The Economy and You

Before we get into this, I just want to say that I may be one of the worst people to talk about the state of the economy because if it wasn’t for the Washington Post and constant contact with large quantities of broke people, I wouldn’t know shit about it. I have job security, real money in the bank (not just enough to keep them from closing the account), a 401k, and at this current moment Louis Vuitton shoes on my feet. I said all that to say, I’m not hurting in the slightest; nevertheless, I still relate to the plight of the poor people in the “Jay-Z still rapping about selling drugs” kind of way.

So, this morning I’m making my daily visit to MSNBC.com and this headline literally jumped off my screen “Lawyer turns topless dancer to pay the bills”. It’s the story of a woman in her mid 30’s that got laid off from her firm, ran thru her savings, and was facing eviction until she bit the bullet, and set them titties out. I have to respect that; she’s out here doing what she has to do to keep her head above water. She probably will get a Lifetime movie of the week in the near future; so stayed tuned.

Aside from pole dancing lawyers, 1 in 6 Americans live below the poverty line (makes less than 22,350 yearly) that means at least one person reading this blog is poor as fuck. The economy is still all the way fucked up, but there’s still money out here, and definitely ways to keep some money in your pockets.

Is your pride keeping you down?
I know a lot of people with a chest full of pride, and a pocket full of lint. There are jobs out here; some of these gigs might not be as glamorous as we’d like them to be, but they’ll keep a check coming. You can’t be too good to push a vacuum in an office building, when that final notice for your electricity comes in the mail. You can’t be above working overnight security, when there’s an eviction notice taped to your door. You can’t be beyond flipping burgers, when the repo man is staking out your house. If you’re a citizen of the US, there’s no way you can’t find a job no matter how fucked up your resume may be. I see foreigners all the time with 2 and 3 jobs, and these folks can hardly speak English. Don’t wait until the unemployment runs out and all the bill collectors are coming at your neck to decide it’s time to fill out the Wal-Mart application.

Are you living beyond your means?
You bring home 3k a month but your monthly expenses come up to 2,987 leaving you with a whopping 13 bucks to drop into the old savings account. If you don’t already know, I’m telling you now; you’re fucking up. If you actually have to save up and budget to pay for simple things like a new TV, a tune-up for your car, or a weekend out of town, you’re not living right. If you’re making like 12 bucks an hour living by yourself, riding the bus and living check to check, I can’t knock that; but, if you’re outside that minimum wage range and trying to keep up with the Jones’s, that’s all bad.

Are you financing your life?
Even with the credit being all fucked every single day I see a new credit card commercial with some sort of crazy incentive. Their talking to somebody; is that somebody you? Your outfit for the club for Howard Homecoming; do you still Master Card something on that? You copped that 60inch flat screen with Blu Ray player and surround sound, but you tossed it on the Best Buy card. In my personal opinion, you should not finance anything other than cars and homes. So that leather sectional with matching end table you’ve been eyeballing, but your cash isn’t quite long enough to buy it out right… you might want to pass on that. Trust me, that won’t be the last couch they make, and by the time you get your money up, you might not be feeling it anyway.

I feel your money woes just in a 3rd person kind of way
Jean DeGrate wants you to get your money up

7 Seven Subtle Signs That He Might Not Be Shit

Somehow, someway women still manage to get swept off their feet by niggas that aren’t fit to raise a goldfish. These ain’t shit niggas dog them out and in worst case scenarios knock them up then get missing. Half of those little bastards you saw on Halloween parading up and down the street begging for candy are bastards for real because their daddies are MIA like they got killed in Iraq. So today I’m going to do a public service in attempt to limit fatherless children and bitter bitchhood (bitter bitchhood I’m coining that phrase) I give you all the 7 subtle seven signs that he might not be shit. You’re welcome.
 
1. He has every pair of Jordan’s and or Foamposites
Before anybody jumps to conclusion we aren’t talking about legitimate sneaker heads that actually collect shoes or rich guys. I’m talking about Tyrone that lives on top of the hill that drives a 1998 Impala, lives in a one bedroom apartment and has a job where he’s required to wear a name tag. Now that guy he ain’t shit.
 
