The First Phone Conversation Script

Last night, I was standing in front of my building smoking a Black, and I said to myself, "Jean, this dating thing would be a whole lot easier for everybody if folks really just said what they were looking for off top. You know what, Jean? You should blog about that." Yea, I come to these types of random epiphanies on the front stoop; I'm deep like that, sometimes. Or... it could be that 90% of my roster expects way more than me than I'm willing to give, and 90% of the time, it's clear that could have been avoided even before the first date when we watched a bootleg flick and ate carryout. I guess that's another blog... on with this one.

Everybody typically has the same first conversation questions. I don't know why people get nervous for first dates. After a couple of them you should already know how the Q&A session (I mean "date") will pan out. "How many kids do you have?" "Who do you live with?" "What do you do for a living?" "What do you like to do?" and so on so forth, blah blah blah blah blahhhhh. Pretty much, all bullshit because none of it really tackles what you REALLY need to know. So I propose this, before a movie date is set, Cosi salads are eaten, or happy hour shots are drank, you should find out what's really good on that first phone call. Set aside 45 minutes ,and ask...

Question 1: "What are you looking for exactly?"
Everybody is looking for something when talking to a perspective mate. Are you just looking for a shot of ass? There's absolutely nothing wrong with being strictly interested in sex, and we are all adults so there is no need to be coy when you can flat out say, "I just really want to fuck". There's probably a way more tactful way to say that, but, in case you're new to "Jean DeGrate has Spoken" you should know this isn't a blog built around politically correct shit. Other than that, some people might not want anything serious and just want to have a good time with a cool person or have a day-by-day approach. None of that may be your cup of tea if you're looking to settle down or wanting kids and/or even marriage in your not so distant future. This question alone can end a meaningless courtship before any feelings get involved.

Question 2 "Do you have a problem with...? Will it be a deal breaker?"
Everybody has his/her little quirks, pet peeves, serious fucking mental issues, and/or skeletons in closet. Lay that shit out there off top. You're a part-time lesbian. Word? You've got more charges than a stun gun. Oh ok. There's a video of you getting gang banged on World Star Hip Hop, but it's from your wild and crazy college years. Hmmm. Your baby mother is psycho and is prone to pull your toddler out of bed so she can come flatten the tires of whatever woman may be at your house after midnight. Oh, really now. Folks won't normally share these kind of things with you, but I'd much rather get rejected by a stranger than somebody I've been kicking it with, possibly have slept with, or (wait for it) caught feelings for. Plus, nobody wants to wake up to find their new boo crouched in the corner of the bedroom chewing on your underwear. If you're psycho, let a nigga know off top you're a crazy bitch.

Question 3 "How do you expect to be treated?"
Honestly, nobody is going to say, "Treat me like shit; I love to be dogged," but some people have standards and requirements that you might not be down to adhere to. I know damn well if a chick is expecting me to go half on her bills or drop cash for her hair and nails every week, I'm going to tell her to keep it pushing. He might want a chick to cater to him... come over, cook dinner, wash clothes, and clean. You might not be about that life. She might want a guy to send her roses just because and good morning text messages just to let her know he's thinking of her, but you may not have an unlimited text plan, be allergic to flowers, or just not be on your Simp shit.

Asking the hard questions and keeping real ain't hard, but oddly nobody at all is doing this shit.
Jean DeGrate is trying to help you

Are You Looking for Love or Are You Looking for Help?

There’s a mean ass dating double standard out here. Men are typically just looking for companionship with side of pussy, and women are looking for… well what women are looking for is a bit on the gray side of things. Most women have no clue what they are looking for so they just pretend to be looking for love instead of humbling themselves and admitting they are looking for a superhero to save their asses.
 
Men aren’t that complex when it comes to love
Being cool and fuckable will get you halfway to girlfriend status prior to you having to actually give up the pussy. A non-nagging, non-gold digging chick with good sex, up-to-par head, and a REAL job (somewhere you can get a W2 from) will have you meeting the parents in no time flat. Pretty much everything after that, like common interest, the ability to actually operate a stove, and living in her own place, are just extra perks. Yeah, that concludes the male section of the blog. I can’t even get deeper than that because that’s just how simple men are.
 
