The Great Away Game Debacle

I haven’t shared one of my Jean DeGrate tales in a good little while so I figured today is as good as a time as any especially since the end of cuffing season is right around the corner and I know a few of you will be breaking free of your relationship bonds to flourish in this warmer weather.

First off “Away game” is a term I came up with for going to the other person’s home to have sex. I’m sure I’ve spoken on a previous blog about this, but its pros and cons to this shit. (If you’re already in the know you can just skip the next 3 of 4 paragraphs because this is kind of a 2 for 1 blog.)

The pros include…

1. Avoiding that awkwardness of trying to get your hook-up to leave.
I’ve had to get fully dressed and stand at the foot of my bed whilst tapping her on the foot asking “So what you about to do?” Followed back leaving my own home only to circle back around to get undressed and get back into bed.

2. No CSI level search of your home for shit level behind by your hook-up.
I used to have a shoe box full of jewelry, bonnets and other miscellaneous shit women conveniently leave behind. How do you just abandon your shit after a night out? Do you have endless cell phone chargers? Are balling to the point that you just have throw away jewelry?

3. No pre or post sex clean-up.
I don’t have to kick that pile of laundry I’ve been avoiding doing for the last 6 days into the closet. I don’t have to wash that mountain of dishes in my sink and I can continue washing 1 dish at a time as needed. Most importantly I don’t have to clean up afterwards. No post sex washrags to handle and no changing of the bed sheets.

And these are just my top 3.

The cons are normally minor like bad ass kids running around and trying to play games on your phone or traveling to shitty neighborhood where you’ll spend half the night checking to see if the rims are still on your car. Yeah I know; small things to a giant but normally when shit goes left it really goes left and this is a tale of one of those occurrences.

As in any away game played on a field you’re unfamiliar with you can never know what to anticipate. Toss all expectations out of the window because how you envisioned a person maybe living by how they look and operate in the public world can be totally different behind closed doors. Please believe me. Anyway on with the story…

Single moms are the most likely to be down for the away game mainly because of child care issues. Let’s call her Kim because I haven’t used that fake name in a while and her name really begins with “K” so I won’t have to go back and delete her real name all throughout this blog. The after bedtime breeze thru is practically always clutch and this story starts off as clutch. After literally 3 outings over the span of 4 months of knowing each other, due to the aforementioned child care issues, I get the greenlight to swing pass. Normally I bail out on a chick after 2 failed planned dates but she was super cool and by “super cool” I mean her body was fucking crazy and I really needed to see her naked. Don’t judge me; I’m only human. After the already prepared “I don’t really let people come over because I don’t allow strange men around my kids” speech (it’s the speech 9 out of 10 baby mommas approve of) we set the date for the home visit.

Kim drove a 2006 or 2007 AMG E55 Benz and if you didn’t know 2 digit Benz’s are kind of a big deal. On the 4 occasions I saw her she carried a different high end designer bag and to top it off on our last outing she paid the tab. Not in that “”I got this” then you say “Nah I got this” and she quickly ends attempting to pay the bill” type of way. Nope, I went to the bathroom, came back to the table then motioned the waiter for the check and she said “I already handled the check”. I was floored; I might have even blushed so I thought “oh this chick is balling”. With all this knowledge I’m fully expecting her home to be laid the fuck out. Nope.

The home visit date was set for a Wednesday and work night home visits are the best because A. you don’t have to spend the night and B. it typically gets right to the point and by “the point” I mean sex. Unfortunately this just happened to be a day that I worked 14 hours and the only that got me thru the day was the idea of seeing Kim naked. Yeah, that was definitely the light at the end of my tunnel in a day that seemed to go on forever. I hate going into these arbitrary non-designed Maryland neighborhoods that require 14 lefts and 3 rights to park on some dimly lit street with no sidewalk or street signs and as fate would have it she lived in one of those exact neighborhoods in Fort Washington. After a 57 minute trip that GPS timed at 24 minutes I finally pull up to Kim’s home at 11:08pm.

