Who Told You that You Were Wife Material?

“Bitch, what are you smoking? Your pussy ain’t no better than the rest.” – Devin the Dude
 
Before I even get started, let me just state that there are some very marriage-worthy women out here; there’re just not a lot of them. You can miss me with that, “there’s somebody for everybody,” bullshit because folks grow old alone then die (especially women who fake shut the pussy down because they’ve been hurt or they’re waiting for Mr. Right). They just don’t put that shit in the obituaries section: “Kimberly Johnson is survived by 2 kids and 2 baby fathers, but her dead body was found after 3 weeks in her apartment.” Yeah, those stories never make the Post.
 
Women get engaged everyday, B.
Engagements happen so often one would think Kay Jewelers was running a “Shut her ass up” ring special. For 1500 bucks, you can get your girl a ring that would make her the envy of all her friends, all the while making her forget all the stupid shit you did over the last few months that had her on the verge of leaving you. I’m not saying that always happens, but you better believe it happens plenty. Women just love the idea of marriage. How many women do you know who have been engaged since Obama’s inauguration, with no wedding date in sight? Getting an engagement ring is like winning an AFC Championship; it sounds good, but nobody really gives a fuck unless you follow it up with a Super Bowl win. Hey, but shout out to the Buffalo Bills though.
 
How did you come to the conclusion that you were marriage material?
Just because you think you’re a catch doesn’t mean anybody else will go for the bait. Some of you women claiming to be wife material can’t get the dudes you’re currently dating to give you the spare key to his spot. “Baby, you can swing thru anytime you want, but make sure you call before come; I don’t do that pop up shit.” Nevermind all that “wifey” pillow talk; it’s a known fact that men will say almost anything during sex. (That’s why most women are walking around thinking they got bomb pussy now. You said, “is it good to you?” and he said, “it’s the fucking best.”) The only real proof of being marriage material is standing at the bottom of the isle in your wedding dress and seeing a dude in tuxedo waiting for you at the top of it.
 
Gambling with half his shit
58% of all marriages end in divorce, and with divorce comes the loss of all types of cash and assets. I’m not rich, but I’m doing ok. I keep at least 5 figures in the bank at all times. So jumping the broom only to decide sometime later down the line this shit ain’t working for whatever reason will cost a pretty penny. Just imagining having to move in with my little brother or sleeping on my best friend’s couch because the courts gave her my house and half my cash disturbs me. Bitch, you wasn’t me shooting in the gym. (Bitch, you wasn’t with me answering phones in this cubicle.) So rolling the dice on forever with you will cost any dude standing on his own two feet half his shit, and if you bring kids into the fold, up that to 75%.
 
What is about you that will make a dude want you for LIFE?
I know I’m getting famous for telling people they aren’t that special, but you got to have something special about to make a guy cancel his freedom under God and the law for you. So, what is it? Do you make the meanest pitcher of Kool-Aid on the east coast? Can you fold towels into origami shapes? It has to be something that will make your future groom say, “and that’s why I married your ass,” when you’re old and gray. I’m sure you know hoes (like real hoes), chicks that you don’t think look half as good as you, and an assortment of women that you can name all their faults and reasons why they should be single who just so happen to be married like shit. Why? They have something you don’t; a dude that loves them enough to spend their life with them.
 
If you ain’t married, you ain’t marriage material.
Jean DeGrate has spoken