The top 5 types of vagina

I’ve been hoeing for the sake of science or at least that’s what I’ve told myself when I’m looking into the bathroom mirror trying to figure out how I got here. Anyway my penis and I have been in these streets collecting data to bring it back to masses. You’re welcome. Via my “Hoe is Life” tour I’ve comprised a list of the top 5 types of vagina hence the title of this blog. If you're particular brand of pussy didn't make the list despite the raving reviews you've gotten over the years; dudes do lie and life should have already taught you that lesson. Let’s get on with it…

1. Daddy issue pussy
Whether her daddy was in the wind during her childhood or their relationship was riddled with conflict and they never saw eye to eye; either way the first man in her life failed her and left a lasting imprint. There’s a void there. A little black spot on her heart and that dark energy goes right into sex.

2. Used to be a fat girl pussy
Naturally fat girls are eager to please. They tend to overcompensate like short guys in big SUV’s. Oh and by “naturally fat” I mean they’ve been fat since childhood. Women that got fat later in life when their metabolism slowed down or having kids ruined their waistline tend not to try as hard and carry a very similar attitude of the on from their slimmer days. Formerly natural fat girls are the best of both worlds containing the eager to please nature wrapped up into a much smaller package. It’s really a beautiful thing.

3. Single mom with multiple kids and multiple baby daddies pussy
Even as I’m typing I’m imagining the backlash from the baby mommas club but I must fulfill my civil duty even in the face of adversity. Women that have collected several children by several men that aren’t around to take care of those said children (3 and up) tend to be the wave in the bed. The abundance of after sex snack, the lack of having a baby sitter making the act of a traditional date almost impossible and the scare that a tight hug might be enough to get her pregnant all add to the thrill. Plus she phucks like that’s her only form of adult interaction. I mean what else can you do at 10:45pm on a school night hoping the kids are really asleep? Mommas gotta have a life to right? If you were ever wondering how a guy meets a girl with 3 kids and gave her a 4th this is how. Gamble at your own risk.

4. Boss bitch (without children) pussy
It’s something about children ownership that turns Oprah into Beyoncé. Trust me if Blue Ivy was never born the second half of Lemonade would have never existed and she’d be probably dating Puffy right now. Now a true boss bitch has no need for a man outside of sex and she makes it known. All that “I need a man for…” bullshit goes right out of the window; home repairs, cutting the grass, a trip to the dealership, killing a spider, etc… Her checkbook handles all of that. So when it comes to sex she’s in control because her vagina is not a trophy or a bargaining chip. She’s not coy even remotely and very much direct. All that awkward waiting and looking for the signal to make a move shyt is dead. She’s going to phck the shyt out you because she owns her sexuality and then she may kick you out.

 
5. Loaner pussy
For clarity purposes loaner pussy is sex from a woman that’s in a relationship with someone else.  Having sex with someone else’s girl is an adventure all on it’s own with tons of excitement during the build up to the act, but women in a relationship will borderline grudge fuck you for at least the first few times around.  Whatever she’s not giving to her man sexually she’s giving to you. It’s a beautiful thing as long as you keep it short and sweet. Once you step into that side dude/boyfriend number 2 role the honeymoon is over pun intended. That’s why it’s loan because if you keep it you’re just sharing it with someone else.

I have 6 thru 20 on deck but it’s not even noteworthy after 10
Jean DeGrate has spoken

3 Essential Sneakers for Men 2017

I know most of y’all don’t want me to talk shoes but I don’t care and because y’all friended me, follow me or cyber stalk me (Hey fellas, currently I’m like 97% sure I’m not sleeping with anyone’s girlfriend so breathe easy) you signed up for this.

I dropped this last year and I guess I’ll keep the trend going. I still don’t have that many male Facebook friends but some of you ladies have boyfriends, husbands, side dudes, sons and brothers right? Of course you do. Well pass this along as need and when it comes to shoe buying you can start here.