JD - I think I’m outside. Its 7411 right? I don’t see your car but I think this is it. Is there a grey minivan parked out front?

Kim – You’re here. Just come around to the backdoor.

It’s a single family home 2 stories and it’s a pretty big house; way too much house for an adult with just 2 kids, so yeah fuck it I’m impressed. I start my trek thru the lawn using my cell phone as a flashlight and almost walk into a deer the size of a fucking horse (a small horse but still very much horse sized). I jump back slip and fall. Now I’m literally lying on my back looking up at a deer who isn’t even remotely fazed by my presence. He’s just standing there eating flowers and shit; looks over at me then gets right back to eating these flowers. Right then and there I should have said “Fuck this shit” and walked back to my car then took my ass home, but instead I gather myself, stand up, tell the deer excuse me and calmly walked around him. I’m at the back of the house looking up at the deck and under the deck it’s stairs leading to sliding glass door where Kim is standing in a bathrobe motioning me in. In hindsight a red light should have popped on in my head when I was entering through a backdoor basement entrance in the still of the night like I was dating a teenaged girl and she was sneaking me in for a quickie while her parents were asleep.

So here I am standing in an unfinished basement with a concrete floor, a couch, a handful of folding chair and a big back floor model TV clearly from the early 90’s. Still no red light going off in my head, even after she immediately left me alone for an entire 15 minutes in the dark in this dungeon /trap house chic basement. It wasn’t that bad in retrospect because I had just downloaded Street Fighter II on my Sidekick LX, the 15 minutes alone not visit. Kim finally comes back Pink Panther like tie toeing in bunny slippers and leads me by the hand to a den on the main level in the dark. The den is more like what I expected plush leather couch, 2 matching lazy boy chairs and a large flat screen but it was an autographed framed Troy Aikman jersey on the wall. A little bit of a red light went off let’s call it a yellow light but I was too focused on seeing what was under that bathrobe.

It’s about 11:45 I’m on my second glass of Hennessy Privilege, she’s still nursing her first and we’re watching reruns of Martin because colored people love reruns of Martin. If you never seen me I have very long dreds that come to bottom of my back and sometimes my hair rub me the wrong way that feels like a bug is crawling on me. That last sentence is very valid to what happened next. She starts playing in my hair then straddles me. Somehow a dred lands directly in my ear canal and I’m nonchalantly trying to brush it away from my ear. Ok it’s still in my ear and I’m starting to freak out just a little bit to the point that I’m gently shaking my head left to right in a Stevie Wonder fashion but still trying to not look crazy. Nope, it’s still there I have to go in. I pull all my hair back but I feel the “dred” moving down my jawline. I grab it and it slightly crunches in my hand. It’s a motherfucking roach. I just killed a roach on my face. All cool has left the building. I hop up while Kim is still straddled across my lap and the way physics is set up she falls on the floor with a loud thud. Kim doesn’t even yell out from hitting this hard wood floor she just gives me the “shhhh” finger. Bitch. I didn’t say that instead I said “Son I just killed a roach on my face”. I walked over to the wall hit the light switch and it’s a duo of roaches doing laps around the framed jersey hanging on the wall. I’m all the way freaked out. I’m checking my clothes for bugs and shit while Kim is still sitting on the floor in silence and STILL giving me the “shhhh” finger. I grab my hat and I’m out the door but since I’ve been lead around the house in darkness I don’t know where I’m going. She comes running out of the den behind and I yell “Hey let me out of this motherfucker”. Then I hear a deep booming voice in the distance “Kim who the fuck do you have in my house?” Just like I go from freaked out and disgusted to full out panic mode, I’m turning random door knobs looking for light switches, I’m bouncing off the walls like a pinball. Out of the darkness Kim grabs my arm and a snatched away from her like a single white woman walking down a dark alley in the begin of a “Law and Order: SVU” episode. I was beyond paranoid and now I can hear footsteps of somebody coming downstairs. She opens the front door then I see the light from the street and make a run for it. I hoped in my car and took off like I just robbed the neighborhood liquor store.