2. He has a top of the line cell but not much else
He got that white iPhone 4S the day it came out but now he’s flat fucking broke. The message here is his priorities are all the way fucked up, but he’s going pull some bad bitches with iPhone though because bitches love iPhones.
 
3. He refers to women in regular conversation as bitches
I’m not talking about in a derogatory sense but before he thinks woman he thinks bitch i.e. “Oh, I know where we at now my man had a bitch that stayed around the corner from here” or “I love the bitches that work in my dentist’s office, they always take care of me”. This guy has pimp like tendencies and he’s going to try to get that money up off of you.
 
4. He stashes his condoms in his own home
If it’s about to go down and he goes into the DVD case for Ghostbusters II and pulls out a magnum that nigga ain’t to be trusted.
 
5. He bums cigarettes from strangers
You know who ask for shit from strangers? Homeless people, but when homeless do it they’ve loss everything including their pride. So when a gainfully employed man does it he’s a fucking leech.
 
6. He owns a Scarface poster
It’s only acceptable for girls to own posters and when I say girl I actually mean females that aren’t old enough to vote. So when a grown man has a picture of a fictional drug dealer plastered on his wall and he’s not a famous gangster rapper he’s just a fucking lame.
 
7. He smokes around kids
Stand up men don’t smoke around kids. They understand the health risk and just might fire up the loud pack right next to their man that still on papers but let a child walk into that room. That same guy will put that shit out then hop up and open a window. But ain’t shit niggas don’t care if the youth has cancer and in turn they don’t care about the future.
 
Go head run down this checklist compare with your dude
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The First Phone Conversation Script

Last night, I was standing in front of my building smoking a Black, and I said to myself, "Jean, this dating thing would be a whole lot easier for everybody if folks really just said what they were looking for off top. You know what, Jean? You should blog about that." Yea, I come to these types of random epiphanies on the front stoop; I'm deep like that, sometimes. Or... it could be that 90% of my roster expects way more than me than I'm willing to give, and 90% of the time, it's clear that could have been avoided even before the first date when we watched a bootleg flick and ate carryout. I guess that's another blog... on with this one.

Everybody typically has the same first conversation questions. I don't know why people get nervous for first dates. After a couple of them you should already know how the Q&A session (I mean "date") will pan out. "How many kids do you have?" "Who do you live with?" "What do you do for a living?" "What do you like to do?" and so on so forth, blah blah blah blah blahhhhh. Pretty much, all bullshit because none of it really tackles what you REALLY need to know. So I propose this, before a movie date is set, Cosi salads are eaten, or happy hour shots are drank, you should find out what's really good on that first phone call. Set aside 45 minutes ,and ask...

Question 1: "What are you looking for exactly?"
Everybody is looking for something when talking to a perspective mate. Are you just looking for a shot of ass? There's absolutely nothing wrong with being strictly interested in sex, and we are all adults so there is no need to be coy when you can flat out say, "I just really want to fuck". There's probably a way more tactful way to say that, but, in case you're new to "Jean DeGrate has Spoken" you should know this isn't a blog built around politically correct shit. Other than that, some people might not want anything serious and just want to have a good time with a cool person or have a day-by-day approach. None of that may be your cup of tea if you're looking to settle down or wanting kids and/or even marriage in your not so distant future. This question alone can end a meaningless courtship before any feelings get involved.

Question 2 "Do you have a problem with...? Will it be a deal breaker?"
Everybody has his/her little quirks, pet peeves, serious fucking mental issues, and/or skeletons in closet. Lay that shit out there off top. You're a part-time lesbian. Word? You've got more charges than a stun gun. Oh ok. There's a video of you getting gang banged on World Star Hip Hop, but it's from your wild and crazy college years. Hmmm. Your baby mother is psycho and is prone to pull your toddler out of bed so she can come flatten the tires of whatever woman may be at your house after midnight. Oh, really now. Folks won't normally share these kind of things with you, but I'd much rather get rejected by a stranger than somebody I've been kicking it with, possibly have slept with, or (wait for it) caught feelings for. Plus, nobody wants to wake up to find their new boo crouched in the corner of the bedroom chewing on your underwear. If you're psycho, let a nigga know off top you're a crazy bitch.