Humble but not so humble brag if you’re reading this my shoe game it probably tighter than yours. I’ve downsized and refocused my collection. I still have about 120 pairs of shoes (down for 250ish this time last year) but I’ve filtered out all the one time wear/extra loud colorway/super trendy shoes. This is not the Holy Grail of sneaker education. I’m not even a “sneaker head” so if you’re looking for somebody to give you insight on which Supreme x Nike Uptempo to cop I’m not that guy (but the all black ones are love tho). I’m just a guy with a love of shoes that buys what he likes and doesn’t really follow the trends. Every 3rd person has one of these lists; it’s normally comprised of 5 pairs of shoes and more times than not I feel the list pure garbage. How can anybody really consider any signature shoe from LeBron an essential shoe? To make my list of essential I’m think more of a go-to shoe a shoe that will be great for more for several seasons and work with abundance of different looks. Don’t you hate the “nah, these shoes on look good with joggers” shoe? I do.

1. The luxury sneaker – The Maison Margiela Replica

This shoe is based off of the original German Army Trainer hence the name “Replica”. The style has been done from everyone from of course Hugo Boss right down to SWIMS but Margiela does it the best. The best part about this shoe is it’s always at least 10 colorways on sale. The shoe runs $430 and $1000 but right this exact moment I’m on the actual Maison Margiela site and it’s a pair original for $480 marked down to $240; which is just $20 over the price of a pair of Foamposites at retail.

Honorable mention – and still… The Saint Laurent Paris SL10 High

2. The classic basketball sneaker – The Air Jordan 12

I’m a huge fan of the Air Jordan 1 and it’s always going to be my go to for a the classic basketball sneaker but due to the fact that the best OG colorways are becoming harder to obtain at retail price I can’t lead with it anymore. The Air Jordan 12 has always been a very cool and clean silhouette and due to it’s simplicity there are only a handful of awful colorways. You have to put your best foot forward to get a terrible looking pair of 12’s. They have great collaborations for the hypebeast (OVO, PSNY, etc…) and they still look great in the way less coveted low top option. You can walk into your local shoe store today and pick up a dope pair of 12’s with no fuss.

Honorable mention – Nike Dunk High (pretty much the AJ1 light)

3. The trainer/runner – The Adidas NMD

I have absolutely no idea what NMD stands for I came really close to googling it one day but I instantly got over it. What it stands for doesn’t matter, but what does matter is it has Boost and Boost is life; Boost is everything. Every Adidas shoe of note has Boost i.e. Yeezy’s and the Pure Boost. If you haven’t notice the trend this shoe also comes in a boat load of colorways but unlike the others they have several different versions. You have the OG R1, R2, CS2, CS1 XR1 and XR2 but I’d just stick with the OG R1 and the XR1. These shoes are highly obtainable at retail and below because Adidas seems to drop a new colorway or cook up a new way to do the same thing every 15 minutes. Typing this 3 new pairs of NMD’s have dropped.

Honorable mention – The Yeezy 350 V2 because they’re Yeezy’s

Blogger won't let me great and drop the images.

Google is your friend tho

Jean DeGrate has spoken and shit

Your Dreams are Ruining You

Dream - something that somebody hopes, longs, or is ambitious for, usually something difficult to attain or far removed from present circumstances

Hope is great. Dreams are fantastic. We all have dreams and we all hope to see them into fruition. Unfortunately it doesn’t always play out like. Dreams die every day b.  With that known it doesn’t create an air of caution within us.

Everybody wants to be a star and a boss

I remember when Rick Ross first started calling him the biggest boss then Maybach records took off and everybody in the building was a boss. Meek is a boss, Wale is a boss, Stalley a boss, Gunplay a boss and the rest of them random dudes that gave 8 bars on a mixtape was also bosses. I was confused. If everybody is a boss, who’s answering the phones? Who’s making the coffee? Who’s changing the toner in the printer? My grandmother told me when I was young everybody can’t be a Chief somebody got to be the Indians. Some people are built to be employees; some people are built to be a cog in the machine. We live in a society full of Betas pretending to be Alphas.