No I don’t know who was upstairs yelling and no I don’t who’s the actually owner of that home. My closure was escaping that home. Needless to say I never accepted a phone call from Kim ever again in addition to failing to see her naked. Plus a roach crawling on your face is an instant mood killer.

JD doesn’t like roaches or booming voices in the dark distance
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Valentine’s Day Help For the Fellas

Us guys sometimes have a hard time putting our feelings into words and expressing ourselves accurately. We often undersell or oversell our emotional attachments, more over underselling than anything else though. So here we are coming up on this lovers’ holiday and the people that stock the greeting card aisle at CVS still haven’t taken the guys that aren’t head over heels in love into consideration. I realized it was time for me to step up and fight this injustice. Here’s the JD e-card Valentine’s Day line. You’re welcome.

5 Rules I live by in my 35 years on earth

My 36th birthday is literally days away; yep I’m washed and I’ve acquired little bit knowledge through the years that has aided me in creating these rules so I’ve decided to share some of them with you good folks. (It’s only 5 mainly because I plan on writing this blog in 10 minutes and I fully intended on writing this last week but shit happens.)

Anyway on with the blog…

Rule 1 - Condom sex

I’m old now and I can’t deal with all this bullshit concerning with the opposite sex so I created the Condom Sex Rule; it’s simple and it has everything to do with condoms but at the same time nothing at all. Any girl that I would consider having sex with I ask myself would “my life flash before my eyes if the condom broke?” “Would I jump off a cliff if she said “I’m pregnant and I’m keeping it””? If the answer is yes to either of these questions I don’t fuck her.

Rule 2 - Stop waiting on Karma

I’m not saying that Karma doesn’t exist but I personally don’t put any stock into it. Don’t waiting around for the universe to right wrongs or seek out revenge on your behalf. It’s a waste of time and waste of energy; just go on living your life.

Rule 3 – Being fake

It’s a lot of important parts to being an adult nobody is telling us as children and not that “why didn’t they teach us how to balance a check book or file our taxes in high school” bullshit, but nothing more important than being fake. Honesty is the best policy almost none of the time and speaking your mind is often a terrible idea even more so these days with social media being the beast that it is. If your brand of honesty is anything less than politically correct then you may need to be fake in all professional settings and some personal settings. Laugh at your bosses bad jokes pretend to be interested in your co-workers stories about their family vacations, “like” pictures on IG even if you don’t really like them and your professional and personal relationships will work much smoother.

Rule 4 - If she says she doesn’t do something but does it for you just roll with it

Seriously just roll with it no matter how minuet or common it might be. If she says doesn’t normally have guys over but you’ve been Netflix and chilling on the regular at her condo don’t say “oh girls always have me over” and fuck it up for yourself. As soon as you open your mouth to let her know it’s not a big deal get ready for big time attitude and immediate suspension of privileges.  Just as much as girls like to feel special they like to think they are doing some special shit for you even if it’s some mundane bullshit.

Rule 5 - Not being “that parent”

I have a kid. Surprise; a person used to live in my balls and now she’s 8 walking around playing Mind Craft on her cell phone and calling me daddy. Somehow someway I managed not to become “that parent”. The “you don’t understand because you don’t have kids” parent, the “I live my life for my kids because my life was pointless before them” parent or the “I can’t have and/or maintain healthy relationships because of my kids” parent. Kids are an addition to your life that results in changes and we all understand that even those without kids. When you start blaming your kids for every missed event, date and boy’s/girl’s night out you’re that parent.

These are my rules
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Why MOST Men under 30 Low Key Suck At Courting

Well high key suck actually

Court – to be involved romantically, typically with the intention of marrying.