NOW… let’s talk about women…
 
The table
Every other woman (which is more like 4 out of 5 women) has this imaginary table, and it’s absolutely imperative to bring something to it. She already has shit on this table, and in order to even begin any kind of courtship you have to add even more shit to her existing shit. (I know women are complicated, but follow my logic people) Even if none of the shit on the table benefits you in the slightest, “as a man”, you need to bring something “to the table”. Women have a funny way of deciding what SHOULD be attractive to perspective mates, i.e. “Bitch, I got 3 months left at Sanz School. I’m a fucking catch.” Being a good dude is no longer good enough. You must be on her “level” or better. (Most bitches actually prefers better.) The reality of it all is there is no reason why a man should have to bring anything to the table other than good companionship and genuine intentions. If you’re a woman and about your shit, everything that you bring to the table should be good enough (this statement is more wishful thinking than anything else).
 
Looking for a Simp?
Almost every time I hear a woman lay out her requirements of a male, 70% of it has something to do with his financial status and worldly possessions. You need him to be God fearing? Check. At least 5’9”? Check. No more than 2 kids? Check. No criminal record? Check. After that… it’s all about the money, car, crib, homeownership status, making X amount a year, 401k, and so on and so forth. Bitch please… Why is a plus for a man to be a homeowner if you’re renting? Why are you looking for a man with more than you yet still expect to be treated like an equal? If I’m bringing more to the table than you… Fuck it… I’m the Boss (no Rick Ross). Pussy and wet mouf won’t get you an equal share in this partnership.
 
Keep it real
If you’re looking for a come up with maybe a splash of love on the side, go ahead and just say so. I won’t judge you… Hoe! But, I won’t deal with you either. You’re in search of a hero; somebody to help supplement those bills. There’s a guy out there willing to do all of that (as long as you’re fine, but you busted bitches need to fend for yourselves). That old school “men are the provider” role kicked the bucket about 40 years ago so you have to be fine or dating a fool that doesn’t know he could get pussy for less. If you’re really looking for love you and really want to be loved, then you need to cut some of that bullshit out of your criteria. Jamal, the head cashier at Safeway, might honestly be the man of your dreams even if he lives in his Grandma’s basement and drives a 1986 Honda Accord. You’ve got to keep it real with yourself and the niggas you’re dating so both of you know what you’re signing up for.
 
Pick a lane… love or money?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Top 5 Reasons Why I Can't Date a Fat Woman

I want you all to know before I even get started, I'm using the size guidelines society gave to gauge what a fat/large woman actually is. This shit here is not rocket science. I wear a large T-shirt and sometimes an extra large T-Shirt. If a woman can fit my large T-shirt, she must be a large bitch. If a woman is too big for my large T-shirt, she must be an extra-large bitch. I didn't invent these sizes, I just reapplied the logic for you larger than usual women. (Yes, I’m saying "large" because "fat" or "obese" tends to carry a negative connotation… I’m an asshole, but I’d like to keep my LARGE readers) Now, on with the blog…

Unless this is your first time reading my blogs, you already know I have a phobia of getting crushed by fat woman in my sleep. Aside from that, I have a huge assortment of other reasons why a heavyweight and I will never pan out.

1. She'll never look cute in my clothes
You know when a chick is prancing around the house with your T-shirt and panties on the morning after? You know when a chick scrambles your eggs topless in your boxers? If you’re getting pussy like JD, of course you do. If you aren’t reading this blog fantasizing about Ms. New Pussy in your white tee, you're probably used to dating wide-bodied women. Now, tell me what she cooks your eggs in… a bed sheet perhaps? I don’t care what you overweight lovers say, ain’t shit sexy about Queen Latifah wrapped in toga.