Question 3 "How do you expect to be treated?"
Honestly, nobody is going to say, "Treat me like shit; I love to be dogged," but some people have standards and requirements that you might not be down to adhere to. I know damn well if a chick is expecting me to go half on her bills or drop cash for her hair and nails every week, I'm going to tell her to keep it pushing. He might want a chick to cater to him... come over, cook dinner, wash clothes, and clean. You might not be about that life. She might want a guy to send her roses just because and good morning text messages just to let her know he's thinking of her, but you may not have an unlimited text plan, be allergic to flowers, or just not be on your Simp shit.

Asking the hard questions and keeping real ain't hard, but oddly nobody at all is doing this shit.
Jean DeGrate is trying to help you

Are You Looking for Love or Are You Looking for Help?

There’s a mean ass dating double standard out here. Men are typically just looking for companionship with side of pussy, and women are looking for… well what women are looking for is a bit on the gray side of things. Most women have no clue what they are looking for so they just pretend to be looking for love instead of humbling themselves and admitting they are looking for a superhero to save their asses.
 
Men aren’t that complex when it comes to love
Being cool and fuckable will get you halfway to girlfriend status prior to you having to actually give up the pussy. A non-nagging, non-gold digging chick with good sex, up-to-par head, and a REAL job (somewhere you can get a W2 from) will have you meeting the parents in no time flat. Pretty much everything after that, like common interest, the ability to actually operate a stove, and living in her own place, are just extra perks. Yeah, that concludes the male section of the blog. I can’t even get deeper than that because that’s just how simple men are.
 
NOW… let’s talk about women…
 
The table
Every other woman (which is more like 4 out of 5 women) has this imaginary table, and it’s absolutely imperative to bring something to it. She already has shit on this table, and in order to even begin any kind of courtship you have to add even more shit to her existing shit. (I know women are complicated, but follow my logic people) Even if none of the shit on the table benefits you in the slightest, “as a man”, you need to bring something “to the table”. Women have a funny way of deciding what SHOULD be attractive to perspective mates, i.e. “Bitch, I got 3 months left at Sanz School. I’m a fucking catch.” Being a good dude is no longer good enough. You must be on her “level” or better. (Most bitches actually prefers better.) The reality of it all is there is no reason why a man should have to bring anything to the table other than good companionship and genuine intentions. If you’re a woman and about your shit, everything that you bring to the table should be good enough (this statement is more wishful thinking than anything else).
 
Looking for a Simp?
Almost every time I hear a woman lay out her requirements of a male, 70% of it has something to do with his financial status and worldly possessions. You need him to be God fearing? Check. At least 5’9”? Check. No more than 2 kids? Check. No criminal record? Check. After that… it’s all about the money, car, crib, homeownership status, making X amount a year, 401k, and so on and so forth. Bitch please… Why is a plus for a man to be a homeowner if you’re renting? Why are you looking for a man with more than you yet still expect to be treated like an equal? If I’m bringing more to the table than you… Fuck it… I’m the Boss (no Rick Ross). Pussy and wet mouf won’t get you an equal share in this partnership.
 
Keep it real
If you’re looking for a come up with maybe a splash of love on the side, go ahead and just say so. I won’t judge you… Hoe! But, I won’t deal with you either. You’re in search of a hero; somebody to help supplement those bills. There’s a guy out there willing to do all of that (as long as you’re fine, but you busted bitches need to fend for yourselves). That old school “men are the provider” role kicked the bucket about 40 years ago so you have to be fine or dating a fool that doesn’t know he could get pussy for less. If you’re really looking for love you and really want to be loved, then you need to cut some of that bullshit out of your criteria. Jamal, the head cashier at Safeway, might honestly be the man of your dreams even if he lives in his Grandma’s basement and drives a 1986 Honda Accord. You’ve got to keep it real with yourself and the niggas you’re dating so both of you know what you’re signing up for.
 