You know building a life together and shit.

Now young men folk are great at dating; the MVP’s of that shit. Nobody can send good morning text messages with several emojis like these late 80’s and earlier 90’s babies. Nobody can slide into those DM’s like these social media savvy guys. Nobody can fake listen and act like we are legitimately interested in the shit that fascinates you like these dudes that post 5 selfies on IG a week. Nobody is more in the know of the new hot spots, bars and lounges than these vape pen carrying hookah smoking hipsters. Nope. When it comes to dating they are undefeated.

Now for all that courting shit, men on the underside of 30 stay fucking that up and here’s why…

He ain’t got no type
Bad bitches are the only things that he likes. As many times as I say a female’s dating criteria is written in pencil a man under 30 dating criteria doesn’t actually exist. You don’t believe me? Ask the guy you’re casually dating what he likes about you and prep yourself for an awkward pause followed by several generic accolades i.e. “You’re cool as shit”. Most of us men have a “No” list, like “no I won’t date her if she has 5 kids and 6 baby daddies” or “no I won’t date her if she’s homeless”. I might be down playing the vagueness of the “No” list but all men have one and that shit is ageless. Now honestly these guys don’t have a type so if they find you attractive and you seem cool you’ve already reached 95% of the needed criteria. Add that in with the first goal being sex and getting into a fruitful relationship is a very distant second makes them optimal causal daters and piss poor at courting. Not having a type is terrible for long term dating because without some sort of set parameters they can’t even begin to gauge how a woman will fit into their lives. Conflicting philosophies, different religions, varying life goals and even unalike dietary practices are things that can be grazed over in causal dating but can be the basis for failure during genuine courtship. I mean just imagine if she goes to the grocery store any bring back a fridge full of vegan bacon, veggie burgers and soy milk, but your nutrition regiment requires something to die so you can live.

It’s really all for you
And “for you” I mean for women. Chivalry is dead. Equality and women that don’t say thank you when you give them your seat on the subway killed that, but men are very much still in the business of pleasing women, all women; it’s almost instinctual. That guy that held the door for you at the mall on Black Friday even though you were 12 yards away from the entrance? He didn’t do that for you in particular; he did it for all women. That’s what he’s programmed to do. Yes, men are programmed to stand around holding open doors for random women. That’s not all, cologne, haircuts, clean clothes, the box office success of Twilight and Tyler Perry movies, Berry Ciroc sales and luxury automobiles are strictly for the benefit of women. Men are and always have been in the profession of trying to make women like them and turn it up as need be for the purpose of wooing without any long term goals.

Younger men are chameleons
Young men change with the trends of whatever women are into, but only during that phase in a man’s life before he starts buying clothes just not to be naked. Look up the hashtag #MCM on Instagram and every 3rd dude has a beard accompanied with some sort of fade haircut from the 90’s because that’s what women are into right now. Before this it was close cuts, goatees, wearing Beats headphones like an accessory and personality glasses. Before that it was dreds (my golden era). It’s a lot of men that pick up on these style cues and follow these favorable trends. He’s on his IG with his joggers, long t-shirt with zippers on the sides and Giuseppe’s looking like Future but 3 years ago he was wearing Jordan’s and premium denim. Our surface level sense of style and grooming aesthetic is up for modification to remain appealing to the fairer sex.

See the problem here is this…
While women often start planning out forever, marriage and kids without the presence of a possible suitor around the same age they start playing with Barbie; men don’t develop the emotional farsightedness to see further beyond seeing you naked until much later in life. Young men put so much effort into being the man for you (well, a man you’d potentially sleep with) they fail to see if you’re the women for them. They often wake up next to strangers they’ve dated for months. He’ll know the basics like your favorite restaurant and not to text or call during Love & Hip Hop but he doesn’t know if he really likes you as a person. Finding long term compatibility is a shot in the dark but she phat ass shit though and that will work for right now.