Unfounded confidence

People look at their dreams the same way people who have never been married look at people that got divorce. They did it wrong and for the wrong reasons. They have this air of arrogance combined with this can’t lose attitude and these halfcocked plans with little to no experience. These people don’t know the difference between a hustle and a business. It’s folks slanging diet tea right now and think it’s forever but this time next year it’s going to be a new weight loss crazy and some poor IG honies going to be stuck with 58 cases of tea in her mom’s garage collecting dust. If you say something to them that doesn’t line up with their grandiose plans for world domination you’re instantly a hater. They’ll argue you down why Rent Em Spoons is a million dollar idea. They’ll tell you how many times they needed to rent silverware and how many other people had the same dilemma. The thing is most of you have some truly stupid ideas. Like 75% trash. I’m talking to you future restaurant owner selling dinner plates via social media. I’m talking to you 30 year old government employee trying to create the next Instagram. I’m talking to you people chasing the same cliché dreams using the same formulas expecting game changing results.

The odds are against you

I got a homie Tray. In 2005 this man was bouncing in a strip club wearing a skull cap and rocking a jaw bone beard as a side hustle. Fast forward 12 years later and he has LGC security. LGC is in schools, securing major events and has over 80 full time and 200 part time employees. We always share these dollar and dream stories. We always glorify that one person that stepped out on faith and made it big. We never really talk about those 1000’s of people that stepped out on faith and had to step back in right quick. We never talk about not quitting your day job. We never say for every Tray and LGC there is 100 dudes still doing pat downs at dive bars. We’re so quick to tell someone to invest in themselves and their dreams instead of investing in solid financial goals. You can grind up 20k and invest in yourself or you can grind up 20k and invest in a 4 unit apartment building. It’s bigger than having “know how” and a great idea; you need opportunity and that opportunity may never come.

 
Manage your expectations

Everything is go big or go home; go bang or go bust. Being complacent is a death sentence. Mediocrity is a death sentence. Being regular is a death sentence. The American dream used to be a good job, 2 kids, a marriage and a home with a 2 car garage. Kids don’t even want regular occupations anymore. Folks put more energy in coming up with clever captions for IG pics than they do for their actual day job. Settle for living a good life and make everything else the icing on the cake. Secure the home. Secure the car. Secure the bag… and chase the dream on the side. If you put your all into your dream and fail what do have left for yourself beside a story of your failure?

Sometimes you give up on your dreams and sometimes your dreams give up on you
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Top 4 Reasons You Ended up in a Situationship?

Let me start off by defining a situationship…

Situationship - I would like to call it that grey area between dating and actually having a title of relationship but it’s not that cut and dry. Nope. Situationships reasonably entails all the so call relationship stuff sans the actual commitment and/or exclusiveness.  (And not that you washed a half a sink of dishes at your “friend’s” house relationship stuff; because y’all be reaching fam.)

In my personal research most situationships never make it to the relationship promise land.

Ok the natural or should I say the traditional trajectory is dating leading up to a committed relationship. In that transition a situationship pops up normally by the guidance of the male in the situation. So this is how you got here…
 

1. You’re not relationship material/You don’t check all the boxes

You ever heard the saying that “there is somebody for everybody”? Of course you have. Well that’s a lie. People die alone everyday B. There person you’re dating might fit in perfectly into your life but on the flipside your puzzle piece doesn’t do the same for them. As a default setting you’ll land in this situationship zone until you or the other person calls it quits. We all have criteria. Some of it is very hard lined and written in permanent magic marker, and some of it has is extra flexible. I.e. I could totally date an ugly girl with a crazy body with no regrets, but I could never call that unfortunate faced woman my girlfriend. No, no, no. The buck stops there. Some of you people come into a person’s life and are perfect for dating but you’re missing a few attributes that make good for a long term relationship.

2. You’re the sideline chick (or dude before you feminists blow up my spot) and you don’t even know it

You think it’s a situationship but it’s not. You’re riding the bench and stealing moments. The leading misdiagnoses of situationships are side line situations. Sorry. This thing you’re in is stagnate and your “partner” seems very complacent with the way things are then you know what it is homie.