Pick a lane… love or money?
Jean DeGrate has spoken

Top 5 Reasons Why I Can't Date a Fat Woman

I want you all to know before I even get started, I'm using the size guidelines society gave to gauge what a fat/large woman actually is. This shit here is not rocket science. I wear a large T-shirt and sometimes an extra large T-Shirt. If a woman can fit my large T-shirt, she must be a large bitch. If a woman is too big for my large T-shirt, she must be an extra-large bitch. I didn't invent these sizes, I just reapplied the logic for you larger than usual women. (Yes, I’m saying "large" because "fat" or "obese" tends to carry a negative connotation… I’m an asshole, but I’d like to keep my LARGE readers) Now, on with the blog…

Unless this is your first time reading my blogs, you already know I have a phobia of getting crushed by fat woman in my sleep. Aside from that, I have a huge assortment of other reasons why a heavyweight and I will never pan out.

1. She'll never look cute in my clothes
You know when a chick is prancing around the house with your T-shirt and panties on the morning after? You know when a chick scrambles your eggs topless in your boxers? If you’re getting pussy like JD, of course you do. If you aren’t reading this blog fantasizing about Ms. New Pussy in your white tee, you're probably used to dating wide-bodied women. Now, tell me what she cooks your eggs in… a bed sheet perhaps? I don’t care what you overweight lovers say, ain’t shit sexy about Queen Latifah wrapped in toga.

2. I might have to actually fight her
I'm a pretty strong guy. (On a good day I rep 320 on the bench.) So if my lady friend decides that she wants to put her hands on me, it's really nothing for me grab her and restrain her until finds her cool again. Now, dealing with a big chick, that fight might not be so easy. Dealing with her size alone is a fight in itself. While I'm wrestling with her weight trying to keep her cool, she will be actually landing punches… hard ass grown man type-of punches. It won't be long before I square up and start jabbing the big bitch in the face. I'm pretty sure before the night is over, I'll be sitting in somebody's jail cell waiting for my one phone call. I’m just saying dating petite bitches keeps me out of said domestic disputes.

3. Sex with the lights on is a no go
Most larger women rock some sort of apparatus to make their shape seem more flattering than it actually is. The more clothes she loses, the less appealing she'll become unless you fancy back rolls and FUPAs (Fat Upper Pussy Areas). Plus, I’ve never had any fantasies of fucking Stay Puff aka The Michelin Man.

4. Fat women generate heat
Big girls run hot like cars with busted radiators. Sure having a burly chick would come in handy if I got snowed in during a power outage, but keeping a fat chick on deck for just that instance would be fucking crazy. If while sitting on the couch, she decides to snuggle up on you, it’s like have a super nova lying in your lap. It will be a smooth 20 degree difference between under the covers to room temperature. She'll have my bed like a sauna every morning; I'd wake up 2 pounds lighter, in a pool of my sweat. Yeah, fuck all that.

5. I won't be able to save you
Heaven forbid a fire breakout and a wooden plank falls from the ceiling landing on your ankle breaking it… Guess who won't be carrying you to safety? This guy. At that very moment, it becomes a "you die or we both die" type-of situation, and I want to live. If somehow you end up hanging from the side of a building or the edge of a cliff, I can't pull you up. I don't even know if there is an exercise I can do to develop that lifting people of the ledge muscle group. You better hold on while I find some rope and build a pulley device. What if we're getting chased by zombies and you started wheezing and cramping up because you haven't moved your legs that fast since 3rd grade gym? Please know that I can't stand there and fight off the walking undead while you catch your breath, but while they feast on your flesh, it will give me a 10 to 15 minute lead on them.