Dating All Stars and courtship novices
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Why Black Twitter salary discussions don’t matter in real life

Hold let me turn on my mood music… *queues up Future’s “Fuck up some commas”*

You’re probably poor. Blog over. Now stop tweeting about it.

Okay you need a bit more than that. Cool. I’ll play along.

First just the facts

The median income in the United States of America is about 27k a year (or 135 $200 dates or 1,228 2 for $22 at Friday’s), so most of you motherfuckers only make $13 an hour. That means the $15 an hour “working wage” people are pushing for is about 3k more than what the average person is making right now. The average household income is 50k and 2 thirds of Americans make less than 42k a year. But guess what? Black people on average are making less than that (even with us colored folks dominating the NFL and the NBA); yes, black households only average around 35k. Unless you’re secretly flipping bricks and trapping out the bando while avoiding the IRS; the odds, the stats and the Man, that’s keeping you down, all say you’re poor (or at least a 2 out of 3 chance that you’re poor).

Women date broke men on a regular basis

A woman’s dating criteria more times than not is subjective at best and that’s a reach. If you listen to the average black woman’s type of 6 feet plus, bearded, tattooed, 1 or no kids, own car, own home and making an excess of 100k you know most men aren’t making the cut. If any of that held true myself and a lot of 5’11 and under brothers would be forever alone. Let’s keep it 100 though MOST women’s conditions are written in dry erase marker. Right now it’s a chick reading this on her cell phone riding the train into work because her unemployed, 5’7, baby faced boyfriend needed her car today to “run errands”. Two years ago “Netflix and chill” wasn’t even a thing now it’s the go to move. Binge watching OITNB while eating take-out from Outback and he doesn’t need to drive as long as he puts something on that Uber for the ride there and back. Prove me wrong and retweet this blog if you never let a broke nigga camp out in your pussy in your adult life.

You’re against the living wage

It’s crazy stupid funny how many average ass people are AGAINST the living wage. Do you think the prices at Walmart are going to sky rocket and that multi flavor 30 pack of Top Ramen is going to be $3 over the $2.50 you’re used to paying? I promise you implementing the living wage won’t eliminate the dollar menu at McDonald’s. It’s a 99% chance it won’t affect your life at all if you make more than $15 an hour currently. I would jump into the math of how it’s actually better for the economy and your taxes but I’ll save that shit for another blog. See the real reason you don’t want the living wage is you don’t want Daquan at Arby’s driving the same 08 Impala as you. Chances are you’re an old… “See, I’m washing lettuce. Soon, I’ll be on the fries, then the grill. In a year or two, I’ll make assistant manager and that’s where the big bucks start rolling in.” ass nigga and you don’t want to see anybody come up too fast shining on you. By the way that’s a “Coming to America” quote for all you 90’s baby. Plus if they up minimum wage how you going to tell another person to act their wage when you only making $2 more?

You give way too many fucks about how other people spend their money

Seriously you give way too many fucks and this is probably because you’re not balling. Sallie Mae trying to get that loan money off you. Eastern Motors wants every bit of that 38% financing on that 08 Impala with 200k miles on the dash. Child support got your check looking humble like you’ve been flipping burgers part-time instead of putting in 40 hours at your desk job. No matter the reason you’re so opinionated about how people spend money that didn’t come out of your pocket that you take it to social media and rant about people buying Jordan’s, weaves, iPhones and whatever shit is popping on the timeline. You make stupid comparisons like “if niggas wasn’t buying hover boards you’d have cars” like a hands free scooter is the same price as a Camry. Let these people buy the H&M x Balmain line in peace.