2. I might have to actually fight her
I'm a pretty strong guy. (On a good day I rep 320 on the bench.) So if my lady friend decides that she wants to put her hands on me, it's really nothing for me grab her and restrain her until finds her cool again. Now, dealing with a big chick, that fight might not be so easy. Dealing with her size alone is a fight in itself. While I'm wrestling with her weight trying to keep her cool, she will be actually landing punches… hard ass grown man type-of punches. It won't be long before I square up and start jabbing the big bitch in the face. I'm pretty sure before the night is over, I'll be sitting in somebody's jail cell waiting for my one phone call. I’m just saying dating petite bitches keeps me out of said domestic disputes.

3. Sex with the lights on is a no go
Most larger women rock some sort of apparatus to make their shape seem more flattering than it actually is. The more clothes she loses, the less appealing she'll become unless you fancy back rolls and FUPAs (Fat Upper Pussy Areas). Plus, I’ve never had any fantasies of fucking Stay Puff aka The Michelin Man.

4. Fat women generate heat
Big girls run hot like cars with busted radiators. Sure having a burly chick would come in handy if I got snowed in during a power outage, but keeping a fat chick on deck for just that instance would be fucking crazy. If while sitting on the couch, she decides to snuggle up on you, it’s like have a super nova lying in your lap. It will be a smooth 20 degree difference between under the covers to room temperature. She'll have my bed like a sauna every morning; I'd wake up 2 pounds lighter, in a pool of my sweat. Yeah, fuck all that.

5. I won't be able to save you
Heaven forbid a fire breakout and a wooden plank falls from the ceiling landing on your ankle breaking it… Guess who won't be carrying you to safety? This guy. At that very moment, it becomes a "you die or we both die" type-of situation, and I want to live. If somehow you end up hanging from the side of a building or the edge of a cliff, I can't pull you up. I don't even know if there is an exercise I can do to develop that lifting people of the ledge muscle group. You better hold on while I find some rope and build a pulley device. What if we're getting chased by zombies and you started wheezing and cramping up because you haven't moved your legs that fast since 3rd grade gym? Please know that I can't stand there and fight off the walking undead while you catch your breath, but while they feast on your flesh, it will give me a 10 to 15 minute lead on them.

Just in case you thought I had no basis in my prejudice.
Jean DeGrate is fucking a skinny woman tonight

Jean DeGrate’s Top 5 Favorite Stalker Songs of All Times

Because everybody loves a good stalker tune...

5. Marvin Gaye’s “I Want You”

“It’s too bad, it’s just too sad
You don’t want me now
But I’m gonna change your mind
Someway, somehow, oh baby”

This is one of my favorite Marvin tracks right here, but I’d never play it in the company of a female because she every got passed Marvin’s smooth crooning those rape-ish undertones would standout clear as day.

4. The Police “Every Breath You Take”

The title alone would make a great slogan for the NASS (National Association of Stalkers and Simps).  If you didn’t know stalkers and simps roll in the same circles, and most simps eventually become stalkers anyway.

“Every single day, every word you say
Every game you play, every night you say
I’ll be watching you”

The original version had the word “Bitch” in it several times i.e. “Oh can’t you see? You belong to me, Bitch” but they dropped it to make it more radio friendly. Everything about the song says, “Bitch, I’m going to kill you then play dress up with your dead body and still get away with it,” but it was the jam back in the day anyway.

3. Bob Marley & the Wailers’ “Waiting in Vain”

“It’s been three years since I’m knocking on your door, and I still can knock some more”

Do you know how long 3 years is in Jamaican time? Technically, since Jamaica is like a 3rd world country their days are like 4 hours longer than those in normal civilizations.

“Tears in my eyes burn, tears in my eyes burn

While I’m waiting, while I’m waiting on my turn”

So he is waiting and crying for years over a bitch that’s dating another nigga. There’s actually a waiting list for that pussy. To this day, I want to see a picture of the bitch this song is based on. I know deep in my heart, she had to be the finest woman in all of Jam Rock.