Just in case you thought I had no basis in my prejudice.
Jean DeGrate is fucking a skinny woman tonight

Jean DeGrate’s Top 5 Favorite Stalker Songs of All Times

Because everybody loves a good stalker tune...

5. Marvin Gaye’s “I Want You”

“It’s too bad, it’s just too sad
You don’t want me now
But I’m gonna change your mind
Someway, somehow, oh baby”

This is one of my favorite Marvin tracks right here, but I’d never play it in the company of a female because she every got passed Marvin’s smooth crooning those rape-ish undertones would standout clear as day.

4. The Police “Every Breath You Take”

The title alone would make a great slogan for the NASS (National Association of Stalkers and Simps).  If you didn’t know stalkers and simps roll in the same circles, and most simps eventually become stalkers anyway.

“Every single day, every word you say
Every game you play, every night you say
I’ll be watching you”

The original version had the word “Bitch” in it several times i.e. “Oh can’t you see? You belong to me, Bitch” but they dropped it to make it more radio friendly. Everything about the song says, “Bitch, I’m going to kill you then play dress up with your dead body and still get away with it,” but it was the jam back in the day anyway.

3. Bob Marley & the Wailers’ “Waiting in Vain”

“It’s been three years since I’m knocking on your door, and I still can knock some more”

Do you know how long 3 years is in Jamaican time? Technically, since Jamaica is like a 3rd world country their days are like 4 hours longer than those in normal civilizations.

“Tears in my eyes burn, tears in my eyes burn

While I’m waiting, while I’m waiting on my turn”

So he is waiting and crying for years over a bitch that’s dating another nigga. There’s actually a waiting list for that pussy. To this day, I want to see a picture of the bitch this song is based on. I know deep in my heart, she had to be the finest woman in all of Jam Rock.

2. Heather Headley “In My Mind”

This song screams out to how some delusional some women are and the imaginary relationships they keep all bottled up inside their heads. I wonder how many women are involved in an imaginary relationship with me.

“He’s standing with her, but his soul is calling out my name.”

Really son… you can hear his soul? Nevermind that woman on his arm that he’s out and about with, you know what’s really real.

“In my mind, I’ll always be his lady.
In my mind, I’ll always be his girl.”

I wonder what her FaceBook relationship status says. Would that fall under “it’s complicated” or “open relationship”?

1. MéShell Ndegé Ocello’s “Outside Your Door”

The opening line of the song is “Here I sit outside your door, talk to me.” She’s not chilling in your favorite Starbucks hoping you might swing by or even hiding in a car parked several yards away from your house. She’s sitting on your front step waiting for you to come outside. Every verse she speaks in this extra calm serial killer tone. If there was ever a time to be afraid of a bald headed lesbian holding a guitar… this was it. I wouldn’t hesitate on shooting this dyke, and no court on God’s green Earth would convict me after I played this track for the jury.

“Here I am, waiting… Just waiting… Anticipating a chance to run into you. I sit here for hours. One day, I even sat through a rain shower… For just a glance…. A chance to talk to you. You're probably wondering how I even know you.”

This here is beyond “restraining order” stalking this is that “witness protection, pack up and move across country, then change your name” stalking.

“I'd be content to just sit here, and talk to you. In my dreams, you love me… and me only.”

These types of dreams end in blood.

I check chicks’ iPods for shit like this. If I see one of these tracks, I’m out the door.
Jean DeGrate has spoken

The Benefits of Dating a Big Girl

Off top: I’ve never dated a big girl, mainly because I like the option of fucking with the lights on, and I suffer from a phobia of being crushed by a fat woman in my sleep. The medical name for it is “Bitch-Get-Your-Fat-Ass-Off-Me-A-Phobia”, and until a cure is found, I’ll never be able to date the Jill Scott-ish woman of my dreams. There will be no frolicking in fields of bacon for Jean DeGrate. But, enough about me and on with the blog… 

If there was ever a group of people that made a serious effort at compensating for their physical shortcomings, it’s fat women who date non-fat men. The term “pleasantly plump” was coined by a skinny dude that exclusively dated big bitches.  