Twitpic your W-2 or shut the fuck up
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Me, Religion and Zack Morris

I was watching last night’s episodes of “Truth Be Told” you know (wishfully thinking but most likely you don’t know), its the new Zack Morris sitcom on NBC in the doomed Friday night slot when all the people that might watch this show are out doing way cooler shit. It’s not the best show but it’s not the worst show and I like Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris) and Tone Bell (a sitcom regular black guy with a beard). I’m 100% sure the show will be canceled shortly and 2000% sure it will never see a second season. Anyway last night’s episode was touching on religion or basically Zack Morris character’s preference to not raise his daughter with religion. Shocking isn’t it? TV taboo even.

Funny thing about it is… that’s my exact take on parenting and religion but, exclusively for children that used to live in my balls. I am not the “push my ideology on everybody else” type of guy. And no I’m not I’m an atheist or an agnostic (there is a difference), I’m Catholic but all the same there is no Santa or Jesus in the DeGrate household (minus my Jesus pieces and rosary beads and crosses). Until last week I thought the tooth fairy was still holding it down for me but Madi told me randomly “I know you’re the tooth fairy; I know you’re giving me money, I’ve always known.” Before you question me on letting the tooth fairy have her shine but no Jesus or Santa; the tooth fairy actually serves a purpose and those other guys not so much. How else am I going to get a 5 year old to allow me to snatch a tooth out of her head without the false belief of some mythical Tinkerbelle like creature is going to give her money? Oh Ok then.

See the thing is this… I’m not 100% sure; fuck it I’m not even 35% sure I’d be religious if I wasn’t raised Catholic. As a child when I was too young to know any better they spoon fed me Jesus, the boogie man, Santa and the tooth fairy. As I got older they pull the rug on all the other shit but allowed Jesus to cook I guess because he died for my sins and all. So here I am 35 going on 36 praying to a guy (or guys and a spirit) that I’m not sure I’d have stock in if I would have discovered the faith today. Like imagine having no concept of religion and stumbling across a bible at your local Flea Market (because you hipsters love flea markets). You picked it up 99 cents because its leather bound and the pages are gold leafed and if nothing else it will look cool sitting on your coffee table next to that piece of drift wood you picked up at Rehoboth beach last summer. Two days later your WiFi is down, there isn’t shit on TV and your cell service sucks in your apartment so you can’t even get on Twitter and there is the bible staring you in the face. (This shit is about to get real blasphemous so all my die hard bible fans and Jesus freaks it’s time to tune out.) “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God”… How Sway and what the fuck does that even mean? Let’s say you skip all that and go to the dope stories like the Tower of Babel when the people were building a tower to heaven which seems mighty improbably since outer space exist an air gets very thin at extreme heights. Or how about Noah’s ark when they put two of each animal (predator and prey) on a boat and nobody ate anybody for 40 days and 40 nights; plus do you know how big a boat would have to be to fit two of each animal. Mad logistical flaws in these bible stories b; it could be the centuries separating the "word of God" and modern science, but as a grown-up it would be hard to swallow. Then we have all the savage shit that we just politely skip over in the bible like all that God sanctioned rape, murder and slavery. What type of God is pro-slavery and anti-shrimp? Shrimp is wonderful and slavery has been time tested as a rather shitty practice. I mean some people are allergic to shellfish but everybody is allergic to being whipped into submission as a slave.

As an adult I have a difficult time sorting through what should be applied to life and what shouldn’t be. I mean are women second class citizens or nah? In my times of need I just ask for guidance over turning to the good book. So how do I deliver this convoluted labyrinth of “religion” to my child? Instead I just install sound morals in my child and leave Jesus out of it. I leave that to her in adulthood to choose the path that was force upon me.

Maybe this isn’t so much Zack Morris and more me, Madi and religion
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Too “Good” for a Man

About a month ago some article from some arbitrary blog site rehashed some stats from a Forbes article from 2013 stating how single women outnumber single men greatly. Unfortunately for women the stats still hold true because in my city alone (DC) single women outnumber single men something like 17 to 1 (65k more single women than men), but Philly, NYC, Boston and Atlanta are in the same boat. Pretty much if you’re on the east coast and own a vagina its slim pickings. They again these are just stats and you’re a “Good” woman so you’ll rise above the rest right?