2. Heather Headley “In My Mind”

This song screams out to how some delusional some women are and the imaginary relationships they keep all bottled up inside their heads. I wonder how many women are involved in an imaginary relationship with me.

“He’s standing with her, but his soul is calling out my name.”

Really son… you can hear his soul? Nevermind that woman on his arm that he’s out and about with, you know what’s really real.

“In my mind, I’ll always be his lady.
In my mind, I’ll always be his girl.”

I wonder what her FaceBook relationship status says. Would that fall under “it’s complicated” or “open relationship”?

1. MéShell Ndegé Ocello’s “Outside Your Door”

The opening line of the song is “Here I sit outside your door, talk to me.” She’s not chilling in your favorite Starbucks hoping you might swing by or even hiding in a car parked several yards away from your house. She’s sitting on your front step waiting for you to come outside. Every verse she speaks in this extra calm serial killer tone. If there was ever a time to be afraid of a bald headed lesbian holding a guitar… this was it. I wouldn’t hesitate on shooting this dyke, and no court on God’s green Earth would convict me after I played this track for the jury.

“Here I am, waiting… Just waiting… Anticipating a chance to run into you. I sit here for hours. One day, I even sat through a rain shower… For just a glance…. A chance to talk to you. You're probably wondering how I even know you.”

This here is beyond “restraining order” stalking this is that “witness protection, pack up and move across country, then change your name” stalking.

“I'd be content to just sit here, and talk to you. In my dreams, you love me… and me only.”

These types of dreams end in blood.

I check chicks’ iPods for shit like this. If I see one of these tracks, I’m out the door.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Benefits of Dating a Big Girl

Off top: I’ve never dated a big girl, mainly because I like the option of fucking with the lights on, and I suffer from a phobia of being crushed by a fat woman in my sleep. The medical name for it is “Bitch-Get-Your-Fat-Ass-Off-Me-A-Phobia”, and until a cure is found, I’ll never be able to date the Jill Scott-ish woman of my dreams. There will be no frolicking in fields of bacon for Jean DeGrate. But, enough about me and on with the blog… 

If there was ever a group of people that made a serious effort at compensating for their physical shortcomings, it’s fat women who date non-fat men. The term “pleasantly plump” was coined by a skinny dude that exclusively dated big bitches.  

There’re 3 types of fat women out here… 

1. The “I just had a baby” fat chick. (And by “just”, they mean anywhere from 3 months to 10 years ago.) These chicks don’t really consider themselves fat chicks because “it’s just baby weight.” Nope, it doesn’t matter if the kid is going to college next year. In my world, 9 months post-birth is long enough to lose baby fat. Logically so, since it took nine months to put the weight on in the first place. To these women, that logic doesn’t apply; they will use “baby weight” as an excuse forever, and because they don’t really believe they are fat, they don’t give up true fat chick services.

2.The “after high school/freshman 15/got a desk job and packed on some pounds” fat chick. This chick here used to be fine or somewhat desirable prior to the weight gain. Although she went from a size 2 to a size 14, over the last few years, when she looks at herself in the mirror, she still sees the body she had as a senior in high school. In her mind, she is just as fine as she ever was. It would take the ghost of Christmas past to reveal the truth to her. For that reason alone, she will continue to eat honey buns from the work snack machine everyday, and when she gets home, there will be no fat chick services provided to her man. This is the bitch that will sit on the couch eating a microwavable dinner, watching Real Housewives, while her boyfriend caters to his damn self.