3. Their heart belongs somewhere else

People are sometimes madly in love with someone that they are not with. It could be a break, a breakup or whatever the catalyst for them not being them; they aren’t in an emotional space to really give you a chance. You’re in this situationship with a person that pretty much using you for a number of reasons… You’re keeping the bed warm until the real bae comes back around. You’re a distraction and some people hate to be alone.

4. You’re feeling them WAY MORE than they are feeling you

Lopsided feelings commonly get misaddressed as commitment issues. Ego is blinding. You’re digging someone, y’all are vibing real good so you’re trying to hand them your heart and make it official but they are holding back. What else could it be? It has to be commitment issues; Lord forbid you’re head over heels for someone that see you in the same way. Nah, that couldn’t be it. But it is though and the person is going to ride that commitment phobe wave instead of keeping it 100 and say “Oh, I like you but not on that level yet”.

Yeah this is how you got here. You’re welcome
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Shut Up Old Men

I'm sick of the old school talking about the new wave. You’re in the barber shop bitter. You’re on social media bitter. Just running around complaining all the damn time and I swear my generation has the youngest old men ever. Dudes out here 35 years old talking about “back in my day” like they fought in Nam or some shit.

Fashion/masculinity

Somehow someway baggy jeans and masculinity goes together. The slimmer fit the pants the further diluted manhood becomes. We just leap frog all of the extra suspect entertainers that we came up with like Tupac wasn’t running around with a nose ring and a leather vest without a shirt like he just walked out of the Blue Oyster. We let Mystical cook for his entire career with a bob plait weave like he was the male Moesha while singing I’m the man right here. Nobody questioned it. Now everything is suspect. Now everything that strays away from what’s considered the norm by the dad jean wearing collective becomes a threat.

New Age rappers

I said a hip hop
Hippie to the hippie
The hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop, a rock it out
Bubba to the bang bang boogie, boobie to the boogie
To the rhythm of the boogie the beat

These are the 1st 5 bars to the legendary track “Rapper’s Delight” and it’s epic garbage. GARBAGE. It’s funny how we love to pretend like every MC prior to the year 2000 was dropping Nas level lyrics on every track.  They weren’t.  Ever era has non rapping rappers and they are for the generation of that era. So if all these Lil 21 Uzi Yachty rappers are not for you, turn the station, change the channel, fire up some Rakim and be blessed.

The NBA

LeBron didn’t ruin the NBA. Don’t compare him to compare him to MJ and Kobe that just managed not to get traded off at the whim of an owner for a better puzzle piece. DeMarcus Cousins found out mid all-star interview that he was traded to New Orleans in February. Can you imagine if you showed up work tomorrow and your boss told you he traded to another office on the other side of the country? I’m sure if your boss told you had to come in extra for the next 3 weekends you’d be ready to hand in your resignation.  But somehow the “fans” decided that a man taking his destiny into his own hands and cementing his legacy makes him less of a player. You expect him to be loyal to a team, a coach, an owner and a league that won’t be loyal to him in return and throw his life into disarray as soon as something better comes along. Nah. LeBron didn’t ruin the game by changing the rules he strengthen the players and the owners will have to adapt.

Your day is over it’s a new day
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Fiend Next Door

I live in the hood. Not the rap hood but the real hood. I once stepped over a dead body on the way on my out to dinner (Hi Melissa). The next day there was a Teddy bear at my door step surrounded by empty bottles of alcohol. I still remember what my daughter said when she saw it “That Teddy bear sure is thirsty” it was hilarious and tragic all at the same time. This is just to give you the idea of where I live. I love the hood though. I love the noise, the people and the sense of community.

Anyway…

A guy, his wife and 3 kids had moved into the building next door. Let’s call the guy Dave because his name was Dave and I don’t really care if he comes across this. They always spoke whenever we’d cross paths during our comings and goings. Some days Dave would catch me outside jumping rope and roll up on me with some random small talk then joke about working his beer belly off. Regular neighborly shit.