There’re 3 types of fat women out here… 

1. The “I just had a baby” fat chick. (And by “just”, they mean anywhere from 3 months to 10 years ago.) These chicks don’t really consider themselves fat chicks because “it’s just baby weight.” Nope, it doesn’t matter if the kid is going to college next year. In my world, 9 months post-birth is long enough to lose baby fat. Logically so, since it took nine months to put the weight on in the first place. To these women, that logic doesn’t apply; they will use “baby weight” as an excuse forever, and because they don’t really believe they are fat, they don’t give up true fat chick services.

2.The “after high school/freshman 15/got a desk job and packed on some pounds” fat chick. This chick here used to be fine or somewhat desirable prior to the weight gain. Although she went from a size 2 to a size 14, over the last few years, when she looks at herself in the mirror, she still sees the body she had as a senior in high school. In her mind, she is just as fine as she ever was. It would take the ghost of Christmas past to reveal the truth to her. For that reason alone, she will continue to eat honey buns from the work snack machine everyday, and when she gets home, there will be no fat chick services provided to her man. This is the bitch that will sit on the couch eating a microwavable dinner, watching Real Housewives, while her boyfriend caters to his damn self.

3. The “I’ve been big all my life so people call me Precious behind my back” fat chick. She’s the genuine article. She doesn’t have the ego of those previous two bitches because there’s no delusion of who she is. She knows she’s a fat bitch. She shops at Lane Byant, instead of trying out Forever 21’s plus line for size. She skips breakfast to cut calories; like it makes any fucking difference. Very few fat bitches have that Monique type-of self esteem; deep down, most fat chicks are so ashamed. It sounds horrible, but if you’re her boyfriend, this lack of self-esteem is the come-up for you (Winning). This is the big girl of your overweight lover dreams, and here’s why… 

She’ll cater to you
Remember that Destiny’s Child song “Cater to you”, and all the dope shit they were talking about doing for their man? Of course you do, but know this: unless you’re balling out of control (and tricking/simping), you will never get a chick that isn’t at high risk for heart attack or diabetes and has a healthy BMI index to do any of that shit on a regular basis. These big girls will work a full time job, help the kids with homework, and still bring you dinner with a beer to the couch, while you watch Monday Night Football. She’ll cook anything your heart requests; just don’t request a side salad. She draws the line at salad, but steak, meatloaf, pork chops, and macaroni and cheese can be on the table every night if you please. She’ll clean with no complaints because that’s what it takes to keep her man happy. She’ll even come and bathe you “Coming to American” style, if that’s what you’re into. 

She’ll take care of you…
Like she will literally take care of you in such a way that she might be legally able to claim you on her taxes. I know 3 dudes that retired from hustling because they started dealing with a big bitch that just wouldn’t let them leave. She’d go out of her way to make sure there was nothing in the outside world he could possibly want that he couldn’t get right at home. Cable, Xbox, HDTV, flat screens, alcohol, and all of his favorite foods were always on deck. She’ll pay cell phone bills and even buy him clothes; big bitches love to dress a nigga. If you were a Blac Label type-of nigga, she’ll upgrade you to LRG; no problem.  

She is always down to fuck
She doesn’t need all that wining and dining to get her in the mood. Ya’ll could be watching Saturday morning cartoons; then you could turn and say, “Hey girl; come jump on this dick.” Before she can get the “ok” out, she’ll be giving you mouth. Rough sex… she loves it. Her body is built like an F-150; you could literally kidney punch her while hitting it from the back, and it will be all good. Kinky sex… she’s with that, too. She already knows she has to be down to do the shit the next girl (who is likely skinny and better-looking) won’t do. You can bust a nut in her ear canal, if that’s what you’re into.  

Bored with busting nuts on your skinny bitch’s back and stomach? This cuffing season, a big bitch may be the way to go.

Sidenote: Jean DeGrate STILL doesn’t date big bitches.