The price of pussy is on the decline
I’m not saying this because girls like me a little bit and I’m blindly fooled into thinking everybody is just at privileged as I am. Nope. The price of the brick has gone down. We can blame market saturation (which directly reflects to the first paragraph). We can blame it on social media. We can blame it on chivalry slowly dying out. We can blame it on the price of tea in China but sex is much easier to get than it once was. As the things that were once considered taboo are now general practice and acts that would once classify a woman as a hoe are waning; all the hoops us men folks used to have to jump through for sex have greatly downsized. Once upon a time men used to have to go outside and attempt to spark up conversations with complete strangers in order to get dates. Those days are so far behind us to the point they have a “new” name for trying to speak to and/or compliment women you don’t know, it’s called “street harassment”.

Other women are fucking up the game for you because you’re too good
Things that you aren’t willing to do for a man or deal with from a man because you’re too good (or whatever reason you have cooked up to place yourself above certain things), there’s a woman your parallel willing do just those things. Threesomes? She’s here for that. Multiple kids by different women? She can deal with that. Take out Chinese food and Netflix “come over and chill” dates? She’s cool with that because she’s more of a homebody anyway. Before you take me down this “Why would a man want a woman willing to deal with this that and the third” bullshit the better question is “why wouldn’t he”. Seriously, why wouldn’t he? Why wouldn’t he won’t nudes on demand? You don’t send those but the other women are. Why wouldn’t he a woman that’s down to come through and wash his clothes? You don’t because you don’t do wife things without a ring but the other women are doing it all the time. Why would he want to wait for some made up amount of dates/days before sex? You don’t have sex when you feel like it because you’ve place set rules before you can allow a man to have you but the other women don’t live by such limitations. So why would he settle for less from you when he can get more from your equivalent?

What you consider “good” doesn’t really translate as well as you think
I’ve said this a few times before but it can stand to be restated a few more times (or every day of my life), but all the things that you may think that makes you a good woman doesn’t mean as much as it does to the men you’d like to date. Being independent is dope and all but that’s part of being a grown up and not as big as a selling point as women make it out to be. The same goes for living on your, maintaining a job, having good credit and owning a vehicle as need be. All grown up shit. Being a good mom is dope for your children but sticking “Kayla’s mom” in your Twitter and Instagram bios isn’t winning over as many guys as you may think. Your designer clothing might have all your homegirls jealous and just because your favorite rapper name drops “Celine” hangbags in his club banger and you happen to own 1 to guys it either means nothing to us or worst it means you’re high maintenance. Whilst you might perceive these attributes as something that is pushing you above the competition none of these things ultimately mean shit to us for the most part. Things that hold a bit more value are… How much of what makes you, you came out of a bottle, a bag of hair or from a surgeon’s scalpel? How much attitude are we going to have to deal with on a regular basis? Can you hold an hour long conversation that consists of more than celebs, reality TV and gossip about your “friends” and family? How crazy are you? How crazy is your baby daddy? Are you looking for a man or looking for a sponsor? Do you look good naked or is it all fancy camera angles and waist trainers keeping your allure up?

You don’t compete
You’re way more average than you’d like to believe. You’re not a star. You’re everyday people. Sorry. You’re not a queen and probably not a boss either. Your halfcocked get rich schemes don’t make you a hustler. There are a whole lot of women out here just like you. They dress like you. Make money like you. Drive the same Accord/Malibu/3 series BMW/C class Benz just like you. How can you afford not to make a move on something you like? How can you afford to not try a little harder to stay high on the radar of suitors that interest you? I mean it’s 17 of you for everyone of him. You’re too good for all that right? You’re a good woman and good women deserve to be chased, wined and dined by guys on their level.

What if I told you Prince Charming isn’t coming because the not too “Good” girls have him busy?
Jean DeGrate has spoken