That was pretty much the extent of our relationship until one day I was coming home after dropping the kid off to school. Dave ran up to the car frantically begging me to drop him off at the bus stop around the corner. Fuck it; why not? It wasn’t shit to me, I was just going in the house to sit on the couch and watch DVR for the next few hours. I told him to hop in and when I pulled around the corner to the bus stop his wife and 3 kids were standing there. The bus had come and gone and they missed it. Without asking for permission he hopped out and invited his entire family into my Lexus coupe. My coupe isn’t a comfortable fit for 3 adults so let alone 3 adults plus 3 midsized children. I was on the verge of flipping out for a split second then he told me they really needed to get to Bread for the City. You see people Bread for the City is a food dispensary for the under privileged and just happens to be one charities I donate to annually. Until that very moment I didn’t know they were next door struggling and that “Nigga if you don’t get the fuck out of my car” sitting on the tip of my tongue when right back down my throat from which it came. I drove the family cramped into my car the 15 or so blocks down the street, Dave thanked me and the family hopped out to stand in the food bag line. That shit was sad.

I rode home in silence.

It threw my whole swag off. I couldn’t imagine standing in line with Madi for free food not as a choice but as an only option other than starvation. If the lines for the free samples in Costco are too long I can’t even be bothered. I’m just not with the shit but here was a grown man, his wife and 3 sons standing in line to stock up their fridge. I was stuck because everything I seen from Dave prior to seemed to be on the level. Not that I knew any of the dealings in his life but he was always clean and so was his family. Just goes to show you never know what somebody is going through. I thanked God for my blessings and proceeded to watch the 3 episodes of ‘Person of Interest” waiting for me on DVR. The next day I saw Dave and he thank me and apologized for putting my out of my way but they really needed that ride. I was like no problem and then he told me his wife does dreds for the low if I was interested. Nah. I was good on all that. Sitting in his living room experiencing that poverty first hand listening to his kids’ stomachs growling would be a bit much for me. Once again; nah.

For the next 3 weeks or so our neighborly rapport returned to regular and then he ran up on me again parking my car.

Dave – I need a favor and I hate to ask you but I don’t have anyone else
JD – What’s up?
Dave – Could I borrow like 20 or 30 dollars until the first? We don’t have any food in the house right now.
JD – I got you.

I didn’t have any small bills and I wasn’t sure how a family of 5 could eat off of 30 bucks for an entire weekend let alone for almost 2 weeks until the first so I gave him a 50. I told him just get me back when he could. The first came and went and I did not see Dave. I finally ended up see him on the 5th and he acted as if he seen a ghost. He immediately went into the “something came up; I’m not ducking you but I just need a few more days” speech. I said don’t worry about it; I’m good just keep it. I mean I ain’t shit but I’m not ain’t shit to the level that I can’t let 50 slide to a family in need. Funny thing is after I told him to keep it I went back to seeing him every day. A couple more days passed and he hit me up for another 30 and I again gave him 50 but instead of letting him set up another payment date I told him to keep it off top. Look at me doing good deeds and shit.

Fast forward another week and I’m standing outside of my building talking to the homie Dion while smoking a black & mild and I see Dave in the distance motioning me over. I’m not walking over to this man so he can ask me for money so I motioning him over to me and as I’m doing that Dion turns to see who I’m summoning over. As soon as Dave’s eyes locked on Dion this man hit a U-turn and speed walked up the block.

Dion – You know that nigga?
JD – Yeah he lives in the next building and he be hitting me up for money here and there
Dion – You know he on coke right?
JD – Fuck you mean?
Dion – He stay coming to my homie around the corner copping with nothing less than 50 straight money.
JD – 50?
Dion – Like every other day he spending around there. You supporting the fiend.
JD – Bruh this nigga got a whole ass family they be hitting Bread for the City.
Dion – He’s a whole ass crackhead

I was dumb mad. I was fighting mad. Every time I saw this man walking up the sad little violin music would start playing in my head and he’s out here getting high on my dime. I bull shit you not I didn’t see this man for another month. By the time I did see him I had cooled down considerably but I still snatched him up on sight.