3. The “I’ve been big all my life so people call me Precious behind my back” fat chick. She’s the genuine article. She doesn’t have the ego of those previous two bitches because there’s no delusion of who she is. She knows she’s a fat bitch. She shops at Lane Byant, instead of trying out Forever 21’s plus line for size. She skips breakfast to cut calories; like it makes any fucking difference. Very few fat bitches have that Monique type-of self esteem; deep down, most fat chicks are so ashamed. It sounds horrible, but if you’re her boyfriend, this lack of self-esteem is the come-up for you (Winning). This is the big girl of your overweight lover dreams, and here’s why… 

She’ll cater to you
Remember that Destiny’s Child song “Cater to you”, and all the dope shit they were talking about doing for their man? Of course you do, but know this: unless you’re balling out of control (and tricking/simping), you will never get a chick that isn’t at high risk for heart attack or diabetes and has a healthy BMI index to do any of that shit on a regular basis. These big girls will work a full time job, help the kids with homework, and still bring you dinner with a beer to the couch, while you watch Monday Night Football. She’ll cook anything your heart requests; just don’t request a side salad. She draws the line at salad, but steak, meatloaf, pork chops, and macaroni and cheese can be on the table every night if you please. She’ll clean with no complaints because that’s what it takes to keep her man happy. She’ll even come and bathe you “Coming to American” style, if that’s what you’re into. 

She’ll take care of you…
Like she will literally take care of you in such a way that she might be legally able to claim you on her taxes. I know 3 dudes that retired from hustling because they started dealing with a big bitch that just wouldn’t let them leave. She’d go out of her way to make sure there was nothing in the outside world he could possibly want that he couldn’t get right at home. Cable, Xbox, HDTV, flat screens, alcohol, and all of his favorite foods were always on deck. She’ll pay cell phone bills and even buy him clothes; big bitches love to dress a nigga. If you were a Blac Label type-of nigga, she’ll upgrade you to LRG; no problem.  

She is always down to fuck
She doesn’t need all that wining and dining to get her in the mood. Ya’ll could be watching Saturday morning cartoons; then you could turn and say, “Hey girl; come jump on this dick.” Before she can get the “ok” out, she’ll be giving you mouth. Rough sex… she loves it. Her body is built like an F-150; you could literally kidney punch her while hitting it from the back, and it will be all good. Kinky sex… she’s with that, too. She already knows she has to be down to do the shit the next girl (who is likely skinny and better-looking) won’t do. You can bust a nut in her ear canal, if that’s what you’re into.  

Bored with busting nuts on your skinny bitch’s back and stomach? This cuffing season, a big bitch may be the way to go.

Sidenote: Jean DeGrate STILL doesn’t date big bitches.

Community Pussy Guidelines

After I dropped that last blog, I’m sure a bunch of you are walking around with community pussy trying to explain your way out of it. I know you need clarification so here are the “Community Pussy Guidelines”

community pussy (noun) – a woman that has had sexual relations with two or more acquaintances…

As I wrote previously: being community pussy doesn’t necessarily make you a whore. Some of you are sluts; ain’t no way around it, but sometimes you’re just a victim of circumstance. Depending on how fragile a man’s ego is he may just see it as the mere chance that somebody he knows just got there first... kind of like buying a car from your next door neighbor. You still like the car, but it’s not as great as buying it new off the lot…if you catch my drift. Just know that a man’s ego is very delicate when it comes to recycled pussy being his actual girl. There are a few circumstances in which men just don’t give a fuck, but please don’t count on getting that community pussy courted anytime soon.

So let’s get into a few scenarios...

If you smashed the homie before they even knew each other…Yep, you’re still community.

If they got cool after you hit the second dude…Yep, you’re still community.If it was a one night stand when you were drunk in college… Yep, if they know each other, you’re still community.

Famous examples of community pussy

Gilbert Arenas’ baby’s mother Laura Govan
She can deny giving Shaq the pussy all she wants for the purposes of BBW LA, but we all know she fucked Shaq, who just so happens to be her baby father’s co-worker.

Nas’ first baby’s mother Carmen Bryan
She fucked Allen Iverson and Jay-Z. To make matters worse, her community pussy ended up on a diss track. You know why you haven’t heard about her since Jay-Z put her on blast… because now she’s pretty much un-bunnable by any celebrity.

Karrine “Superhead” Steffans
She’s pretty much fucked everybody. Just this week, she put it out there that she fucked Lil’  after the VMAs (yeah, leopard pants and all). She definitely is more of a straight up slut, but the community mileage on that pussy is undeniable. I would have an easier time naming people she hasn’t sleep with.

