boundaries to get that man to act that way. I know grown men that watch the video and said they would have taken the Jesus route and turned the other cheek. See unless a woman is unlucky enough to come across some Ike Turner type of guy she can get away with all types of bullshit and leave the situation without getting a spark beat out of her ass. I've seen women do and say disrespectful things that would have gotten a man in the same instance beaten to death.

4. Single mother sympathy
I don't know how this came to be but being a mother is considered one of the world's hardest job. I'm not sure how being a mom is harder than let's say; being a circus acrobat, prize fighter, judge or the guy that pulls the switch for the electric chair. Those all seem like pretty fucking challenging jobs but somehow taking care of the kids you made trumps all that (and this is coming from a dad). If you're a mom doing it on your own somehow the difficulty increases 10 fold and the world is there to give you a pat on the back then tell you how strong you are. You go girl.

5. More dating options
No matter how unattractive or how undesirable a female may seem some guys (yes plural) are checking for her. Those guys might not want to scoop her up and run off to alter with her but they would at the very least want to take her out for a date or two and try to get her into bed. Now for a man on the other end of the spectrum living that less than desirable life needs a boat load of money to circumvent it.

6. You can go gay and come back with no repercussions
Women go dyke every day. I know way more girls that have kissed a girl than I know girls who haven't and out of those girls that have kissed. I want to say at least half of them that have kissed a girl eventually made it to a full on box chopper a time or 2 or 10. The penalty of going dyke is nonexistent but instead it's a perk. Guys like bi girls. I don't even have the slightest inkling of interest in have a ménage but I'm intrigued by bi-sexual women. Bi bitches are winning.

Oh yeah and hoes still be winning so I guess that's 7
Jean DeGrate has spoken

PS find me on Twitter @ JeanDeGrate

The Top 5 Reasons Why It's Better to be a Man

...than it is to be a woman of course

It is a 1000 and 1 perks to being a woman but about 994 are immediately negated if you're an ugly bitch. Husky ugly bitches live lives harder than the character Oprah played in "The Color Purple" (Sophia). If this blog was named "Why it's better to be a man than it is to be a pretty woman" I couldn't get pass the title I'm sure of it. Good thing though most of these woman are only pretty in their minds, via Instagram filters, certain strategic camera angles under proper lighting and heavy makeup application. Thank you blog Gods because I extra don't have shit of merit to speak on this week.

1. We don't get periods
If you told me once a month blood would stream from my dick, I would experience moderate to intense abdominal cramping and mood swings I'd fucking flip out. Imagine ruining sheets, expensive chinos and jeans because you got caught slipping and your penis started leaking blood. Nightmare.

2. Only women can be hoes.
.Sluts, skeezers, rollers or whatever other delightful euphemisms folks have come up for describing loose women. I've tried and I've tried some more but I can't logically get around this double standard. Sorry ladies. I'm a hoe because I have slept with a lot of women but in all actuality I'm a stud. You know a guy that gets girls to have sex with him effortlessly, but as easy as I get women to get naked and fall on my penis if I was chick I'd get men a 100 times easier (even I were an ugly woman because niggas are going fuck regardless). Where I have to be some mixture of good looking, charming, well dressed and interesting to a chick fall all over me; a woman only has to noticeably be a woman and receive the same effect from the opposite sex.

3. Being in shape doesn't guarantee attractiveness
Unlike us men folk a woman's level of fitness doesn't necessarily assure that she'll be anymore desirable once her goals are met. She can get as tone as she likes but if her genetics are fucked it will all be for not. Ass like a pancake? No amount of squats can fix that. Body without curves? If she got a body like a box it's going to be boxy at any size 2 or 20; well I guess at size 2 she'd be more of a rectangle.

4. Child birth may very well ruin you
Child birthing often wreaks irreparable damage to the female body. The gym won't un-sag those titties nor relive that nasty case of raisin belly. I've witness some women with crazy bodies drop that first child and go from a strong 9 to a shaky 5 in 9 month's time; they almost never recover either. I got 5 year old and my 6 pack is still intact. Yeah me.

5. Dating someone bi-sexual is detrimental
If a guy ends up dating a bi-sexual female instantly the option for a ménage is on the table. He won or at least is on the outskirts of a potential win. A girl on the other hand ends up dating a bi dude it will end in tears. The door definitely doesn't swing as liberally in that scenario.

*Insert clever closing remark here*
Jean DeGrate has spoken

PS the female version will drop Friday or Tuesday yeah let's just say Tuesday
PSS find me on Twitter @ JeanDeGrate

Just Random Volume: That pop culture shit

Because I have random shit to say that doesn't quite meet up to length of a blog by my standards...

Ray J vs. Kanye
Even though Kanye is wildly more successful than Ray J will ever be; he's a relationship loser. His last chick is with Wiz and he dropped numerous diss tracks following the break up while she went on to live her life. She won. In this instance he's having a baby by a chick that sucked Ray J's dick on camera and the world has seen it. You can never live that down. NEVER. There is no comeback diss from "Your baby mother sucked this dick on film". Saying you fucked Brandy is an accomplishment to nobody including regular niggas such as myself. If I told the homies I fucked Brandy they wouldn't even question the validity of my statement they would just reply "so what nigga". In the hierarchy of R&B singers to smash Brandy is right above Angie Stone and Ledsi (and nobody is checking for them either). I'm still mad at Jason Pitt's character on the Game for dating her. Brandy = Nobody's dream girl.

Enough with the Rick Ross rape lyric
Look here with all the down right heinous shit that is rapped about on a regular basis I'm super sure Rick Ross date raping bitches can't be the straw that broke the camels back. Half of mainstream rap is murders, drug selling and drug usage, but this is what got you silly motherfucker in an uproar. Man shut that shit up. Most of ya'll ain't even buying music no way so it's not going to effect his bottom line if you're fucking with Ross or not. It was funny when he apologized to Reebok though.

Congress is investigating Jay-Z and Beyonce's vacation First and foremost... WOW. Like really wow. Besides the fact that I'm tired of hearing about ever fucking move Hov and Beyonce make in their personal life on social media it's saddens me to a whole new level when I fire up my Washington Post app and Congress is checking for them. They are furloughing people but got cash to blow on vacation investigations. What the fuck man? It's a rapper and a singer on vacation why do you care elected officials? Don't spend my tax dollars on this. I don't think anything celebrity related upset me this much since ya'll coons was screaming how Beyonce was faking her pregnancy.

I'm done with the Huffington Post
I was once in love Huff Po they used to drop edgy yet professionally put together journalism (kind of like what Complex online is now doing but way better) along with real news. Now they will let anything (and I do mean anything) make it off the editor's desk and on to my computer screen. Today's headline (and I bullshit you not) read "ASAP Rocky's Misguided Beauty Advice, Rapper Says Dark Skin Girls Shouldn't Wear Red Lipstick". It troubles me that a rapper would actually make his opinion publicly know on women's makeup practices but even more troubling is the fact that Huff Po thought it was even noteworthy enough to publish his quote from an interview done by another publication. Who the fuck cares? He's a NY rapper that dress like a woman and raps like he's from south of the Mason-Dixon Line. I expect this type of foolishness from MTO.

Kim K did turn that blow job into an empire though... shorty stay winning Jean DeGrate hasn't really said shit in this blog