JD – You smoking coke?
Dave – No, I don’t…
JD – My man said he sees you buying coke all the time
Dave – It’s for my wife’s father. He’s too scared to buy it from the guys around the corner so he sends me
JD – You telling me this man sees his grandkids and daughter struggling but sends you to buy crack?
Dave – Yes
JD – Nigga you have to think I’m a fucking fool. You need to stay the fuck from around me.

I let him go and he quickly stepped his ass down the street with no further debate. The next morning on the way to work Dave and the whole family were posted up on the corner of Suitland Parkway and Naylor Rd panhandling to cars stuck at the light. He looked into my car briefly made eye contact then immediately looked over to the car behind me. For the next month I’d see the family hop from busy intersection to busy intersection panhandling as a unit. Talk about unity. Their building ending up catching on fire the next month and I never saw the family again.

I was buying coke in 3rd person
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Men cheat

And you women allow it.

Yeah that’s about it. Blog over. Enjoy the duration of your day.

Oh you need more than that?

Ok I got you.

On October 10th the year of our Lord 2002 the poet laureate Shawn Corey Carter professed on wax in a duet with his future wife…

“The problem is you dudes treat the one that you loving with the same respect that you treat the one that you humping. Now they about nothing; if ever you mad about something it won't be that; oh no it won't be that. I don't be at, places where we comfy at.”

Men cheat because we get away with it and it’s easy.

Your grandpa cheated on your grandma, your dad cheated on your mom and so on and so forth. Do you know hard it was to cheat without cellphones? In this day and age that’s just mind blowing but Denzel still managed to bring a whole ass side baby home to Viola Davis in “Fences” and that man didn’t even have a car. Now it’s way easier; it’s easier to cheat than it is to rent a car.

See here’s the thing the value of vagina has dropped greatly. The market is flooded. It used to take some charm, wit and oh yeah some fucking effort to get women naked. Now it’s like a free throw, I mean at this very moment I have nudes in my phone from women I’ve never even talked to on the phone. You would think that would be the minimum pre-requisite for something like that right? Before you go into this “What kind of women are coming across?” rant I’m coming across women you know. I’m coming across your girlfriends and they aren’t telling you all the shit they’re up. Some women are even proud side hoes on top of all the closeted side hoes.

Ok now we got that out of the way let’s get to how women allow it...

A man’s worth
Men have more intrinsic value in a relationship than women. I’m sorry ladies we do. It’s often over looked but it’s a 99% chance that the moment a man steps into your life he makes it better. We are problem solvers. We are handymen. We are the safety net. We’ll be your crutch. We’ll be your support system. We kill spiders, throw out the trash, open tightly sealed jars, put together Ikea furniture and get shit off of high selves. Once we’ve been around for a while women get used to these things. When a relationship ends it’s more than a void of intimate companionship but a void of services provided during the relationship. Who’s going to go downstairs when something goes bump in the night? Who’s going to take your car to the mechanic when it starts making that funny noise again? Who’s going to carry those 114 grocery bags in the house in one trip? Who’s going to pay the other half (or larger percentage) of the rent? Oh that’s your job again.

Women hate starting over
For people that get free meals and drinks and outings from guys that shower them with compliments in hopes of making some sort of connection, women really hate dating. Women hate hate hate allowing new men to entertain them. Instead of finding something new women would rather put a Band-Aid on relationship with infidelity. Toss some excuses on it and push thru is the typically formula. He cheated but you know where his heart is, nobody’s perfect and direct some blame on yourself. Yeah that’s pretty much the script. The risk factor is relativity low, if he even gets caught it might cost him a headache and a dozen roses for some side pussy that’s always within reach.

You’re giving away the sex
Average Joe’s are tossing up numbers like Kobe before the rape charge. Giving the pussy to the shift manager at Pep Boy’s isn’t going to prompt any girl to take morning after sneak pics like a James Harden. Dead beat baby daddies all the way up to the married preacher are getting this work because status doesn’t even matter. Like I previously stated vagina easily accessible and you women set the stage because you’re the ones in charge of handing out the pussy.

Men cheat because we can

Jean DeGrate has spoken