Madonna
Now that lady has done some impressive numbers: Sean Penn, Guy Richie and Dennis Rodman (just to name a few).

Kim Kardashian
I know for a fact Reggie Bush and Ray J have run into each other a time or two before. Kris Humphries gets to sit across the aisle from a man who gave his wife the daddy stroke on camera… that’s just got to hurt.

If this whole community pussy concept isn’t crystal clear to you by now, you’re just probably in denial. On the bright side, Kim Kardashian still got a ring so anything is possible… right?

Jean DeGrate has elaborated… sorta… I guess 

Community Pussy

It’s a little known fact that the older you get the smaller your dating pool becomes, and it doesn’t matter if you’re dating or not. With the assistance of social sites, rolling ass bitches, and alcohol, most people live within 50 miles of their birthplace, and people tend to date the same type of person over and over again. The chances of you finding uncharted territory gets slimmer and slimmer as years go by… which brings me to the actual topic of the blog: “Community Pussy”.

community pussy (noun) – a woman that has had sexual relations with two or more acquaintances… i.e. Melanie previously had sex with Walter who just so happens to play on a flag football team with Greg, the guy who she’s currently fucking.

Community Pussy VS Community Penis
Of course, community penis exists. But, they’re always some sort of double standard in dating, and like with almost every other double standard, this time, men again come out on top. I’ve personally fucked 2 thirds of a female’s crew. I could show you pictures on FaceBook right now with 2 and 3 chicks I hit posing in the same picture, smiling, with 20 comments about how they are the best of friends under the picture. They have more in common than they’d like to think for sure. I often want to comment, “Your BFF rides dick better than you,” but (even being the asshole that I am) that’s just wrong. The thing is, since I’ll never spill the beans and all of their other so-called friends aren’t trying to start “drama”, my community penis goes unnoticed. So much so that in years to come, there are great chances that I will hit a couple more chicks from that same group. Hell, I’m Jean DeGrate… I might even fuck a sister or two. That aside… the point being this is all possible due to women doing that 007 secret undercover fucking. Women don’t tell anybody who they’re fucking, not even Jesus. If he ain’t her man, on the verge of being her man, or tricking off something serious, that nigga won’t even have a name; he’ll simply be referred to as her “my friend”. The lack of communication among females makes it so easy for community penis to fly under the radar.

We know who you’re fucking
Men, unlike women, aren’t hiding who we’re fucking unless we’re just ashamed of her, but please believe even if she’s an “ain’t shit bitch” but her mouf is on 1000, she’ll eventually creep up in conversation. Groups of men talk about 3 things: sports, music and women. There isn’t but so much arguing niggas can do about why “Watch the Throne” is just ok and the Cowboys/Redskins rivalry. Next topic: you and the mileage on your pussy. You remember those naked pictures you were sexting to him on those late nights that you wanted him to come over? There’s a 90% chance at least one homie has seen those. If it was sent to the homie via text or email, there’re at least 30, and up to 1000, strangers that know what you look like naked and who you’re fucking. “Damn, she’s phat as fuck. Who’s that homie?” “This joint named Shanae, my man Kev from up top fucking.”

Why it’s a big deal
First, let me disclaim that being community pussy doesn’t necessarily make you a whore. While some of you (ok… most of you) are just straight up sluts, some of you are just victims of circumstance. The chances of a nigga being the first to dive into you greatly diminish after 10th grade, but we still like to believe we are getting some exclusive shit at least for relationship purposes. It’s a pride thing, and if you didn’t already know pride is a huge thing amongst the male sex. Finding out somebody we know hit you is a mean ego blow, and it doesn’t matter if it was last year or last decade. Let it be anything short of a serious relationship, like playing sideline chick or one night stand, you’ll probably never hear from us again. The only thing worse than your chick getting hit by the homie is your chick getting slutted out by the homie.

Just remember, “Danger, she smashed the homie” will be your new ringtone.
Jean DeGrate has spoken